Ask and you shall receive or offend?
As the economic crisis worsens, I am surprised at the questions people ask and the requests they make. A few days ago, I received an email from a friend asking me if she, her boyfriend, and 8 year old son could park their trailer in my driveway and live in it until the economy gets better. She said they would need access to my bathroom. My friend plans on moving from Montana to escape the brutal, snowy, winter and “camp out” in California in my driveway (in their old trailer) indefinitely. My mouth dropped open midway through the email and I had to use a shovel to scoop my chin off the ground after I finished reading the email. I am saddened by what my friend and her family are experiencing, but thought it was ‘a bit much’ to let them live in my driveway. I offered to help her find a job, but I declined the request to turn my driveway into “Mama’s bed and breakfast”.
Do you think my friend over-stepped her limits?
- Mama
On love and fear
“I want to get back with my ex.”
“The one that used to make you cry? The one that talked down to you and you said made you feel stupid?”
“I know how it sounds,” she squeezed her hands together in her lap, “but yes, him.”
“He says he loves me and he’s ready to begin something with me that is real.”
“Has he addressed his issues? Have you set down boundaries in regards to how he talks to you?”
There is silence. I’m pretty comfortable with silence. So I let my friend simmer for a minute. Not that I’m being judgmental because to be frank, I’ve been in the same boat and can’t say that it won’t happen again, but I hope not.
“I slept with him again and he said such sweet things.” She blurts this out as if the physical act means he’s changed how he relates to her or her to him.
“Tell me what your gut says.” I say this while I motioned for her to put her hand on her stomach, “Speak from right there.”
“It says I’m scared, I want to love him, but I’m scared too.”
Can I just tell you that she’s a regular woman like you and me. She goes to work because no one is paying her bills but her. She rocks her creative side. When she’s not with him she glitters. When he is around she dims her light and lets him take all the shine.
“You know, love and fear can’t live in the same place. If you’re scared of him, if you’re scared he will yell at you or call you stupid like he used to, I just have to wonder how you can love him too?”
Love healthy.
- Aunt B
Mistakes Were Made!
Ever make grilled pizza? Yeah you should, it’s fun. I did once for a gathering and used a plastic spatula to flip the crust. Yes, plastic. I left it on the grill and it melted and oozed orange plastic all over everything.
One of my guests, the one who happened to give me that spatula as part of a birthday gift called out when I held up the remaining handle and metal, “Mistakes were made!”
Yes, mistakes are made.
We gossip and tattle.
We don’t say what we really mean.
We make promises we know we can’t keep.
We lie.
I’ve done worse than melt a plastic spatula on a grill. I’ve told secrets I should’ve kept to myself. I’ve exaggerated problems that weren’t so big, but became huge after I opened my big mouth. I’ve burnt bridges knowingly and live with the singe of regret.
Mistakes were made. And I’ve learned from each and every one.
Unpack your mistakes. Are some of them still too hot to handle? The ones that are cool to the touch, when you look at them from all sides can you see what you’ve learned?
I’ve learned from my mistakes and know that I’m a grown-*ss woman because I can admit them, determine the lesson learned, and move forward. That’s what mistakes are for you know. We all goof, it’s part of being human. Let’s all take one giant step forward!
- Aunt B
The 15 Reasons Why I Sometimes Avoid You
You’ve got a tongue like a whip. It lashes, it stings, and it can wrap around legs and yank them right from underneath someone.
- You gossip.
- You are never grateful for anything.
- You laugh when people are hurt.
- You are demanding.
- You name drop.
- You label drop.
- You’re closed-minded.
- You’re judgmental.
- You think you’re right all of the time.
- You make racist remarks and think it’s funny.
- You’re stingy.
- You think it’s always about you.
- You yell to get your way.
- You are always late.
- You think it’s cool when people are scared of you.
And I wonder what it’s going to take? I think behind all those smart remarks, name-dropping and demanding attitude there’s a sweet soul in there. And I wonder what is it going to take for you to let that part of you out? What is it going to take for you to soften? What is it going to take for you let go, be juicy, take that stick outta your…? What do you need to hear to convince you that people love you just as you are? I mean that’s why I’m writing this.
