Brenda on Jackholes and Boundaries – Lying men and broken promises.
Dear Brenda,
I’m writing to you because I want to get another opinion on the situation going on with my daughter.
She met a guy and was dating him for 3 months, he told her that he would give her a truck and that he sold his house and the money he got from the sale of his house was going to be put down on another house. He has taken money out of her purse, and because he said he was buying a house for them to live in she didn’t pay the rent on her apartment. She also sold her van, believing that he was going to give her his vehicle. He disappears for a day or two with no communication with her.
Now she has no vehicle, cause she sold it and has an eviction notice on her apartment, she has two young children that are now without a vehicle or a home, he also didn’t pay the cell phone bill like he said he did and it got shut off, so my daughter was left without any communication, transportation and is now homeless.
She said she was done with him, but now I find out that she is talking to him and letting him come over her house, I tried to tell her that she can’t believe anything he says and she should just cut her losses and not have anything to do with him. I told her I would not be helping her with rides unless she totally ends it with him. now she is angry with me, she just never seems to learn by her mistakes. I just wanted to know what you thought of the situation.
Thanks for listening.
Dear Mama Lion,
What amazes me about women is that some of us still believe in the knight in shining armor, who will give us a “trusty steed,” pay our phone bills and provide shelter for us and our children. We love so fiercely, and can become so blinded by happily ever after that we ignore the red flags, we don’t question, we forgive too quickly when boundaries are ignored or crossed.
For the record, this man is a jackhole, who is undeserving of the love and devotion that your daughter has shown him. Yes, she should cut her losses, lose his phone number, move and leave no forwarding address.
Still, I wonder if your daughter loves herself to see that she deserves more than someone who takes money from her purse, or promises to take care of a bill and then doesn’t keep that promise, and lies. Doesn’t she believe that she deserves more?
While Mamas will have the sex talk with their daughters, equally important is the discussion about boundaries. Boundaries will help our daughters make better decisions about acceptable behavior in regards to their body, how they are treated and their space. I hope you will talk with your daughter about boundaries, and how important it is to set them in the beginning of a friendship or relationship.
Your daughter needs to know her worth, and that she deserves better than a lying jackhole, she deserves someone who respects her as a woman and a mother and she must learn to demand no less than that.
Best of luck,
Brenda
Domestic Violence: A primer in three parts.
I would wonder when I walked the streets after a day at work, is he one? The one with the striped oxford shirt, or maybe the guy in the seersucker shirt and flip-flops. Is he an abuser? Does he hit his wife? Does he scream obscenities at her and tell her how stupid she is? The guy in the expensive car who smiles when I roll up beside him, is he one too? Does he grab his wife by the hair and force himself on her? Does he control all of the money? Does he tell her when to come and go, does he time it when she leaves the house or check the odometer on her car?
10 years as a 9-1-1 operator told me the answer to all of those questions is yes. Abusers are rich and poor and middle class or somewhere in between. One trait they all share is that the abuser usually come across as arrogant, however they actually feel very inadequate and want to remain in control. One thing I know for sure is that domestic violence happens in every strata of society. I’ve taken calls from the wives of celebrities and police officers. No race or socio-economic class is immune.
As a 9-1-1 operator, most of the calls I took that required the police involved domestic violence. And according to the American Bar Association (ABA):
- Approximately 1.3 million women and 835,000 men are physically assaulted by an intimate partner annually in the United States.
- In 2000, 1,247 women and 440 men were killed by an intimate partner. In recent years, an intimate partner killed approximately 33% of female murder victims and 4% of male murder victims.
Those statistics are appalling.
What’s wrong with us? What do we need to do and say to our young boys so they don’t feel inadequate and powerless? What safeguards can we put in our educational system to let young me know that it is never okay to hit a woman?
Finally, men are not the only abusers. Coming up, women who abuse men and how to leave an abuser.
Chime in.
