And What If They Are Cheating Pt. 2
The phone call confirmed something I didn’t want to know. He was having an affair.
Do you remember the movie “The Sixth Sense?” One of the final scenes is in flashback, and the director shows a series of moments, which should have been clues in guessing the outcome. When I saw this movie, the whole theatre had an audible ‘a-ha’ moment. After I sat the phone down, I watched the moments play back in my mind and felt a series of overwhelming emotions. I thought, how could I’ve been so naïve?
I felt jealous, betrayed, shamed, angry and so much more. I called him in a rage.
Wrong.
Even though it is healthy to have and express those emotions, don’t confront your partner in that state. You have the element of surprise on your side. Get angry somewhere else, vent with a trusted friend. You need to take a moment to reflect on what you want. For the best possible outcome you have to play your hand wisely. I can’t say this enough, know what you want. Do you want to continue? Are you ready to walk away? Do you have somewhere to go? Can you survive financially?
In a calm matter present your evidence.
Allow you spouse/partner to speak without interruption.
Don’t allow them to make you explain their behavior, often referred to as the Jedi Mind Trick.
If there is any abuse or violence you need to leave. Have a place to go.
Be prepared to hear about your faults in the marriage or relationship that might’ve caused the affair.
Remember that you can’t take back words. Choose them carefully.
Don’t look at this as a confrontation. This is an intervention.
This is not the end of the world.
- Aunt B
Cheaters suck! They should be lashed.
Been there and done that a few times. Its amazing how many emotions can run through your body at once! I attempted to repair the relationship, but without trust, forgiveness and fidelity…..You have nothing. I can’t fully restore trust after its been violated. I said I forgave him, but every moment was filled with the thoughts of infidelity, all the lies and an extreme amount of anger, sadness, depression, jealousy and paranoia. I prayed for the strength to let go, and when God gave me the “Go Ahead”, I was gone! Didn’t look back. Out of the darkness and into the Light. Good luck to anyone stuck in this situation. Ladies, pray for deliverance out of a negative situation and into a positive one.
Amen Ms. Kiki!
I drank the kool aid ” for better or for worse.” After the heart ache I put my life on hold and returned to the crime scene to see if I could reconstruct what was my marriage.
Infidelity hits you harder than any spouse can. With all my good intentions and sacrifice to make it work, some men just can’t be faithful.
My heart and my hope goes out to all of you that have had that phone call. I tried everything, I never got angry but I did get even. After five more years in a marriage with countless years of cheating, I wrote a book and I am finally moving on. It is sad that 28 years of my life were spent with someone that actually thought ’til death do us part would be on his terms…
When men cheat they show how weak they are. They lack internal control and are motivated by external stimuli. They are also reverting to childish behavior as in “It is my right to be happy and a sense of rebellion by not respecting boundaries” it is not abnormal for men to glance a younger women but to engage in an intimate relationship is just plain stupid. A relationship based on sex is doomed before 18 months. There are only so many chemicals in the body to sustain this sort of interaction.
I like “Infidelity hits you harder than any spouse can.” So true Nancy. I have perfect recall of that phone call, the room I was in, the emotions that ran through me. Was your book your way of getting even?
My husband has cheated on me many times I have caught him more than a few I have left tape recorders in the car, bedroom, spied on him out right asked the women they always deny it unless they want you to leave and are ready to let go, usually it is only a sex thing, we have great sex but he likes to be the centre of attention, he flirts and is very good at it, he eventually gets what he wants, when he sets his eyes on a girl no matter how good she is he gets her he goes after all my friends and eventually gets them I have no friends, we go to a swingers club as he says he wants different sex he contacts these women on the side they go for it he always dumps them and has hurt many people he always begs me to stay and I stay as I have no friends or family to go back on i really don t know why he does it as I have never said no to sex and bring him to a swingers club once a month where he gets sex with beautiful women half his age he is always on the make and not over choosy with the women either I am a beautiful woman why do I stay with him
Understand the pain. I hate to say that there are women who do the same. It is devastating. Took me about three months to breath after wifey did it. Still don’t understand.
We are human and we sometimes fail. Our failings do not mean we are failures, rather it is an indication of something else, a need that has been unmet. We grow when we recognize that.
