The insecurities of a stay-at-home mom
We even have our own acronym: SAHM, though it hasn’t taken off as fast as WASP, YUPPIE, DINK, or NIMBY. Still, it’s a distinction. I wish it made me proud.
Before I had children, I enjoyed working in an office. I liked the camaraderie, the challenge of solving problems, the routine, the paycheck. It gave me purpose that was quantifiable. This is what I do. This is what I’ve done.
Circumstances with work and my husband’s job made it more practical for me to stay home when our first daughter was born. After falling madly in love with her, I couldn’t imagine anything else. Motherhood was all consuming and I didn’t want anyone but me to care for her. She was a light I didn’t expect. Shortly after she was born, I started working from home, which suited me just fine.
I continued working from home after my second daughter was born, but when I became pregnant with my third, it was just too much. We couldn’t afford a nanny and decided to scrape by without my income. I was now officially a stay-at-home mom.
I recall being at a music class with my children when one of the other mothers kissed her son and told him she’d see him later. “Mommy has to go off to work.” There was no drama. He was apparently comfortable with this arrangement, fond of the nanny who took him from his mother, who to me appeared happier and more confident than I. Was she? Or was I just viewing her through my own insecure eyes? And why was I insecure? Because I thought at the end of her day, she could point to something specific and say look what I’ve accomplished. At the end of my day, I had a diaper Genie that needed to be emptied.
I’ve realized over the years, especially as my children have gotten older, that it’s my responsibility to find peace in the choices I’ve made. There are mothers who work and those who stay home. I’ve compared my children to theirs to prove I’m made the wiser decision and always come up short. There will always be children better and worse than mine. The more I judge the parents, the more I will be judged, and then no one wins. It’s then I realize motherhood was never a contest to begin with.
- Althea
Match.com: Fido’s search for the perfect human
Humans go through an amazing amount of research to find the ideal dog to make part of their family. But no one ever asks us what we’re looking for in an owner. Here’s what’s on my wish list for the perfect pet parent. I want someone who is:
Active: Exercise is important for all dogs, regardless of size. I want someone that will take me for walks through the neighborhood and play outside with me.
Sensitive: It’s important that you get to know my behavior and patterns so you can tell when I’m not feeling well.
Caring: I want someone who will bathe me or take me the groomer regularly. Make sure my toenails are clipped because it will help prevent injury and make me more comfortable. Also, brush me often so my coat doesn’t matt and I won’t shed so much.
Great communicator: Talk to me daily. Not only do I like the sound of your voice but you would be surprised at how many words I understand. My vocabulary extends far beyond “sit,” “stay,” “roll over,” “come,” and “fetch.” Nothing warms my heart more than when someone says “I love you,” and kisses me. I’ll even kiss back.
Patient: Please don’t be in a hurry when you walk me. I like to stop and sniff – a lot.
Generous: This means with your time. I’m excited when you come home from work and want you to spend some time playing with me. Before you leave in the morning, take a few minutes to play with me also.
Affectionate: I love to be rubbed and, like most dogs, have my belly scratched. Massages are also nice and can be calming for humans. Try giving me one.
Giver: Praise us. Dogs love their owners and we want to please you. If you praise us then we know we’re doing the right thing.
Remember, dogs are the most loyal pets. We remain devoted through the good and the bad times. But being an ideal pet parent gives us all the more reason to be the best companion to you.
- Trevor the Dog
The Latest Buzz About Breasts – October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month
Usually I’m annoyed by all the buzz over breasts. I mean really, our cups runneth over with all the attention to their fullness, tilt, and overall perkiness. My own breasts have seen better days. The plastic surgeons call it ptosis. I call it sag. No. I have no shame. It happens.
Sheyla Hershey really believes that bigger is better and pumped 1 gallon of silicone into her breasts, giving them the dubious distinctive bra size of 38KKK. It looks like one part of her body has traded places with the other. You tell me.
This isn’t about size or sag though, because this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, below are some of the latest research results about our mammary glands. Take a look at the good, the bad and of course, the ugly.
Here it is:
- Nearly 74 percent of women diagnosed with breast cancer during pregnancy were still alive five years after being diagnosed, compared to 55 percent of non-pregnant patients, according to researchers at University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. Source: U.S.News and World Report.
- The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2008 some 1,990 new cases of breast cancer will be diagnosed among men and about 450 men will die from breast cancer in the United States.
- Vigorous exercise of more than two hours per week reduces the risk of developing breast cancer in postmenopausal African-American women by 64 percent, compared to women of the same race who do not exercise, according to researchers at Georgetown Lombardi Comprehensive Cancer Center.
- The Mercy Medical Center Prevention and Research Center Team created an intervention program that consisted of relaxation techniques (i.e. deep breathing and guided imagery), optimization of nutrition and physical activity, introduction to restorative yoga techniques, and cognitive behavioral therapy to help make positive lifestyle changes for survivors of breast cancer who experience fatigue.
