When Your Child is Fat
I could’ve been a poster child for Michelle Obama’s campaign against childhood obesity.
Fatty. Chubby Checker. Chunky Monkey. All names my father called me as a little girl, while my mother rolled her eyes heavenward every time we had to buy new clothes. I loved food and was an emotional eater to boot, and in my family food equaled love and vice versa. I was around 8 years old when my doctor began lecturing me about my weight.
According to the National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey of 2007 nearly 1/2 of U.S. children are obese. Childhood obesity has tripled over the last 30 years, meaning that this is the first time that a generation will NOT be healthier than their parents. And we know what the risks are when someone is overweight, everybody all together now:
As a single mom I struggle with my kid, who happens to love food. I make her breakfast and pack her lunch thinking that I have some control over what goes into her stomach. She eats her lunch and from what I’ve heard, the leftovers from the kids around her. Frustrating!
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry suggests the following:
- Start a weight-management program
- Change eating habits (eat slowly, develop a routine)
- Plan meals and make better food selections (eat less fatty foods, avoid junk and fast foods)
- Control portions and consume less calories
- Increase physical activity (especially walking) and have a more active lifestyle
- Know what your child eats at school
- Eat meals as a family instead of while watching television or at the computer
- Do not use food as a reward
- Limit snacking
While I always respect the opinions of the professionals, I’m open to new and creative ways to do some of these. Suggestions?
Help!
- Aunt B
Hi Aunt B,
I’m a new reader that just happened to find my way to your site. I’m also a fat activist that was drawn to your title “when your child is fat.” I appreciate the healthy suggestions that you’ve left, but I would go so far as to say EVERYONE should be practicing those eating habits. Heart disease, Diabetes, and High Blood Pressure have all been wrongly directly connected to being fat. I understand that some people have both, they eat larger amounts of unhealthy food and their body grows along with their bad health. But what about folks that are naturally fatter and eat well and exercise? What about children that are skinny due to their metabolism and yet eat junk food and are sedentary. The world’s hatred against fat is more unhealthy than all the fat people combined. It’s again, an oversimplification of the great complex beings that we are. Love your children and support them, it’s not easy being a fat child (or adult) but if you begin at an early age, they can learn to love their selves and their bodies and make their health choices based off of those good feelings instead of shame and embarrassment about their weight.
Thanks for your information and for caring about the health and well being of today’s young people. Keep up the good work.
Hello,
I appreciate you tackling this issue. Another thing I would suggest is to invite your kid into the kitchen with you. Prepare meals together, teach them about the different vegetables, what you can do with them, all the different ways you can cook them, etc. Show her what’s IN the food – maybe say “the recipe calls for 3 tsp. of butter, but we are only going to put one 1 tsp. in our meal because too much butter isn’t good for your body” – make it fun and educational! Kids will learn from your example!
Diana,
I think this is a great idea. I have brought my kid in the kitchen and my kid announced that she would like to be chef! So I jumped on this and bought her a cookbook. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Aunt B
Aunt B’s response to Tina http://blog.mamashealth.com/2010/03/31/the-fat-activist-weighs-in/
I have a 10 year old daughter who binge eats. I have caught her hiding food in her closet in a big box. I don’t regulate what she eats or make her ever skip meals, but she seems to have a fear that she won’t get enough. It’s either that or she is emotionally eating. If we have any sort of snack or treat in the house, it will all be gone by the next morning. She gets up in the night and binges. I am starting to see it in her body. I don’t want to be overbearing and limit her diet because I feel that it will make her hide and do it more. I don’t know how to help her??? Last night I got up to use the bathroom and she was eating a huge bowl of goldfish and was on about her 3 glass of chocolate milk. I tried to tal to her about it in a nice way as to not offend her, but she just tells me that she won’t do it anymore, but then she does. I know that she has no control over this feeling that makes her eat. I don’t know how to stop it or how to help her. I am afraid for her future and what this problem will lead to… no doubt much misery.
Hello Lezlie..
Is it just me or is the answer obvious? Is your ten year old getting in the car and driving to the grocery store to buy herself some gold fish and chocolate milk? The short and painfully apparent answer is: NO. YOU are. If you continue to bring those items into your home without restrictions placed, or punishments meted out for overeating, its no wonder to me that shes just making her own menu plan at any hour of the night.
