Letters to myself: a journey of self-exploration

Waiting for the perfect moment is often a waste of time

Some would even call it another form of procrastination because, well, it is. One of the most painful self-reflections I’ve imposed is realizing all the things I didn’t do because the time just wasn’t right.

There were jobs I didn’t go after because I felt I wasn’t ready. Maybe I wasn’t as prepared as I could have been, but looking back, I understand it was just an excuse. In my twenties, there were men I wouldn’t speak to because I didn’t feel ready for any kind of relationship, as if every man would immediately fall into one with me. When I first started writing, I didn’t allow others to read what I’d written because I wasn’t ready for their critiques. Keeping talents to yourself is no talent at all.

So what was it all about? I was scared. I was afraid of rejection, of getting hurt, of finding out I was no good. Rather than expose myself, I claimed it was never the right time. There was a perfect moment, and THIS wasn’t it. I was only going to put myself out there when I was certain of success. And guess what? That moment never came.

Losing out on jobs, relationships and careers because of fear is a crime, punishable by days, weeks, months and years that you can never get back.

In Dr. Seuss’s Oh, The Places You’ll Go! he speaks of “The Waiting Place”. It’s obvious the characters on those pages are wasting time, waiting “around for a Yes or No”, or “their hair to grow”, or for “wind to fly a kite”, or “a pot to boil, or a Better Break.” Seuss makes it clear that the reader won’t be that person. The reader will rise above and move forward, embracing the unknown, taking chances, trying things because there’s no other way to live.

The first time I read the book, I cried. It was obvious to me I wasn’t living the best life I could live because I’d been waiting so long for the perfect moment that never came. Through self-exploration, some therapy and plenty of joy and pain, I’ve managed to overcome this issue, to a degree. I remind myself that life goes on whether we take part or not. No matter the excuse, the moment is here… and then it’s gone. Whether it’s perfect is not the issue. Whether I seize it or waste it is.

– Althea

Taking a peek inside Part 4. – When you listen to your heart.

“I’m going to get my groove back.” I tossed the catch phrase from Terry McMillan’s “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” at my boss as I waved good-bye and headed out the door. In the book the main character heads off to the Caribbean to find herself again. Me too. The Tween-let and I were on our way to Turks & Caicos for snorkeling and diving, sand and sun and finding my mojo again.

“Don’t get too groovy,” he snapped back.

My current relationship was at the delicate impasse of, ‘this isn’t really what I want but I’m too ____________ (insert choice word here) to move on’. I was hoping that this get-a-way would provide the foot in the *ss needed to reboot my love life. My own five-day “Eat, Pray, Love” is what I was calling it, though unlike Elizabeth, I didn’t have a bunch of time to burn. I am single mom with obligations, and a relationship where I fit my emotions underneath my tongue.

As a believer in God, Spirit, love, magic, thought, prayer, light, hope and intention I took every moment of this trip to reach inside myself and ask what I needed to feel whole again… So I took these steps.

Step 1: I asked my heart to get naked and speak of its desires.
It wanted unconditional love and emotional connection.
It wanted to be cherished and adored, it wanted to be valued and respected.
My heart desired the ritual of family, its own posse of folks to love and call its own.
It desired appreciation for the passionate intellectual spiritual playful love muffin
that I am.

Step 2: I listened to my heart. I didn’t challenge or call it crazy. I treated each desire as
authentic as what needed to feel whole.

Step 3: On my best stationary and with my most flourishing hand, I captured those desires,
recording each longing respectfully, as though spoken from a burning bush.

I felt happy, just knowing what I wanted and giving it some breathing room outside my heart. It’s okay to want to feel cherished and loved, adored and appreciated. Knowing the desires of our own heart is an intimate is an act of love for ourselves, what is more precious?

What are the desires of your heart?

– Aunt B