Once in a while, you let down your guard and I see it, a sweet side of you that wants to embrace life and let loose and dance, crazy dance, like “Footloose” and “Fame” style. I see how scared you are to dance. You think you’ll be out there by yourself. You’re not. We’re all out there dancing to this crazy rhythm. C’mon let go of all that stuff and shake that thing!
- Aunt B
Happiness is a Choice
Lately my friends have been talking about their marriages and children, changes their bodies are going through, growing older, having babies, and finding “the one”. No matter whom I talk to, invariably the subject matter moves towards those things. They all seem to be in state of wanting something to change.
We all do though, right? I mean that’s what life is about change. My question to them is why? Why do you want this change you’re talking about? Do you want to lose weight for your health or because you want to fit into society’s idea of what a woman or man’s body should look like? You want to change to fit your mate’s ideal of what you should be? Or you want to get married, have a baby, or take a job because that’s what you’re supposed to be doing right now in our life.
What you are in your life right now is what you’ve chosen to be. And guess what! You get a do-over. Yes, you can choose to be or do something different, right now, yes right this second!
How? Get this. How you choose to express your life is your choice.
Every moment of every day is filled with choices. Choose what love would choose. Choose what grace would choose. Choose what compassion would choose. Choose what expresses the best of you.
Start small if you’re not used to this. Choose something healthy to go into your body for breakfast. Choose to smile and say good morning to everyone you meet. Be aware that every moment is filled with these choices and if you make one you’re not happy with, then guess what? You get to choose again!
- Aunt B
The Friend Who Got Away
What do friendships have to do with health? We get to know ourselves through the company we keep. Our friends know our failings and weaknesses, the stories behind our scars. They usually know we’re in love before we do and best of all, they know what makes us laugh. It’s with our friends that we’re our most authentic.
Unlike our family, we choose our friends and our choice tells the rest of the world who we are or who we hope to become.
As we grow and change, so do our friends. In my last post I talked about a friend who had crossed a line, and I posed the question, even though he apologized, is this the end of the friendship?
Yes.
The friendship will never be the same again.
In the book, “The Friend Who Got Away” Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappell have gathered the accounts of twenty women who tell the stories behind the “blowups, burnouts and slow fades” of friendships.
In the foreword of the book they write, “We all have one. A story about the friend who got away… Sometimes we mourn the loss of a friend; other times we celebrate the break, but no matter what, we don’t forget it.”
Our lost friendships tell us how much we have grown, or points out the places we need mature. Offill and Schappell write, “Often this person knows a self we have kept hidden from the rest of the world…”
It is that trust between friends that allows us to try on our authenticity, our real selves. Our emotional health is as important as our physical health. Our friendships, the healthy ones and the broken ones show us the places where we need to grow.
This friend certainly did that for me.
And because I need to set boundaries, it’s time for me to let them go.
Do you have a friend who got away?
- Aunt B
Why Can’t We Be Friends? Or Can We?
“You know my number, it’s not going to change.”
I snapped the phone closed.
I’ve known this friend since third grade. I’ve known his girlfriends, all three of his wives and have attended the christenings and birthday parties of his son and daughter.
One day he crossed the line of friendship by suggesting that our relationship become physical. At that time and as of this writing he was married. I refused.
We then entered into a business relationship. (I see you shaking your heads, I know. I know. Stevie Wonder could see this one coming) and when the end product didn’t come out as he expected there were harsh words, screaming and insults.
“You don’t get to talk to me like that,” I told him. He raged on and I snapped the phone closed. Months went by.
So he calls again to tell me how sorry he is, how disappointed he was in our business transactions and how much he misses our friendship. Your Aunt B on the other hand feels as though there was a major infraction and wonders (but mostly doubts) that we could go back to the friendship we once shared.
It’s that age-old question on whether or not men and women can be friends, just friends, with no expectation of sex. According to Psychology Today, “A certain classic film starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal convinced a nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible. “When Harry Met Sally set the potential for male-female friendship back about 25 years…”
Once that line was crossed, everything changed, so now. I wonder what to do? Forgive and forget?
Oh! Here comes a text from him… it says, “I miss you, I miss talking to you, I hope we can get past this. I love you.”
Or do I forgive and just move on?
What do you think?
- Aunt B
Mama’s Quote of the Day
“Food matters: Eat whole foods with good friends.” by Raquel S. Hunter
- Mama