She must start understanding that eating properly, exercising and not using food for comfort is a mandatory issue that will not be tolerated in your home. Isn’t that what our Mothers said to us? Wasn’t it imperative that we leave certain things in the frig or pantry for special occasions or that we only ate so much between meals because Mother put a dinner together that we were expected to eat? Do you EVER remember bags of chips, crackers, soda or even treats in your house as a youngster? Times have changed indeed and in your case I think you are forgetting that you are the parent and telling your daughter to keep her fingers out of the goldfish and chocolate milk is exactly the same as telling her to get to bed on time, brush her teeth and so on. Have you held back thus far in teaching her about talking to strangers or crossing the street without looking both ways? One day, will you also allow her to make her own choice about drugs or unprotected sex? My guess is that you wouldnt hesitate for a moment to speak with her about these things. So, how is speaking frankly and honestly about overeating dangerous to your daughter? I promise you her feelings will be hurt much worse by the boy who sits next to her in Chemistry when shes sporting a much larger pair of jeans than her fellow classmates.
Set your expectations for your child’s eating program as you would any other issue. Show by example how good it feels to be the right size while eating properly and getting enough exercise. Worry less over her feelings and worry more over having healthy food available while having little to no junk food on hand.
Hello P2 on (and Leslie),
P2 on: In your eagerness to criticize Leslie’s parenting abilities, you missed something important in Leslie’s comments. If her daughter is hiding stockpiling food in her room and eating secretively at night, she is well on her way to developing a binge eating disorder or bulimia (if she hasn’t already). Keeping all “junk” food out of the house may help a little, but goldfish and chocolate milk are hardly junk food (if someone is willing to binge on those, they will likely binge on fat free, sugar free yogurt, bananas and whole wheat crackers if that is all that is available to them). If someone is hiding food, “punishments meted out for overeating” will only make things worse. Leslie: please take your daughter for a counseling evaluation as soon as possible. I have struggled with an eating disorder for years and it is horrible (hiding food in my car so I could eat when no one was around, losing so much weight my hair fell out, horrible shame and secrecy- no fun at all). You know what feels better than being “the right size”? Not being controlled by food or shame.
Best of luck
~Apple
I think its important to have good healthy food in the house and not junk food as mentioned but I also think the food and exercise should not be just for the one who is obese. If everyone in the family exercised and ate healthier, it won’t make the child feel like he/she is being punished. The parents need to set the proper example. Healthy eating and exercise is good for everyone whether they are overweight or not. And if once in a while they get to indulge in a non healthy snack that helps relieve the desire and won’t hurt as long as the majority of the time is healthy. But I agree that some who hide food or binge might need counseling to get back on the right track. As a parent I know its very hard to maintain a good balance with kids-to decide if you are saying too much or too little. But I do know that getting angy, belittling or threatening a child will only make it worse.
I’m in total agreement with you Romo. I think it’s wrong to single a child out, and yes, if the family as a whole enjoyed a physical activity together, it just works on so many levels. The focus is then on the activity, the together, and not someone’s weight.
When it comes to snacking… well everything in moderation.
What a power packed paragraph you got going there!
Apple gives some great insight here that should not be overlooked. In replying to Lezlie’s post about binge eating, hiding food, overeating late at night when no one can see–these are very serious behaviors and not just a matter of setting limits and discipline. I have two daughters who suffer from eating disorders that started early. Ten years old is not uncommon now for disordered eating to be evident. And I second Apple’s encouragement to get professional help, now rather than later. It is much easier to help when the child is young and accustomed to parental authority than in the teen years. Trust me on that one. I also have a parental objection to all the emphasis on fat in today’s magazines (and blogs), from the perspective of the eating disordered. It’s important certainly to be healthy, but healthy attitudes toward our food and bodies are apparently hard to regulate when every other headline is about how much weight you can lose in the next three weeks. On one side of a magazine cover a star is accused of having anorexia and on the other side there are photos of cellulite glimpsed on celebrity beaches. What is our standard?
