Sex or violence? Which would you rather your child see?

Do you shield your child’s eyes whenever folks get all kissy on the screen? Do you do the same when someone pulls out a gun? Which freaks you out more?

When you see sexual images on the screen do you think of the over sexualization of women? Or do you worry about body images and self-esteem and what affect this might have on your son or daughter? Do you wonder how young minds are shaped by barrage of gunfire, flesh eating zombies and decapitations? What’s too much?

As a parent, part of our job is to act as a filter for our children. We want what’s appropriate for them, and it seems that we constantly have to figure out where those lines are, and know how our children perceive sex and violence.

While sex is explainable, people fall in love, they kiss, and affection is a sign of love. Here in America (and elsewhere I hear) sex sells everything, and I find the word “inappropriate” coming out of my mouth a lot.
I stumble when I try to explain violence. Yes, it’s okay to be angry. No, it’s not okay to kill someone just because you’re angry. And how do I explain gratuitous violence that’s just good for a laugh or video games that give points for killing people?

Why do we struggle with “Brokeback Mountain” and celebrate “Saw IV?” Why are we obsessed with what pop tart of the week is or isn’t wearing underwear and barely blink when our children gun each other down in the street.

Which freaks you out more when it comes to what your child is exposed to, sex or violence?

Chime in.

- Aunt B

Father’s Day Recap — 2010

“More strawberries please.”

My Dad instructs the young woman behind the counter. She piles more fresh strawberries on. “How about some pineapple?”

“Sure thing.” She spoons chopped pineapple into the container, pressing it into swirled yogurt.

At this precise moment everything with my Dad is easy. It’s about sweet treats and people watching, as we journey through this designated day of appreciation.

The day before Father’s Day I call him and say, “You know I don’t need a day to tell me to tell you how much I appreciate you.”

“I know,” he says, “That’s right.”

Things haven’t always been so loving and appreciative. He is a complicated man, and a complicated relationship we have, as I have with both my parents, and I’m sure I’m not alone. As a single mother I find it much easier to write about Mother’s Day. My own momma issues carefully pressed and tucked away. My daddy issues are harder to fit into the luggage that goes into the overhead bin.

Forgiving my father has been an ongoing process. My Dad raised my brother and I after our Mom left “to be happy.” He worked two or three jobs for as long as I could remember, carted my friends around to roller skating, concerts and Friday night movies. He also did some things that I carried deep shame over. At one time in my life his sins seemed unforgiveable, and I let years pass without contact, and while I regret the lost time, I now know that I needed that break in our relationship to work toward the compassion and grace required to forgive him.

“Happy Father’s Day! I’m in pigs heaven!”

My Dad is crowing into the phone. “My daughter took me to breakfast and bought me shoes,” he pauses, “Then we had ice cream!” He is laughing and smiling. My uncle is on the other end.

We sit easy this Father’s Day, in a different silence, enjoying our sweet treat and people watching. While forgiveness, grace and compassion are working overtime, pressing our past back into the past, folding and creasing our lives together. My baggage might not fit in the overhead compartment but we’re constantly working it out.

– Aunt B

How to Enjoy Father’s Day – Father’s Day Instructions

It’s time for the annual BBQ, the clumsily wrapped package of boxers or briefs, the golf clubs, the new wallet or the latest gadget. These things are planned or bought with the anticipation of your joy over the gizmo or BBQ, and in turn you’ll know that you’re loved and appreciated.

Whether or not you enjoy all this attention and sentiment really depends on the type of Dad you are. Which Dad are you:

Keep those cards and letters coming! —You were the golden child, petted and praised by your own parents. The attention feels right because, well you’re in total agreement that your deserve it. Your caveat, don’t become critical of the gifts or the effort.

The one they forgot at the park—There were multiple kids in your family and maybe you were the quiet one. Or perhaps your personality was one that didn’t seek the limelight. You don’t on Father’s Day either and find the hoopla a bit uncomfortable. You might even rant about manufactured holidays; commercialization and you might even throw in something about the “system.” Relax and soak in the love.

The rebel – If you did anything right growing up, it was a miracle. Or so you were told. You can’t believe you’re someone’s parent now and find it even harder to believe the attention on Father’s Day. For what? You ask. Because the hot water comes on and the lights and phone work too? While your personality might have been a challenge to those around you, your own family gets your quirks, your different way of doing things, so let them appreciate you.

So on Father’s Day remember:

Be open to the love and appreciation that is coming your way. No matter how clumsily wrapped it is. While one child might’ve saved their allowance to buy a fancy card and the other draws a stick figure with a heart on notebook paper, they both love you.

Know the weight of your words and actions. Know how important you are in your children’s lives. They are watching, learning, and loving you all at once.

Remember they are your children. Not your spouse or your parents. They will not deem you golden, nor will they forget you at the park or label you a rebel.

Now go get ready for that BBQ you grill master you!

