We’ve separated, but what do we do with the embryo?

Dear Brenda,

I have an issue, it’s a big issue and I don’t know what to do. I separated from my ex two years ago. Before our separation we had a baby through IVF and there is another spare embryo still in the lab.

I know my ex and I will never be together again. I know it sounds mad to try to have another baby of his while we have already been separated. I also know my life will be very hard if I had to look after two children on my own with very limited support from him. But I don’t feel good to throw the spare embryo in the bin either. What should I do?

Dear What-Should-I-Do,

I can only think of the time in my life when it seemed as if everyone else’s body seemed to do easily, frequently, even accidently what mine could not do. I remember being poked and prodded, tested and discussed in hallways outside of the examining room, while I sat and waited in a white gown that usually smelled faintly of bleach.

So I felt my heart quicken when I read your letter, because I’d tried IVF too, however, unsuccessfully.

While willingness doesn’t get as much PR as compassion, it is your willingness to listen to that inner voice that tells me that you’ve already made this decision. And to that I say brava to you.

To answer your question though, here are some things I would think about and want clarity on:

• What are the father’s rights when it comes to this embryo? In terms of being able to go forward with the procedure, would you need him to sign away his rights?
• If you were to carry this baby to term do you have a support system in place to help you?
• Are you financially able to care for this child?
• Would you consider carrying this child and being a part of an open or closed adoption?

Honor your willingness to really hear and consider what this inner part of you desires. That’s how you live without regrets, and that is really living. What should you do? You should do what your heart is telling you.

- Brenda