Brenda on being pregnant and alone

Dear Brenda,

My boyfriend just told me he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I’m 7 months pregnant and been nothing but faithful. He doesn’t even come home some nights. What do I do?

Dear 7 Months and Counting,

Men scare easily. Especially when it has to do with commitment or anything that includes feelings. They often define themselves by their freedoms and a baby and a baby’s mother often disrupts their image of the ‘studly’ rock star they believe themselves to be. Don’t count him out just yet; just know that when it comes to reliability and support he’s a can short of six pack. I know his indifference hurts. He’s being an *sshole right now, and that doesn’t negate the fact that once you loved and something innocent and beautiful has formed from that.

So here you are darlin’ with this baby growing inside you, a tangible expression of hope and promise, your swelling belly a declaration that life goes on and on and on. And so must you. You must continue to care for yourself, to continue your prenatal care, keep your doctor appointments. You must read and educate yourself on what to expect during the remaining months of your pregnancy and what to expect during the birthing process. It is up to you to offer your soon-to-be-born child the best health possible starting out. In short, it’s not about him right now. It’s about the baby.

I realize that this is a time of uncertainty and wonder, of intimacy with this life inside you and anxiety about the future. There are options and decisions have to be made. You can choose to be a single mom or you can choose adoptive parents for your child. Either decision needs a conversation and a support system.

Being a single mother is wonderfully challenging, thrilling, hard, thankless, and is somewhat easier with a rock solid support system. And while single moms get a lot of sh*t for being just that, we (present company included) are a phenomenal bunch of get-it-done attitude, resilience, dedicated people who know our families are different and the same. We keep more balls in the air than an over-caffeinated circus clown. We ‘do the damn thang’ day after day after day.

The other option is a brave one, a selfless act that takes courage and support. I’m talking about adoption and have several friends who have adopted children both domestically and internationally. Some have sought open adoptions and are in constant contact with the birth mom, while in other situations the birth mother initiates all contact. And still, there are situations in which there is no contact with the birth mom whatsoever. Adoption has changed and there are so many ways to facilitate something that can work for you. What I do know is that these children are so wanted and loved and it is a delight to be a part of their lives, to see the tenderness, and the celebration of family that these parents might not have ever experienced. A woman who chooses adoptive parents for her child will never know the depth of happiness, or the resounding joy she has given a family. Incredible.

Whatever you decide to do darlin’ know that you will move through this, and no matter the decision you will alternately think you made the right one and the wrong one. Trust yourself. You will make the right. I trust you. Be well.

Brenda