Dating after divorce: The 3-date rule

Word in the locker room, ladies, is that many men have a rule that if they don’t get lucky by the third date, there isn’t a fourth…

Can one really be so prescriptive about dating, I wonder. And who on earth came up with the number three?

Somehow, though, the idea of having a set number of dates in which to wait before deciding it’s appropriate to hop into bed doesn’t seem such a bad thing. I don’t care what anyone says, there is a difference to the way men and women perceive sex and for a lot of women (I’d argue most), the sexual leap is a hugely emotional one too. So why not give yourself a predetermined number of dates in which to figure out whether this is someone you actually want to be sharing bodily juices with.

However, when it comes to making your intentions (or lack thereof) clear, it’s not so cut and dried. Timing, it would seem, is everything. It’s too late to say “sorry, buddy, but you’re not getting any tonight” when your bra and panties are hanging over the headboard.

I guess this begs the question: Whatever happened to, if it’s right it’s right? As a woman, I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I know if I’m going to sleep with a guy within five minutes of meeting him. And if I can’t at least picture myself in the sack with him, he doesn’t get a second date, I’m afraid. Life’s too short for games.

Of course, that’s not to say I will sleep with him. I have heard of the thrill of the chase. Thanks to my relationship guru sister, I’m well versed in the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” school of thinking. She calls it delayed gratification – or eating the cake and leaving the frosting for last.

So, no, not a set cap on numbers of dates before sex, but yes to taking it slow. If for no other reason than to protect your heart.

– Single-again Samantha

Tween the sheets

Are kids using condoms? Are they getting sick? And what are they doing between the sheets anyway? GOOD takes a look at the stats on teens and their sexual health.

  • Seven percent of young women aged 18–24 who had had sex before age 20 report that their first sexual experience was involuntary. Those whose first partner was three or more years their senior were more likely to report this than were other women in that age-group.
  • Teens in the United States and European teens have similar levels of sexual activity. However, the latter are more likely to use contraceptives and to use effective contraceptive methods; they therefore have substantially lower pregnancy rates.
  • Although 15–24-year-olds represent only one-quarter of the sexually active population, they account for nearly half (9.1 million) of the 18.9 million new cases of STIs each year.

How to Have Sparkly Sex or Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

Dear Brenda,

Lately my wife has said our sex life is boring. She said she wanted to try some new things. How do we go about it?

Dear Our-Sex-Life-Is-Boring,

What happened to your sparkly? Are you a one trick pony? Does your wife think it’s the same ‘peg in hole’ production every time?

Marital sex doesn’t have to mean boring sex. It’s time to have a talk. Stop scrunching your face and rolling your eyes, a good chat will lead to good sex guaranteed.

Here’s how to make the magic happen. No roses required.

Help out around house– Nothing is sexier than having the energy to do the do. If you all have children or both work you can’t skip this one.

Talk about sex in other places than the bedroom – Yes! Talk dirty to each other, via email or text, wherever it is most comfortable. Let it be an ongoing conversation, your own dirty little sex talk secret. Dirty is in the ear of the listener and it’s just between you two, so crank up the heat. Desire is a powerful sexual tool; sexy talk helps you feel desired and your partner, desirable.

Write out a “play” list— List the things you want to do, the things you can be “talked into” doing and the things you’ll NEVER do. This where communication and imagination come into the picture, this is the foundation for the secret sex talk, are you writing this down?

Share the “play” list with each other — Do it outside the bedroom. There’s nothing sexier than talking about whether or not your partner would like a spanking while picking out shampoo in the middle of Wal-Mart. If you both agree on something you’d like to try, like anal sex for example, explore the do’s and don’ts online. See what worked for others and make a plan. Then play.

It’s okay to let your freak flag fly — Everyone gets worried about what someone is going “think” about them. First of all, keep your mouth shut about what goes on in your bedroom. Second, remember that communication is key. Talk to your partner about what you’d like to do BEFORE you do it. Don’t cross the hard boundaries and please make sure to push against the soft ones, that’s what makes sex fun.

Raise the freak flag and let it fly!


She Says She’s A Virgin

Dear Brenda,

My girlfriend said she is a virgin, but I need sex and I don’t know how to tell her because she might think that sex is all I’m after. I don’t want to lose her.

Dear I-Need-Sex,

You say that your girlfriend “said” she is a virgin. Is there some doubt? Whether or not she is or isn’t, isn’t the issue. However, you need to put your needs aside and leave her as you found her unless she expresses a desire to have sex with you. If sex isn’t what you’re after then waiting should not be a problem. It’s mind over uhm… matter, if your get what I’m saying.

The only thing you NEED to do in this life my friend is eat, sleep and pay your taxes and I hear even in the afterlife the tax -man cometh, but I digress.

As for your physical needs, keep them to your self for now. And how can I put this delicately so Mama doesn’t blow a fuse… handle your business my friend, handle your business.

– Brenda

Sex in the Golden Years: How to get your fair share