Setting boundaries
Brenda,
I have a friend who wants to be a boyfriend. Even though I’ve said I don’t want a relationship, he spends all of his time with me and helps me with a lot of things un-asked, so then I feel like I “owe” him.
I have been sober for less than a year and a half and I’m anxious for alone time. I have discussed it with him on numerous occasions but he seems to forget that I feel like I prefer a goodly amount of it.
If he comes over early in the day, he’s here for the duration up until I say I want to go to bed. I feel like I repeat myself over and over about my need to be alone and he doesn’t hear me.
I don’t want to be mean but I don’t want to be sick either. I get anxious and stressed when I feel like he is here too long but if he’s been “helping” me all day at the house, I feel like a heel asking him to leave.
Sometimes I feel like he does a lot of things just so I WILL feel that way. Is it silly of me to read that into the things he does?
- I don’t want to Be Mean
Dear I-Don’t-want-to-Be-Mean,
No, it’s not silly, your feelings are telling you to set a boundary with this person, sooner rather than later. You deserve to be heard and respected and you have the right to demand that respect, and that’s not being mean or manipulative, it’s called loving yourself.
Setting boundaries means communicating directly and honestly about the things you value, your emotions or your physical space. When you don’t do this, you can feel anxious, stressed, burdened, depressed or angry.
Setting a boundary goes like this:
When you come over and stay all day, it makes me feel anxious and stressed, because I’ve told you that I don’t want a relationship and that I need alone time.
I feel frustrated when you ignore my requests
I want you to know that I don’t want a relationship right now and I don’t want you to come over and stay all day.
When you establish a boundary expect people to leave or push back in order find out if you are serious. Hold your ground.
This is how you become your own best friend.
- Brenda
Email me at AuntB@MamasHealth.com
Dear I don’t want to be mean,
While I may be male and not have a true understanding of how you feel about the situation, I can speak from the experience of watching a close friend of mine go through the same thing. Much like you she had a “friend” who would often impose on her for days at a time. He would often do favors and give her presents, which just as you explained gave her a feeling of owing him one.
The sad thing is this is exactly what he was after. He was playing on her unwillingness to “be mean” and accept his favors and gifts. In fact this behavior came to a point where he started to attempt to get her to perform sexual favors. It was at this point me and several of my friends stepped in and told him to leave her alone. While he responded with a great deal of anger at first, he did get the point.
While this is hopefully more of an extreme case than you are currently experiencing, the important lesson here is that sometimes you have to “be mean” and let people know where your boundaries are. To many people (both men and women) use peoples unwillingness to set firm boundaries to, in very plain language, victimize them.
My advice would be to follow AuntB’s suggestion and tell him exactly where your boundaries are. If he still refuses to get the point call the police. A visit from them will probably get him to understand.
In closing, I want to say that I can’t help but feel a little frightened for you. While I am not a big fan of saying this, your friend to some degree is acting very much like a stalker. if you don’t deal with this soon, it could become much more than a “I don’t want to be mean” problem.
I do wish you the best of luck and applaud your bravery in bringing your issue up.
Ric