Dating after divorce: The 3-date rule

Word in the locker room, ladies, is that many men have a rule that if they don’t get lucky by the third date, there isn’t a fourth…

Can one really be so prescriptive about dating, I wonder. And who on earth came up with the number three?

Somehow, though, the idea of having a set number of dates in which to wait before deciding it’s appropriate to hop into bed doesn’t seem such a bad thing. I don’t care what anyone says, there is a difference to the way men and women perceive sex and for a lot of women (I’d argue most), the sexual leap is a hugely emotional one too. So why not give yourself a predetermined number of dates in which to figure out whether this is someone you actually want to be sharing bodily juices with.

However, when it comes to making your intentions (or lack thereof) clear, it’s not so cut and dried. Timing, it would seem, is everything. It’s too late to say “sorry, buddy, but you’re not getting any tonight” when your bra and panties are hanging over the headboard.

I guess this begs the question: Whatever happened to, if it’s right it’s right? As a woman, I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I know if I’m going to sleep with a guy within five minutes of meeting him. And if I can’t at least picture myself in the sack with him, he doesn’t get a second date, I’m afraid. Life’s too short for games.

Of course, that’s not to say I will sleep with him. I have heard of the thrill of the chase. Thanks to my relationship guru sister, I’m well versed in the “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” school of thinking. She calls it delayed gratification – or eating the cake and leaving the frosting for last.

So, no, not a set cap on numbers of dates before sex, but yes to taking it slow. If for no other reason than to protect your heart.

– Single-again Samantha

Brenda Breaks It Down — The Minute Men

Dear Brenda,

I have a problem with my sexuality. I hardly last 5 minutes in bed with my girlfriend. I have tried many tricks but nothing much has changed. What can I do to offer my girl good sex? What can I do to last long in bed?

Thanks a lot for your advice

Dear Help Me-Love-Her-Long-Time-Guy,

Well darlin’ let’s start with defining some terms. Sexuality is how people self-identify as a man or a woman. It may also refer to how people identify in terms of their sexual preferences, meaning if they identify as being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. The experts define premature ejaculation as when a man ejaculates or comes or cums, depending on your preferred lingo, prior to or in less than one minute after his penis enters a woman’s vagina. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s move along.

So when it comes to ejaculation the normal range is 5-10 minutes and from what you wrote, you’re right up there. You didn’t say which tricks you tried so I did my research and here it is:

Mind over penis— when you “master your domain” do you know the point at which you’re about to cum? You need to know that, so when that moment comes, you can…

Change positions—some positions stimulate the penis more than others. When you find yourself getting close to the point of no return, change positions. Speaking of which, have you tried…

Ye olde missionary—yes a body-to-body missionary position is great, however once she lifts her legs, more stimulation occurs. Switch positions, sit cross-legged, put her on top, and let her wrap her legs around you, touch, and play. Lay back, let her stay on top, and move however she wants for as long as she wants, unless you’re getting that “loving feeling” then it’s time to change. While you’re doing all of this…

Don’t be the “Bull in a china shop” –You don’t have to charge through lovemaking by pounding away. We’re not churning milk into butter here. Think about and develop a technique that works for you, like small shallow strokes interspersed with the deeper ones. Please remember, in and out is burger place, not a sexual technique. Circle those hips! It takes the stimulation off of the head of the penis and focuses it more on the shaft giving you the extra time you desire.

Foreplay—you should be familiar with this and you should do it. I never heard one of my female friends say, “Oh that guy just gave me too much foreplay…” Never heard it. Never will. You should also be familiar with the woman parts, particularly the clitoris. I personally the “G” spot is myth and the clitoral orgasm rules.

Condom – try wearing a condom, this will reduce the sensation and perhaps help you last longer. And hey! You should be wrapping it up anyway. Safe sex is the name of the game in case you haven’t heard.

I hope some of these suggestions help. I’ve been on the receiving end of this and to be honest, it can be quite disappointing. We women though, love you men so much we say really nice things like, “It’s okay, we can try again later” or “I understand it happens.” Then we jump out of bed and head for the nearest vibrating shower head and relieve the tension. Hopefully she is willing to be patient while you try some of these things. Good lucky my friend.

– Brenda

Sex or violence? Which would you rather your child see?

Do you shield your child’s eyes whenever folks get all kissy on the screen? Do you do the same when someone pulls out a gun? Which freaks you out more?

When you see sexual images on the screen do you think of the over sexualization of women? Or do you worry about body images and self-esteem and what affect this might have on your son or daughter? Do you wonder how young minds are shaped by barrage of gunfire, flesh eating zombies and decapitations? What’s too much?

As a parent, part of our job is to act as a filter for our children. We want what’s appropriate for them, and it seems that we constantly have to figure out where those lines are, and know how our children perceive sex and violence.