I’d just like to begin by letting you all know that I am sixteen years old, a month away from seventeen. If anyone would like to disregard my opinions due to my young age, absence of parenting skills, etc., that’s up to you. But on the other hand, I am most likely a better source when it comes to teenage weight anxiety. Now that that’s out of the way…
Excuse me if you feel I’m out of place, but P2, would you care to be any ruder? Obviously, Leslie’s (yes, it’s LeSlie, not LeZlie) daughter is not the only one impacted by her strange eating habit. How much clearer, P2, can you send the message, “You’re a horrible parent” without having your post moderated off the blog?
Leslie, I (think I) can relate to what your daughter is feeling. I have been overweight most of my life, never obese, but never the fittest kid in gym class. Like Aunt B’s original post, the doctor began commenting on my weight around age 7 or 8, mostly directed towards my parents, but the message directed toward me was that I was fine, if I stayed at that weight. Well, I never seemed to keep my weight where it was, granted I was the bubbly little school girl whose friends didn’t judge (I only wish things were still like that!) and, who liked to eat. Things changed when I went in for a physical or a regular checkup, I don’t remember which, and my regular doctor had her day off. The other doctor who saw me spotted some brown dots on the back of my neck, which she attributed to being the warning signs of diabetes. I was a kid, for God’s sake, and I hadn’t showered for a day. I didn’t have diabetes, I was just dirty! (I never saw her at the same practice again). Anyway, she ordered an A1C. I was terrified and dreaded the day I would have to get my blood drawn. It might not seem scary for you, just as it doesn’t for me, but as an 11 year old not particularly fond of needles, it can seem mortifying. Even worse, I was scared that the results would condemn me to a life of blood sugar testing and insulin injections. My blood sugar came back a bit on the high side, but still in normal range, so I calmed down a bit, but not all the way. Six years later, I’m heavily involved in marching band, which keeps me involved for four months in the fall. It wasn’t until recently, about a month ago, that I decided I really need to get in shape and lose a few pounds. Since I began dieting and working out, I’ve lost 15 pounds. So, it can be done. Leslie, please don’t feel like you’re a bad parent. I would have done exactly what you did, and I would feel just as you do right now. For goodness sake, there are innumerable amounts of food so much worse for a body than goldfish and chocolate milk! Leslie, maybe I can help you by telling you what I would feel if I were in your daughter’s position, speaking from experience gained not too long ago. Getting reprimanded by a doctor is embarrassing, but getting reprimanded by a parent is worse! If it makes your daughter feel bad that she’s eating, she may find an emotional escape with more food. She may be hiding it because she feels like she’ll get in trouble if she’s caught, or get one of those “looks”. I wouldn’t worry about it TOO much unless the problem gets significantly worse, or you feel her health may be at risk (at all). For a lot of girls, the heat turns on in high school, where your weight and body type can bear so much weight (no pun intended) that it feels like a disability. What made me start working out and eating much less (although I didn’t eat more than normal) was a combination of being heart broken, (though it wasn’t weight-related), wanting to look more like my skinny friends, and just general pressure to fit in.
Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, she will probably eventually long to be like other people her age with nice bodies. I think probably the worst thing to do would be to reprimand her continuously or go crazy on her. If she’s ashamed, don’t push her over the edge. As you are well aware, that can unfortunately lead to the opposite end of the spectrum of eating habits. However, you obviously feel (and you should!) that some sort of action needs to take place.
Leslie, if you’d like me to share more of my personal experiences or feelings, I would love to talk to you. I’m very much into the psychological side of introspection, so I can probably provide you some good advice about how I felt. Experience, along with psychological introspection, is of course always empirical and subjective, but I’ll do the best I can to help you out in any way you’d like me to, or even talk to your daughter via email. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do! Best of luck. And P2, please consider the feelings of Leslie and her daughter as you are so engrossed in criticizing her parenting skills.
Thank you.
-Laura
I’m glad I checked back with this.. I actually forgot that I wrote it.
P2, let me tell you a little more about myself. When I go to the grocery store, I buy ALL ORGANIC stuff. I DO NOT bring junk food in my house. I do not buy anything with high fructose corn syrup, MSG, partially hydrogenated oils, artificial colors/flavors. You name it… if it’s not a natural ingredient, I don’t buy it. You can buy just about any treat out there in an organic state… including goldfish and chocolate milk.