- Aunt B

Pets, Relationships and How One Can Improve the Other

We’ve gone dog crazy. Yes I said it. Dogs in purses, designer dogs, dog whisperers. Sheesh! I dig animals and all but uhm… they can’t sleep in my bed and I’m just not picking up poop. I can’t deny the benefits that pets bring into our lives. The companionship and the unconditional love and devotion they give are just too priceless to measure. And let’s just tic off a few of the documented health benefits:

• Increased longevity after heart attacks
• Lower blood pressure
• Lower cholesterol
• Decreased feelings of loneliness

Someone bring me a puppy please!

So when Dr. Suzanne Phillips over at Psych Central asked the question, “Can pets improve your relationship?” I was all over it. We know how their mere presence in our lives helps us physically and mentally, but how we relate to them, our capacity for forgiveness, our openness, and our willingness to let them be who they are, opens us up on an emotional level. Perhaps we should take note of the grace and compassion in which we treat out animal companions and apply that to our loved ones. We are so afraid of getting hurt. We are so afraid of people seeing who we really are, of judgement. Our pets are not. They let it all hang out. And maybe they do it out of ignorance and I’m willing to bet that the bliss of that ignorance is what we really want anyway.

Can we learn something from our relationship with pets that might enhance our relationship with partners?

Greetings
No matter how you feel or what mood you are in, you greet your pet with a positive, even animated, hello and often with a display of physical affection.

Expectations
With pets, maybe it’s your lack of expectation that makes the difference. You probably rarely predict that your pet will be angry if you are late. As a result, you don’t head home defensively angry in preparation for the reaction you expect to face.

Holding Grudges
When you do return home to find that your cats have redecorated the room with shreds of every tissue they could find or the dog has eaten some of the mail, you may well react with a choice expletive but you are not likely to hold a grudge. You are still going to be petting Donatello or cuddling with Thor the next day.

Assuming the Best
There is a natural tendency to forgive pets their trespasses – after all, the dog wasn’t trying to torture you by eating the mail. Was your partner really trying to torture you by putting it in such a safe spot it can’t be found?

Acceptance
Few pet owners personalize their pets’ reactions to others to an extreme that makes them so embarrassed that they fear their image is tarnished or they become resentful of their pets. The fact that the dog is licking every part of the arriving guest’s body is cause to pull him away or laugh it away. The cat that will not come out of hiding or the parrot that is screeching is left without judgment or excuses. That’s them!

For Better or For Worse

In most cases, pets are home to stay. People love and care for pets of every size, shape and disposition. “She’s not exactly a watch dog; she’s loving but easily frightened.” “He insists on sleeping on the bed – we have given in.” “She steals food from the other dogs, she’s pretty hyper, but cute.” Few pets live with the fear of being betrayed or with the implication that things are just not working out. Of course they don’t – but just consider how the absence of such fears enhances the trust and connection you feel from them!

So think about what you give your pet and maybe how — in addition to improving your health — your pet can improve your relationship!

- Aunt B

Source: Psych Central

40 Years, The Gores and a Clint Eastwood Movie Title

Do we have to stay married until the end? What if we tire of our partner’s quirky habits, that clicky thing they do with their toe at night, every episode of Law and Order, the way they chew. Did Tipper finally hear enough about global warming and Al complaining about the lost presidential bid… “You know babe, I should’ve gotten the presidency, things would be a LOT different now.” Did Al give her an ultimatum to just “put the freakin’ camera down for a moment!” And then there was that uncomfortably long kiss at the 2000 Democratic National Convention; it went lip to lip with the MiJac Lisa Presley kiss that told the world that “love don’t live here anymore.” Why did they finally say enough?

The Good

They stayed together 40 years and that’s commendable. My parents made it to ten, my own marriage lasted five. They were a successful couple that raised four children. Clearly there was something there that pulled them through work they were clearly passionate about and raising a family.

The Bad

What worked to pull them through the first 40 certainly wasn’t enough to carry them through “til death do us part.” Now that makes every couple look at their spouse and wonder.

The Ugly

Lasting love, the kind that is along for the entire journey is possible. Love is a dance of needs, a need for reassurance, a need for comfort, a need for support, a need for connection. We say what our needs are and our partner responds. It all goes south when fear gets in the way and we can’t say what we need, or we just don’t know, or we just don’t know how. Wires cross, communication gets distorted and connections fail.

The Gore split seems amicable right now and while we have no right to pry into their private lives, what I know for sure is that sometimes you know when you’ve had enough and it’s time to move on. I hope that’s all there is. We don’t have to stay married to the end, but we should know what makes us happy. I hope they will be happy.

- Aunt B

Seven Aching Truths About Grief

My mother grieves on Xanax. Afraid her feelings will open her up into something wide yawning and dark, swallow her whole and spit out the hull. My father grieves standing tall, shoulders back, head held high. No tears. No talk. Unshakable silence. I wonder where he puts his grief, until I hear about something in the house being torn down and rebuilt and then I know.

When I grieve I fold into myself, each crease silencing me until I am so small I can fit into someone’s pocket. My friends pry the feelings from me and say “Yes” a lot. Eventually, I spill onto the page.

