I rather die as to go on. time over.
to try ? again again and again nope…..been there done that 100000000 times

We confronted him twice already about this issue, yet he kept denying it. He loves my Mom and our family, and we do love him too, so we forgave him. And he promised my Mom to never more communicate with that evil woman. Btw, she cheated on her husband twice now.

Yet, just recently, my sister saw that my Dad called the woman and again, and my sister even saw my Dad’s phone when the woman was calling! Again, my sister confronted him about it and he got mad at her for making an issue out of it again….as if it was my sister’s fault that he got found out again!

This time, my Mom and I decided not to say a word about it. It has been a week since that incident, and my Dad hasn’t even called my Mom yet to explain or whatsoever. It breaks my heart to see my Mom’s pain and anguish I really don’t know what to do or how to help her, I only know that God is able to bring out beauty from the ashes.

I have never cheated on my wife, and don’t plan to start now. However, I can admit to having flirtatious conversations with other woman at work, or out and enjoying the attention that they paid to me. I could see where it could easily have gotten out of hand had I not had the fortitude to control myself. My wife doesn’t look at me like that any longer. Quite frankly, she is not the woman I married. She thinks that she is, but never really cares to find out what I think. After 20+ years, she has pretty much taken me for granted. She treats outsiders with the greatest kindness and consideration. She then comes home and dumps all of her anxiety, fears, guilt, anger and frustrations on me. She assumes that it is my job as her husband to be her therapist. I don’t mean that she tells me what a bad day she has had. I mean that she just dumps her anger about everything to make herself feel better. People always tell me what a wonderful person my wife is and I believe she also thinks of herself that way. She has no clue how differently she treats me, even though I have told her. She doesn’t know anything about the person that I see on a daily basis.
So, imagine that I deal with that every day, then one day I am out somewhere and an attractive woman starts paying attention to me in ways that have long since been forgotten by my wife. Things could go wrong in a hurry. Everyone has a different ‘breaking point’. True, if I gave in to it, it would be my fault. I would be the cheater. Yet, could it have been avoided if the relationship I had was better?
It is important to understand that what may seem like a wonderful relationship to one person, may not be a view shared by the other. I don’t say this to justify the cheating, because I don’t think it is right. I say it to demonstrate that some of these situations could be corrected, or prevented with better understanding and hard work from both sides. There are a lot of factors that go into someone’s final decision to cheat and there isn’t any one answer to fix them all. Sometimes it is a complete lack of morals (are you reading this Heather?). Sometimes it is just a bad mistake at a bad time, when things were at their worst. The mistake may be corrected, with a lot of hard work and understanding. The bad morals is a lost cause. Move on.

Marriage is hard work. Many people have told us this, but few of us really understand what that means, especially when fiorst starting out. I believe that men and woman get married for completely different reasons. We both look at the relationship through our own eyes and don’t really see the forest through the trees. Both sides need to work hard to do whatever they can for the other person in the relationship (and that doesn’t mean driving them to swingers clubs). If only one side is working hard at it, then it will NEVER work. Just don’t ever assume that you are the one that is doing all the hard work.

This applies as much, if not more to the people that don’t have (or know of) cheating spouses as to the ones who do.

When my ex was in the affair that actually ended our marriage, I would not have known about it except she came down with a bad infection that was a form of an STD. She told he doctor that she got it from me and the doctor insisted that I be treated also. My ex made a very big point about how I needed to be treated for the STD that I had given her. Well, I don’t know if it was a case of her thinking if she believed something hard enough it would be true, or what. But in fact, I did not lose my cool over the accusation — I stayed cool and went and got professional advice. The advice was to hire a private investigator. Of course, within three days the investigator had the facts…she was cheating on me with a co-worker, and doing it very stupidly. The investigator stayed on the case for another week and compiled an entire notebook of evidence (photos, etc).

Then when I confronted her, of course she went ballistic, accusing me of (a) spying on her, (b) of cheating myself, and (c) of being such a poor husband that I forced her to have the affair. I simply did not want to be in the marriage anymore, but we had a child and I was worried about him. But I worried for nothing — the divorce was the best thing that ever happened for the child and for me.