One thing I REFUSE to do is control my 10 year olds diet as if she were a two year old. If I did that, not only would it make it worse, the second she left our house, she would rebel on her own. I am trying to help her in a way that SHE can see that she has control over this. She will have to control it on her own anyway. It would do my no good to control this for her… in fact, it would make things worse. She already knows it’s wrong (hence the hiding). I am taking great measures to make sure that NOBODY in this house singles her out or makes her feel more guilty than she already does.
If I don’t bring it in the house, she will take whatever she can, including yogurt, cereal, crackers and cheese… I have even pulled the 5 lb bag of baking sugar with a tablespoon in it from behind her dresser. I get extemely scared when I pull these things out of her room. Do you suggest I lock up everything in my house and stand over her like the food police? Do you really think that I can tell her “Keep your hands out of the food” and she will listen? I absolutely REFUSE to take the blame on this. If I have done anything wrong it is that I am a little overweight myself and maybe she thinks that’s okay or even wants to be like me – but I don’t want this for her and I don’t want her to go through life with the same feelings I have had. There was nothing my parents could have done to stop me, and that is why I worry – I know this is not something I can control for her.
Things I have talked to her about and I am doing to help her are: trying to get her to keep a journal about her feelings instead of eating, not bringing obvious sugary sweets in the house on a regular basis (and when I do, not putting any restriction on them because I don’t want her to feel that she has to sneak), she goes the gym with me and walks on the treadmill, going on walks around the neighborhood, rewarding her with non-food prized when she does not sneak food in her room (like cute clothes hoping that she will get the connection between binge eating and wanting to look good in cute clothes), ignoring her when she wants to talk about treats she got at school or friends houses, telling her the truth about food and how you become overweight and the effects on your body, trying to not single her out (or let my husband – he can be bad on giving those “looks”) about anything related to food…
Honestly, I don’t know if any of this is working. I want to believe that it’s something she can get control of. I haven’t gone down the counseling road yet, but I would consider it if I can get my husband on board with me (I’m not sure he understands the seriousness of this situation) – I would drive her anywhere and do anything I had to help her.
Laura, thank you for your insight! I don’t care your age, experience is experience and I will take it! It was very helpful and I’m glad to see that you came through it.
My email is gregles12@ubtanet.com
thank you!
I know the heartache of having an obese child. I was put on my first diet in 4th grade by my doctor. What I swore wouldn’t happen to me happens toy son too. And I think also in Leslies daughter… There is a big -huge- control issue.. And probably a host of emotional issues. They all play into eating disorders…sometimes it isn’t full blown bulimia or anorexia, but a very unhealthy food issue. It requires a very careful handling of the situation by Mom, so Leslie, I think your caution about emphasizing the issue is important. But I do think there is probably need for more caution…on how YOU handle it…any attention no matter how you present it will likely be a very sensitive issue with your daughter. Examine how you talk about food in your own conversation. She may have internalized your own issues, or is rebeling your controls- however good hearted you present it…she may naturally have self esteem issues – comparing herself to siblings who are “better” at everything than se feels she is (that was my problem)..
It is a difficult call what to do next so talk to a behavioral specialist yourself first. I had taken my son to a counselor at 10 for anger and “self insulting” behaviors and it actually made him feel worse that ther was something wrong with Jim and that I thought there was something wrong with him…poor kid could
t understand my intentions. What I wish I had done differently is to let him talk, talk talk to me to tell me how he felt and learn and not “counter” him which discounted his feelings.
Bring her into the food planning in a fun way, be sure she is active in something she is good at or getting better at… And seek counseling as a parent first from professionals in eating disorders. Remiss ranch may be able to advise you well. Don’t ignore it, but be cautious how you proceed.
(yes, I am actually 16 as well if my common generation-name didn’t give it away)
I just felt like noting that while some advice may be given more harshly, I would say that people generally speak harshly when they are emotionally attached, so please try to keep that in mind when replying to those who intentionally or unintentionally hurt others.