- Aunt B
Low-Power Toys: Minimizing Toy Energy Use
Whether I’m shopping for a birthday, a baby shower, or holiday gifts, I’ve recently been thinking about sustainability when it comes to toys. Not only are many toys made poorly so that they break in no time, wasting resources in the process, but a vast majority of them now rely on energy in order to be enjoyable. A no-battery xbox or remote-controlled car would never do (insert sarcasm here)!
Add to that the fact that many energy-hogging toys contain toxic components, like mercury, polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), lead, and more. In fact, electronic toys can contain more than 1,000 toxic substances and chemicals. Many toys also contain polyvinyl chloride (PVC), carcinogen as well as phthalates, which can damage kidneys, the liver, lungs, and reproductive systems in people, big and small.
And of course, if they rely on batteries, they create battery waste and cost more money to run! And dead batteries, when they’re thrown into landfills instead of recycled, can leach into the earth or vaporize into the air.
Consequently, I’ve decided to look for battery-free, energy-free toys from now on. Here are some characteristics I’m going to look for when shopping for new toys in the future:
- Natural wooden toys: A child can have a lot of fun with wooden toys, whether it’s a puzzle, a train set, a miniature kitchen, doll furniture, or blocks. I’ll also be sure to choose those finished with nontoxic paints and stains, as they can contribute to indoor air pollution.
- PVC-free plastic toys: Apparently you can recognize something made of PVC by looking for the letter “V” in the three-arrow recycling symbol stamped into plastic products. I’ll be avoiding that as much as possible.
- Organic fabric toys: Dolls, bears, and other cuddly toys are wonderful for girls and boys of all ages, and can be found more and more made of organic cotton, bamboo, hemp, wool, and other eco-friendly fabrics. Ones made with plant-based dyes are even better.
And if I must by a battery-powered toy, I’m going to be stocking up on rechargeable batteries since these create much less toxic waste… and save a ton of money, too!
- Lucy
Winter: the season of arthritis
Arthritis in dogs is almost impossible to avoid once we mature but there are ways you can ease the pain for us during the cold winter months when our joints become stiff and tender.
Once we reach 7 to 10 years of age, there’s a 60 percent chance that we’ll develop arthritis, a chronic pain condition that results when joint cartilage deteriorates. The joints become inflamed due to a lack of lubrication and we hurt when we move. Older, big dogs are especially prone because their frames have to carry so much weight. But younger pooches that are overweight, lack exercise and eat poorly are also in danger. Genetics and poor breeding are also to blame. Notice if we start to limp, favor a limb, are unwilling to and have difficultly sitting and standing up and let out a yelp if you touch us. Sometimes we can’t keep up with you on walks because we’re in too much pain. Have a vet check us for arthritis. Osteoarthritis is the most common form in animals and humans. There’s also rheumatoid arthritis and infectious arthritis.
There’s no cure for the condition but here are things you can do to make us more comfortable.
- I know we’re in pain but light exercise is vital to help us strengthen the muscles, keeps the ligaments and tendons flexible and helps blood circulate to the stiff joints. Make it fun, short and low-impact. A little incentive always helps.
- Make sure we have a proper bed – Hard, cold surfaces irritate the joints. Invest in a heated or orthopedic pet bed.
- Use non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs prescribed by a vet and analgesic medications to reduce the symptoms, but be aware that they can sometimes cause gastrointestinal problems. Hip and joint supplements such as glucosamine, chondroitin and Omega 3 fatty acids help as well.
- Owners who prefer a holistic approach, can try acupuncture, hydrotherapy, massage and light therapy.
- More recently, stem cell therapy has proven effective
- Surgery is also an option, but is rare
Winter days may be bleak and bleary but there’s hope for us arthritic dogs during this time.