So ladies and gentleman, remember to touch you tatas! Bring lumps, dimpling skin, or itchy areas to your doctor’s attention. See here for how to self-exam. And let’s not go pumping a gallon of silicone into those puppies either. Just sayin’.
- Aunt B
To split or not to split?
Now don’t get me wrong, I consider myself a modern, progressive woman totally in touch with my inner feminist and all that jazz. So, why is it then that I still expect the guy to pick up the first-date tab? Yes, I can feed myself (and my child) on my own dime, and yes, I know men no longer necessarily fill the traditional breadwinner-boots, but there’s something about splitting that first bill that leaves a bad taste in my gold-digging mouth.
Still, I always offer and this, according to my dating-guru sister, is mistake number one. Don’t offer or, even worse, haul out your purse. Just smile sweetly and graciously acquiesce. Far from thinking you’re after a meal ticket, a man feels emasculated when you come over all “independent woman” like, says Nicci. She throws in words such as “chivalry” and talks about “the chase”, but even she finds it hard to argue the double standard at work here. For decades, we women have fought to be considered equals on every level and yet, to put it bluntly, if he don’t fork out, chances are we ain’t gonna put out.
Nonetheless, it would seem Nics may not be that far off the mark. Alec and I met at my local Thai for a blind-date dinner orchestrated by a mutual friend. It was a stilted affair made worse by the fact that, in empathy for Alec’s former alcohol problem, I abstained from my usual glass of Dutch courage. After an hour or two of forced conversation and the odd concealed yawn, we decided to call it a night. While Alec signaled the waiter’s attention, I reached for my penis-reducing wallet. Well, like Nicci predicted, I could almost see the guy visibly shrivel before my eyes. Hugely offended, he launched into a long diatribe relaying in minute detail the origins of his self-made fortune and the fact that he was, in no uncertain terms, not a tightwad. Quickly replacing the offending item, I then tried the smiling-sweetly thing, but alas, it was too late.
So much for chivalry, though… the guy didn’t even hold the door for me on the way out. Go figure…
- Single-again Samantha
Brenda answers: Am I in a healthy relationship?
Dear Brenda,
How do I know if I’m in a healthy relationship?
Dear Relationship Curious,
Do you like you? Because that’s where it all begins, if you don’t love you, no one else can.
A couple of marriages ago (Yes I mean more than two) I married a man I had no business marrying. But I was young and thought I knew everything. I wasn’t ready for a relationship with anyone else, because I hadn’t had a relationship with myself. I thought it was about sex. But soon learned that there were others who gave better “room service” than me. I thought it was all about showing him how much I loved him. Buzz. Wrong answer.
“How do you expect me to love you, when you don’t love yourself?” He said once during one of our chats. The light went on, but I still didn’t get it.
With husband number two I actually took the advice of a radio talk show host Dr.Toni Grant (don’t judge me!), who advised women to “return to their traditional roles” so I cooked, cleaned and had scheduled sex (to make sure HIS needs were met) until I burned out and I was bored out of my skull with the mundane life I’d chosen. And finally, we stood in front of judge and called it quits. I’d stopped being me. And it made me damn unhappy.
So when I say, it starts with you, I mean it. It does.
A healthy relationship means that you don’t mind hanging out with yourself. You think you’re pretty cool. And while it’s great to hear others say that, deep down you already own it.
A healthy relationship means you and your partner listen to each other, are patient with each other. You feel special, appreciated and loved.
In a healthy relationship you get to be you. There is no pretending, no folding you up to make yourself fit into the other person’s life. You get to be honest about your boundaries, diseases, likes and dislikes, political affiliation, favorite sports team, spiritual practice. You get the picture. You get to be you without judgment. And while you don’t have to do a full accounting of your life, the decisions you’ve made and the consequences you’ve endured, honesty rules.
A healthy relationship is a partnership. Let me say for the record that no one likes housework. Don’t be a slob, pick up after yourself. Share in the drudgery that is housework. When you don’t, resentment builds and that is slippery slope towards nowhere good. Also, financial decisions should be mutual and both partners should benefit in some way.
People laugh together in healthy relationships and have things in common that they enjoy together and some things they do by themselves. For the love of all things good let your partner have some “me” time or it will get boring and someone will become resentful. Have a hobby, friends, and time separate from your partner and with your partner as well.
People fight fairly in healthy relationships. They listen, they set boundaries, they respect boundaries, they communicate their needs, and they feel heard. They are honest, they forgive, they negotiate, they let go of things and move forward.
A healthy relationship is exclusive and inclusive. You both are exclusive to one another. No one else is in the relationship. The flip side of that is that you are both inclusive of family and friends. It’s not about just the two of you all of the time. That’s called an addictive relationship. And you don’t want that. Can someone say potential stalker?