With that out of the way, I would definitely suggest that professional or even one on one parental help should be used in this type of situation, Leslie… I do not mean to criticize Laura’s response or sound cruel, but I might not go with the (sit back for now and hope it works out) approach… I say this mostly because although Laura found the drive to go ahead and lose weight, others may not find this inner drive. I have, through the years leading to high school, been one of the skinnier kids, and shifted more toward average weight. Over the past couple of months, marching band has not been active (we are just starting up) and I have gained 10 pounds, which all of it I am quite sure is not muscle. While some find the drive they need to go ahead and do whatever they plan to do, some people, like me, struggle with these kind of things. I realize the issue, and feel like exercising more, but am usually wiped out by the time I get home from a long day. If anything, I would definitely say that one piece of advice toward a healthier lifestyle would definitely be group exercise. Although I struggle motivating myself, I scarcely turn down an offer to jog with a friend or family member. I hope that my advice helped.
I have struggled with my weight most of my life (since 3rd grade). I lose it then I gain it back. I am struggling now because now my son is a compulsive eater just like me. I work a lot and we are very busy so we eat out a lot. I realized a while back that this is a spiritual battle for me. Yes I have emotional issues, but most people do as well. I just give in to over indulgence with food. I cannot do this on my own, I need more than will power, and I need God Power. I have started a Bible Study called “Lose It For Life”. They also have a teen version. I love it. I would like to encourage everyone to seek God’s mercy and grace to help guide you through this challenge. There is also a book called “Stop It” by Carole Lewis that is great. I wish the best for everyone; I pray that we can truly surrender this problem to the Lord once and for all. It is just like an Alcoholic going through spiritual counseling, just instead of a drink, I turn to cake. God Bless you all.
Leslie and Laura you guys rock – you tell ‘em!!! P2 – your post should never even have made it to the board – what a ridiculous response! Lesie – I do think it’s time to get some professional help. As a bulemic myself, it did start from how my mother managed my food intake at a young age and comforted/celebrated with food – not that I’m blaming her – I think I was predisposed to it anyway. I just don’t think you’re going to be able to get her healthy without determining the drivers and getting someone who can help her sort out why she turns to food. I went to this article because I fear my nieces are on the same path but can’t butt in. I wish you all the luck in the world – my heart goes out to you.
Hi everyone I am 43 and a mother of tree grown children. 2 girls (both are over weight) my youngest has battled with her weight since giving birth so that doesn’t really count. Bt my oldest daughter has had a food addiction since I can remember (like 2yrs old) I’d take food from her when she’d sneak it. I’ve caught her in the cupboards in the middle of the night at like 7 and 8 yrs old. She’d eat meals do fast so she could have seconds, I’d tell her hay slow down there’s plenty no one is going Hungary, it didn’t work. I’ve never been real active, I was the kid at the doctors also in the 75 percentile of hwp, charts, and my sister was the model. I am almost hwp now but my weight can fluctuate from ideal to 30 lbs over weight. There are underlying reasons I think for weight gain/loss. I don’t have the answers but today I am more concerned about being comfortable, and not grunting to tie my shoes. It goes without saying that it’s harder for a heavy girl in school. The Boys, Cheerleading, proms cute Clothes, all these things are easier for thin girls. (And why do they stop making the cute clothes at size 9 or 11?)(What message is that sending)? I too think p2 needs to shut it down! You have to give your kids alternatives to the junk food for sure, but to lock up the fridge and create more shame is ridiculous. I agree with the family exercise. I found bicycles riding and that’s how I lost my weight. It’s fun if you take the time to watch the birds and butterflies and enjoy whatever eye candy is out and about. I don’t think everyone does well with the routine exercise. I know that sometimes the more I say I’m going to start this regiment the more I’d fail. Sometimes I’d just take a nap instead. Talk to her support her and try to find the underlining cause, and ask questions about someone taking advantage of her too. That’s when I started to gain the most weight. It’s too bad that the very thing tat keeps alive also kills us too. Emphasize that life with insulin dependency or other health problems come with too much food intake. Reward your kids with QUALITY time, LOVE, and ACCEPTANCE. That’s the ticket. It’s not the “body type” that is concerning everyone it’s the HEALTH, EMOTIONAL AND SELF WORTH ISSES that go with it. Good luck and pay no attention to that p2 chicks advice. It’s not very supportive, esteem building or compassionate either. Let your daughter know she’s worth a million bucks even if she never gets THIN. And ask questions about someone taking advantage of her too. That’s when I started to gain the most weight. Good luck. C.W