- Trevor the dog
Baby Bonding and Blended Families — First Time Dad
Dear Brenda,
I’ve recently become a first time father with my partner who has three children from a previous marriage. While I am completely in love and in awe of my newborn son and loving being a father for the first time, I am feeling that my role of his father is not one that is being fully considered by my partner and in particular her eldest, a boy of 14 years. On a few occasions he has been commenting on the way I’ve been fathering my son and is telling me how things should be done. He also consistently wants to hold my boy, at the expense of my having time with him or giving him time to rest on his own without being in the arms of someone. While my son is only 5 days old at the moment, I feel like my role of father to my child is being merely dismissed. I have spoken to my partner about this but this seemed to be little avail with her, as expected sticking up for her son and, in my opinion, not dealing with the fact that this is my first child, more like thinking of this as just being another child in our relationship. I have fears that my son won’t be able to establish a bond with me, his natural father and will instead make more of a connection with his half-brother, in turn leaving me in the lurch.
All of these feelings have increased since my child’s birth, where the eldest congratulated his mum on the birth but didn’t say any such thing to me, instead critiquing me on how I was holding my son. Things came to head just the other night when my partner’s youngest made a comment to her older brother when he was holding my son trying to calm him down. She was awaiting her turn to hold my son and at the eldest determination to calm the child down she blurted out, “You’re not Xander’s father, Lloyd should be doing that not you.” This comment just made my feelings all the stronger as I felt that this was something that not only I was bearing witness to.
I am still at a loss as to what to do as all that seems to have been established from my discussion with my partner is that I have been stupid to think such thinks and probably need to change, but this is my first child and truly fear losing out on my role as father. Any advice that you could help me with would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Dear First Time Dad,
When I brought my baby girl home, I had some of the same feelings. My then husband’s mother and brother were there and for the most part, everyone was holding the baby but me. I didn’t want to cause any familial riffs, so I stayed quiet, but inside I harbored the same concerns and fears. I’d read the books and I knew the importance of bonding! His mother would just look at me and rock and coo at her or the uncle would hold her while he watched football. It seemed they would only bring her to me to be breastfed. The day everyone left to go back Chicago, after waving one of the happiest goodbyes ever, I sat with her in my arms and looked into her eyes and said, “It’s just us now, it’s just us.”
So I understand how you feel about wanting a moment to hold this precious expression of life uninterrupted and without a running commentary on whether or not you’re doing it right. When this happens simply turn to the person who is making the comment and say, “I’m learning and I love this baby as much as you and we both have to find our way” or something to that effect. And let me just add, that all bonding is good. You want the 14 year-old to hold the baby, to feel close. There is no such thing as holding a baby too much. Though I’m sure an Old Wife is scolding me and pulling out her book of “tales” as she reads this. In just a few short years that same young man will be off to college or pursuing some life dream. You all are a family that is still blending and that beautiful baby is churning the waters. Let it be.
The issue I see in this family dynamic is that the family roles seem unclear. The eldest son should be given his respect as eldest son and no more. As you and your partner now stand at the helm of the household, there should be some boundaries drawn together about acceptable language and tone from the children. That is your issue, not whether or not the child will see you as its father. Do you hang out with the eldest? Have you taken the time to bond with him? Does he now know that he doesn’t have to carry the responsibility of playing father? Does he know that you have the role firmly in hand?
All around you, new routines are being established, new roles are being carved out and without the slightest bit of awareness this new baby has become king and is holding court, complete with cooks, nannies, jesters and advisors. I say, no matter what you’re still The Dad.
- Brenda
You know you’ve been single too long when…
You consider Al Anon meetings as a potential place to meet men.
Your trip to the Science museum with the kid is really a scoping session for single dads.
You get a small thrill when the toilet seat is left up, even if it is only by the plumber.
You widen the area of possibility by adding 10 years onto your “seeking” age bracket on your online profile.
You’ve had an online profile so long they’ve made you an honorary member of the site.
You start to view farting as an endearing quality in a man.
You actually listen to your mother’s dating advice.
You stop wearing Victoria’s Secret when you hit the town as, chances are, ain’t no one getting into your pants.
You have a mock argument with yourself over the remote control.