Although I lived in a no-fault state, the evidence that the investigator compiled was more than sufficient for the court to decide I was the more stable parent, and so I was awarded physical custody of our child. (He saw his mother a lot.) In addition, as a result of putting the pressure of the failed marriage behind me, my career blossomed and I received a major promotion that resulted in a huge difference in the standard of living I could provide for my child. Finally, three years after the divorce was finalized I met the most perfect woman, truly the life partner I had prayed for. We have now been married for 13 exceptionally happy and fulfilling years. Our communication is fantastic, partly because I have learned from the unfortunate lessons of my first marriage.

Best of all, my son is now in a graduate program at a major Florida university and is serving as an intern for a Fortune 500 investment banking firm. He has a very bright future ahead of him and he maintains a very close and loving relationship with his mother, as well as with me and my wife. The divorce did not hurt him at all, from what I can tell, and may have helped him.

My whole point is to tell you that had my ex not cheated on me and had I not taken the aggressive role to find out about it, I might very well still be in that terrible marriage with that faithless partner. Instead, as a result of her affair, I was forced to take action, and that action saved the rest of my life. Maybe you might think it is unfortunate that it took her affair to wake me out of my slumber, but I am not second-guessing—-I’m continuing to move forward with my life, and I’m thankful everyday for my current marriage and for the love of my wife and my son.

If you are angry or frustrated or trapped because of a faithless spouse, then perhaps you don’t have a real marriage either. Consider using the affair as a catalyst for moving on, moving forward, saving the rest of your life. I did, and I am glad I did. As crazy as this sounds, the man who had an affair with my ex did me the best favor I have ever received!!

For those criticizing the women who are singling out men, try to understand where they are coming from–they are hurt and vulnerable. I had a tough time for a while trying to believe that any woman could be faithful, which logically I knew was a stupid, stupid thing to believe but I couldn’t help it. It’s a lot to expect of someone who has been emotionally crushed and betrayed to be understanding. They’ll get there eventually (and kudos to Taz, your response was patient and understanding).

RK–cheating is bad because it is cheating, it is breaking a bond you have with someone, a trust. An open or poly relationship is different, as you are not actually cheating by having sex with someone else. And, just like a monogamous relationship, they aren’t for everyone. At the end of the day whatever makes people happy is what they should do, but not at the expense of other people (i.e., do as thou will, just make sure anyone it could effect knows and is ok with their place in what you’re doing).

For the record, I have been in several relationships. I have never cheated on anyone. That was the only time I was cheated on. And before that, I had once been the “other guy” (the girl wasn’t married, not that that makes it a ton better, but still). I’ve seen or been involved in a lot of sides of this issue. I don’t know if I would forgive again, but I do know I’m glad I did then.

Hope this helps, and good luck to any of you going through this right now. Stay or leave, just make sure you do it because it is what is best for you.

Folks, I am telling you all this because I was the last person on this earth to ever think my husband would do something like this. We have been Christians for years and years and he was a deacon in our church. He was the most mild mannered, calm, quiet, sweetest man there ever was. I thought I had my knight in shining armour. The divorce has just been finalized, 3 1/2 years after it all began. I have found a new home and have a good job, but the reality is that even after all this, I miss him terribly and still love him very much, but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. So far we have had no contact with each other. I know what the Bible says about divorce, but I don’t believe the Lord wants us, male or female, to live under such conditions of abuse. I feel very lonely, sad, angry, betrayed and hurt beyond measure. I hate living alone and sometimes during my crying spells wonder if I did the right thing by leaving and filing for divorce. The pain just seems unbearable at times. I know I will have to be near my ex during holidays, birthdays, ect. Will I ever feel comfortable around him or will I always be scared of him and totally broken hearted? I am trying to learn forgiveness as God demands us to do, but boy is that hard-the mind just won’t let it go. Is it possible to completely forgive and forget the horror of this horrible situation? Could someone give me some thoughts if I did the right thing and will forgiveness ever come? Thank you !
9-1-2010