In the short walk I’ve taken on this planet, I’ve learned that:

1. Grief is always about change. You have lost something or someone. Things will never be the same.
2. Whatever the loss is/was, it blows a hole through your soul. You want things how they are “supposed” to be. You are shocked, angry, hurt, frightened or sad. This grief thing knows its course; it’s a roller coaster of ups and downs and you’re only along for the ride. Welcome to the real world. Hold on, the ride can be bumpy.
3. These feelings are large and unwieldy. So sit with them. Learn to tell others the truth and say “I am ________ right now.” Then take that moment to be that. Maria Shriver said it best at the 2009 Women’s Conference, “Grief can make a liar out of you because there is a disconnect between how you feel, and how you think you’re supposed to behave.”
4. Understand that grief is a process. Like a rollercoaster ride you are jerked this-a-way and that-a-way. You inch to the top of a hill and then you freefall down. And then there’s calm again… until the next climb up begins.
5. There is no right or wrong way to do this. There is no time frame, just when you think it’s over, a memory will come or an event will happen and you’re at the top of the hill again. Hang on. Give yourself space and time.
6. You need to keep moving. Move your body and your soul. Pick up a pen, a paintbrush, a shovel, a frying pan, a camera, a needle and thread, and write or garden or bake or photograph or sew…
7. Grief needs a story. How you got over. How your soul looks back and wonders. Tell the story that describes the loss, the change, the hills, the freefall, where you white knuckled it, and where you almost lost your lunch. And how, at the end of the ride… you stood up and you moved on.

- Aunt B

Name Your Mother’s Favorite Tune

I’ll always love my mama
She’s my favorite girl
I’ll always love my mama
She brought me in this world – The Intruders 1973

Aw Yeah! Mother’s Day is coming! So I’m breaking out the 45’s and the LP’s (the whaaat?) and listening to some of my mother’s favorites and some of my favorites about mothers.

It was through music that I really got to know my mother. Not the cookie baking (not really, but it sounds nice here) PTA (I remember she went to a couple) meeting mom, but glimpses of who she was before my brother and I arrived on the scene.

While dinner was on the stove, my mother would sift through the stack of LP’s and pull out The Carpenter’s or Lou Rawls and put them on the stereo. And while dinner simmered, I’d peek into the living room and watch my mom sway to the music and listen to her sing off key.

It was through music that I realized that she was a person before me, that her and my father fell in love to Smokey Robinson’s “You Really Got A Hold On Me.” That once she sat through two full concerts of B.B. King. And when she puts on Aretha Franklin or Big Momma Thornton, it’s best just to go clean your room.

My mom’s all time favorite song? “Volare” by Dean Martin.

All of these songs are about mothers; can you fill in the blanks?

1. And even though I act _____ I gotta thank the Lord that you made me. (Tupac Shakur)
2. Your Mama don’t ______ and your Daddy don’t rock ‘n roll. (Loggins & Messina)
3. I went walking the other day, everything was going fine. I met a little boy named Billy Joe and then I almost lost my mind. ________ said they’ll be days like this. (The Shirelles)
4. Mama was a looker, Lord, how she shined. Papa was a good’n but the jealous kind. Papa loved Mama, Mama loved men, Mama’s in the graveyard. Papa’s in the_____. (Garth Brooks)
5. Mama said _____ you out! (LL Cool J)

- Aunt B

When your child binges

I have a 10-year-old daughter who binge eats. I have caught her hiding food in her closet in a big box. I don’t regulate what she eats or make her ever skip meals, but she seems to have a fear that she won’t get enough. It’s either that or she is emotionally eating. If we have any sort of snack or treat in the house, it will all be gone by the next morning. She gets up in the night and binges. I am starting to see it in her body. I don’t want to be overbearing and limit her diet because I feel that it will make her hide and do it more. I don’t know how to help her.

Last night I got up to use the bathroom and she was eating a huge bowl of goldfish and was on about her third glass of chocolate milk. I tried to tell to her about it in a nice way, as to not offend her, but she just tells me that she won’t do it anymore, but then she does. I know that she has no control over this feeling that makes her eat. I don’t know how to stop it or how to help her. I am afraid for her future and what this problem will lead to… no doubt much misery.

I really appreciated the compassion and understanding that came through in your comment about your daughter.

Binge Eating Disorder and Night Eating Syndrome are usually related to stress, worry, anger or depression. Those doing the eating often feel helpless or out of control. In children, some situations that might trigger those feelings:

• A recent move
• Divorce or separation
• Sexual abuse

The following are some of the signs and symptoms that a child might have an eating disorder:

• Preoccupation with food and the next meal or snack?
• Eating more than usual, while still saying she or he is hungry?
• Eating very rapidly or eating constantly?
• Sneaking or hoarding food, even immediately after meals?
• Feeling ashamed or fearful when confronted about this?
• Excessive concern with weight and body shape?
• Making negative comments about her/himself?
• Feeling lonely, depressed, worried, preoccupied?
• Spending a great deal of time alone

Talk to your child about her health and that you all might need a doctor to help you make a plan so that she stays healthy. Then call your child’s pediatrician let them know what’s been going on and for how long. Your concern and compassion is admirable. Now let’s take some action to keep your daughter healthy, emotionally and physically.

- Aunt B

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