It’s been so long since you visited the other side of the bed, you need GPS co-ordinates to get there.
You talk to grown-ups in baby-speak and your dog in grown-up speak.
You’ve had your babysitter so long you’re now forking out for her pension.
You’re male friends start to look attractive and you seriously consider them as dating material.
You stop putting on lipstick when you pop out to the convenience store.
You eat so much take-out McDonalds has named a burger after you – no points for guessing it’s a meal made for one.
If your self-esteem plummeted any lower it would be doing the limbo.
Next to your bed is a growing stack of books with titles like Men Who Love Women Who Can’t Commit on Thursdays, Find Your Inner Child and Take it Shopping and Feng Shui Your Fridge.
The only time you get flowers is when they’re delivered to your house by mistake.
You spend the money you saved for breast implants on a comfortable new sofa.
You have no problem changing a tire but you struggle to boil an egg.
You go all girly when the guy at the check-out smiles at you.
A bag of dried pasta will see you through the month but a box of cookies won’t make it through Grey’s Anatomy.
-Single-again Samantha
Aunt B’s Health Bits- Can I get a wash and set and a blood pressure check?
I was strolling the Internet and saw an article about barbershops that offered blood pressure checks along with a haircut. Well how much sense does that make? A lot! It is one of the few places we show up regularly. Now wouldn’t that make a nice little extra, if beauty shops and barbershops offered blood pressure checks along with a shave or hair extensions, a blow dry and curl? It just somehow makes sense and it works.
A recent study published in the Archives of Internal Medicine, tracked 17 barbershops and found that men who had their blood pressure checked when they went to get a haircut were “far more likely to see a doctor and get their blood pressure under control.” There were 17 shops that participated in the study. Eight of those shops distributed pamphlets. The other nine took things further and actually checked the blood pressure of their patrons and offered free services for those that came back with a prescription. Here’s where it gets good. At the end of the study more than half of those participating had their blood pressure under control. I would add this type of service can create stronger and more loyal customers. And customers that live longer too.
People visit the hairdresser or the barbershop every two to three weeks. Having a blood pressure screening with someone that you “visit” with that often will certainly keep the issue at the top of the list. And you will be encouraged by these same people to do something about it.
How innovative, how health conscious, what a great idea!
Source: Science Daily
- Aunt B
Brenda Breaks Down The May-September Romance: When he’s just a bit younger than you.
Hi Brenda,
I’m 30 and dating a 23-year-old. No one believes I’m 30. I practically look like I’m 22. He doesn’t have a problem dating me. He likes it to be known that we date.
I’ve never dated someone that much younger than me. But the problem is that I’m catching major feelings for him, and scared if I tell him it will shoo him away. I know he likes me a lot. We spend a great deal of time together. I met his mother, father, brother and just about all his friends and they all like and accept me.
But am I stupid for trying to make the relationship more, or should I just take it for what it is? Thank you.
Sincerely,
Confused!
Dear Confused,
Well let’s get some clarity here darlin’. The phrase, “I’m catching major feelings” sounds like a confession of love (Yes I said it!) And maybe it isn’t the age that bothers you as much as these deeper feelings for him and having expectations of the relationship moving toward something more serious or permanent.
So what will happen if you tell him and why are you scared? Is this a relationship or is this just a hyped up booty call? If this is just about sex and you have feelings you need to say it. If it’s not just sex, your confession of “love” or “feelings” shouldn’t come as a surprise to him if you are spending so much time together.
Let me just put this out there Confused, in a relationship you get to say what your needs are and be listened to. You get to say what your feelings are. If that doesn’t happen or can’t happen, then perhaps you need to move on.
And no, Brenda doesn’t think you’re stupid for “trying to make it more.” I do think you should take the risk, say what you feel and listen to what he says. At that point you will be at a place of clarity and you will know what to do next.
What do you think readers? Any cougar pups in the house? Is the age difference a big deal? I don’t think so. What do you think?
- Brenda