So Curious, I hope that answers your question. Did I leave something out? Or is your view of a healthy relationship different? Alright readers, chime in.
Best,
Brenda
Mama’s Monday Favorite: LeMond Fitness RevMaster Pro
The LeMond Fitness RevMaster Pro is one of the best spinning bikes on the market. I was in heaven the first time I ’spun’ one of these bikes. The bike is not only comfortable, but durable. It is quiet and the tension control simulates uphill riding nicely.
The LeMond Fitness RevMaster Pro gives you tons of adjustment options. The RevMaster allows you to micro adjust saddle hight, saddle forward and backward, and handlebar up and down. The RevMaster allows the adjustment posts to slide freely and lock into position with clamps. The Revmaster also allow the handlebar to slide forward and backward to adjust your reach. The ability to micro adjust the handlebar is important because you won’t have to sacrifice knee/pedal position for reach.
The LeMond Fitness RevMaster Pro isn’t just for skinny minny types. An overweight or obese person can easily ride this bike without fear of falling over or breaking the bike. Watch NBC’s The Biggest Loser and you’ll see the LeMond Fitness in their famous workout gym.
We have the LeMond Fitness bike in the office gym. It is definitely one of the most used items in our office gym.
- Mama
**Mama’s Monday Favorite is the sole opinion of Mama. No monetary compensation was received for the feature. If you have a product that Mama might absolutely love, send Mama one of your products. If she likes it, she might list it as a Mama’s Monday Favorite.
Taking a peek inside Part 4. – When you listen to your heart.
“I’m going to get my groove back.” I tossed the catch phrase from Terry McMillan’s “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” at my boss as I waved good-bye and headed out the door. In the book the main character heads off to the Caribbean to find herself again. Me too. The Tween-let and I were on our way to Turks & Caicos for snorkeling and diving, sand and sun and finding my mojo again.
“Don’t get too groovy,” he snapped back.
My current relationship was at the delicate impasse of, ‘this isn’t really what I want but I’m too ____________ (insert choice word here) to move on’. I was hoping that this get-a-way would provide the foot in the *ss needed to reboot my love life. My own five-day “Eat, Pray, Love” is what I was calling it, though unlike Elizabeth, I didn’t have a bunch of time to burn. I am single mom with obligations, and a relationship where I fit my emotions underneath my tongue.
As a believer in God, Spirit, love, magic, thought, prayer, light, hope and intention I took every moment of this trip to reach inside myself and ask what I needed to feel whole again… So I took these steps.
Step 1: I asked my heart to get naked and speak of its desires.
It wanted unconditional love and emotional connection.
It wanted to be cherished and adored, it wanted to be valued and respected.
My heart desired the ritual of family, its own posse of folks to love and call its own.
It desired appreciation for the passionate intellectual spiritual playful love muffin
that I am.
Step 2: I listened to my heart. I didn’t challenge or call it crazy. I treated each desire as
authentic as what needed to feel whole.
Step 3: On my best stationary and with my most flourishing hand, I captured those desires,
recording each longing respectfully, as though spoken from a burning bush.
I felt happy, just knowing what I wanted and giving it some breathing room outside my heart. It’s okay to want to feel cherished and loved, adored and appreciated. Knowing the desires of our own heart is an intimate is an act of love for ourselves, what is more precious?
What are the desires of your heart?
- Aunt B
Yuck, why does my water taste so bad?
Everyone knows that dogs need fresh water daily but it’s also important to note that we should receive the same high-quality water as humans.
Just like our masters turn up their noses at unfiltered water from the tap, so do your four-legged friends. We notice that you drink bottled and filtered water and even lately water from expensive systems that turn yucky tap water into tasty water that is high in alkaline and antioxidants. Please share with us little people.
Tap water can contain harmful bacteria, viruses and even parasites. We don’t want those in our bodies any more than you do. Chlorine is added to tap water to kill the bacteria but that can be bad because chlorine, a poisonous gas that is converted to liquid form, might react with organic materials found in the water to create dangerous trihalomethanes (THM). Sometimes ingesting THMs and other chlorine by products increases the risk of certain types of cancer in both humans and animals, according to some studies. And chlorine just doesn’t taste very good. Imagine drinking water from a swimming pool with chlorine and then you’ll know what I mean.
Water is very important to us because we need to stay hydrated. We want to lead a long and healthy life with you and one way is for us to have quality water. When I lap fresh, filtered water, I don’t worry so much about getting urinary tract disorders and other medical conditions.
Also, please don’t forget to wash our bowls frequently. Otherwise, our bowls turn into Petri dishes where bacteria can grow from mold in the air. We prefer bowls made of stainless steel, glass or stoneware because they resist scratches that can harbor bacteria.
The thing to remember is this: if you would not drink the water from my bowl then neither should I.
- Trevor the Dog