While sex is explainable, people fall in love, they kiss, and affection is a sign of love. Here in America (and elsewhere I hear) sex sells everything, and I find the word “inappropriate” coming out of my mouth a lot.
I stumble when I try to explain violence. Yes, it’s okay to be angry. No, it’s not okay to kill someone just because you’re angry. And how do I explain gratuitous violence that’s just good for a laugh or video games that give points for killing people?

Why do we struggle with “Brokeback Mountain” and celebrate “Saw IV?” Why are we obsessed with what pop tart of the week is or isn’t wearing underwear and barely blink when our children gun each other down in the street.

Which freaks you out more when it comes to what your child is exposed to, sex or violence?

Chime in.

– Aunt B

How to Have Sparkly Sex or Letting Your Freak Flag Fly

Dear Brenda,

Lately my wife has said our sex life is boring. She said she wanted to try some new things. How do we go about it?

Dear Our-Sex-Life-Is-Boring,

What happened to your sparkly? Are you a one trick pony? Does your wife think it’s the same ‘peg in hole’ production every time?

Marital sex doesn’t have to mean boring sex. It’s time to have a talk. Stop scrunching your face and rolling your eyes, a good chat will lead to good sex guaranteed.

Here’s how to make the magic happen. No roses required.

Help out around house– Nothing is sexier than having the energy to do the do. If you all have children or both work you can’t skip this one.

Talk about sex in other places than the bedroom – Yes! Talk dirty to each other, via email or text, wherever it is most comfortable. Let it be an ongoing conversation, your own dirty little sex talk secret. Dirty is in the ear of the listener and it’s just between you two, so crank up the heat. Desire is a powerful sexual tool; sexy talk helps you feel desired and your partner, desirable.

Write out a “play” list— List the things you want to do, the things you can be “talked into” doing and the things you’ll NEVER do. This where communication and imagination come into the picture, this is the foundation for the secret sex talk, are you writing this down?

Share the “play” list with each other — Do it outside the bedroom. There’s nothing sexier than talking about whether or not your partner would like a spanking while picking out shampoo in the middle of Wal-Mart. If you both agree on something you’d like to try, like anal sex for example, explore the do’s and don’ts online. See what worked for others and make a plan. Then play.

It’s okay to let your freak flag fly — Everyone gets worried about what someone is going “think” about them. First of all, keep your mouth shut about what goes on in your bedroom. Second, remember that communication is key. Talk to your partner about what you’d like to do BEFORE you do it. Don’t cross the hard boundaries and please make sure to push against the soft ones, that’s what makes sex fun.

Raise the freak flag and let it fly!


Fluttering hearts: Dating after divorce

While I make a great effort to cultivate friendships with other singletons, most of my friends, I’m so happy to say (note of disdain intended), are in committed partnerships, and have been for years. I had lunch with a trio of them today, as we make an effort to do every month. They are always hugely interested in my love life – who’ve I dated, how far did I go? I find it all a bit cheeky, quite frankly, as we certainly don’t discuss their sex lives to the extent that we discuss my (non-existent) one. For some reason, they think that being single is exciting, and it’s almost as though they enjoy, for that brief hour and a half, to live a little vicariously through me.

Without wanting to put too much of a damper on their spirits (or concede that the single life all but stinks), I try to paint a realistic picture of what my life is really like – they are working mothers too; they also spend a full day at the job, a few precious hours with the kids and tumble exhausted into bed at night… if they don’t have time for sex, when do they think I have time for dating?

It’s the butterflies they’re after, these friends of mine. They think that I’ve got them because I’m back on the dating circuit. Yes, there have been occasions since the divorce when I felt those lovely jitters of newfound love, but I’ve also slogged my way through an endless meal, knowing full well I never want to lay eyes on the creep again. The sad thing is that while they’re seeking the love jive, I crave the tedium of comfort they so take for granted.

Why does the grass always look greener on the other side?

– Single-again Samantha

She Says She’s A Virgin

Dear Brenda,

My girlfriend said she is a virgin, but I need sex and I don’t know how to tell her because she might think that sex is all I’m after. I don’t want to lose her.

Dear I-Need-Sex,

You say that your girlfriend “said” she is a virgin. Is there some doubt? Whether or not she is or isn’t, isn’t the issue. However, you need to put your needs aside and leave her as you found her unless she expresses a desire to have sex with you. If sex isn’t what you’re after then waiting should not be a problem. It’s mind over uhm… matter, if your get what I’m saying.

The only thing you NEED to do in this life my friend is eat, sleep and pay your taxes and I hear even in the afterlife the tax -man cometh, but I digress.

As for your physical needs, keep them to your self for now. And how can I put this delicately so Mama doesn’t blow a fuse… handle your business my friend, handle your business.

– Brenda

Sex in the Golden Years: How to get your fair share

Why women have sex: candid interviews with women who talk about why they have sex

Why do you have women have sex? Funny and candid answers from women.

– Mama

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