I’ve read several of these pages and the question that comes to mind is why would you put up with that behavior from a man? I realize that financial situations may keep you tied to an environment but if you think about it there is help out there. There is help out of the situation. If you and/or children are in a situation where this sort of (and I don’t use this term lightly) abuse occurs, then no one is in a healthy situation including the person who continues to cheat. There is indeed a greater problem underneath that needs attending to and as soon as possible. In the meantime there should not be any need for the party who is being abused to continue to be. The question of loneliness comes to mind. However lonely you might be in the beginning will fade. The question of counseling in the meantime comes to mind and is out there even in the most crucial circumstances. I’ve been in the cheating situation and I will never go again. When you realize what you’ve gotten yourself out of you’ll thank yourself over and over again not just because you had the dignity of self in the moment but because it will indeed teach you what red flags to look for in the future. I wish everyone in this awful circumstance a better year and I wish all of you the power of dignity.
I see all these women piling on the men here. It’s funny how the subtlety of this story has escaped them. The story teller’s husband is cheating with another man’s wife. That means that a married woman is also cheating! What do you all have to say about that?
I see that several women are dissing the guys here and I won’t defend a cheating spouse. I happen to be on the other end. In the story the wife is confronted with the affair. I walked in on mine. I am the other guy that most have glazed over. I have 4 kids to think about and a spouse I can’t trust. For the Wig, Serena, and the other ladies who have such a negative view on men, you all need to look at the other side. The mess when a woman cheats and the hurt it does to kids. You all have been quick to bash the guy but not one of you talk about the other partner in the affair, the woman.
Well another thing to consider is the fact that even though your spouse/significant other cheats, does not mean that they will not change. My now husband cheated on me while we were dating. That was 7 years ago. Just one moment of weakness that changed our whole relationship. Did it hurt? Yes. Did I have trouble forgiving him? For a while. Am I afraid that he will do it again? NO. We have now been married for almost 2 years, and there is not a single doubt in my mind that he would never do it again. I trust him with my whole heart. People change and boys do turn into men eventually. They are like babies, all of them have a different age at which they develop certain attributes.
I do however agree with the guys on this one. WOMEN CAN BE JUST AS UNFAITHFUL AND DECEITFUL AS MEN if not WORSE!!! I myself have never been unfaithful because I know the hurt it caused me and would never wish that on anyone no matter the circumstance. Women however, tend to get away with it more easily because just as proved in the comments above, the men are the ones that are bashed and take the blame for it. Barely anyone will rant on how the woman was wrong too. Both are to blame because both were involved in the cheating. Who’s to say that she didn’t seduce him not the other way around!?!
god, your stories are so so so sad
heater, you can have a life on your own any time ! it’s not about you, it’s about him ! countless beautiful women are being cheated , look at the tiger woods case, his wife looks like barbie ! so, the looks aren’t the matter ! it’s the other woman’s availability ! i will write more about this later 
we all are attention and love sponges, but some take it way too far !
Why is cheating bad? I mean, leaving out the obvious physical problems of diseases/pregnancy. Having sex with someone other than your partner is no fault of your partners – sex is just sex. If you can multiple close emotional contacts, why not multiple sexual ones? I believe the focus on monogamy in our culture is what actually causes the problems – we believe we should monopolize the sexual rights to our partner, but other cultures do not have this hang up.
So, as long as your partner loves you, what is wrong with having sex elsewhere?
there are going to be tough times in all relationships. this is when we have to look at the investment we have in it, children, a home, inlaws we love deeply, and time and history with the spouse. are we more angry than hurt because we have been played a fool? i was in my current marriage for 12 years with a young child when i discovered my spouse had been carrying on a relationship for 2 years. how much had happened? how many times had it happened? how much did this other person mean to them? all kinds of emotions and questions had entered my mind and heart. taking a step back and looking at my relationship i truly wondered what had occurred to cause such a thing to happen. i dont know what caused it to happen but i do know i knew what i wanted when i entered my relationship. i wanted to grow old with this person and watch our grandchildren open christmas gifts together along with all the other sappy stuff. i made a commitment to my spouse to stay with them till death do us part, yeah i wanted to kill them but i knew this wasnt an option. five years later i am still married and thankful for it. it may have changed our marriage but i would not change my decision if i could go back. if this has happened to you youre going to have to look at the big picture. decide if you want to take the time to work through it. you may never forget or forgive but you can work through it and rebuild what you once had. 17 years after my vowes i am thankful i entered into this marriage. an answer to maybe one question you have, i am the husband and i have called the other spouse. how did it affect their relationship? they are also still married. i guess she felt she also had an investment worth saving. so when you start blaming one or the other sex just remember it takes two to cheat and the other probably knows about the realtionship.
if this has happened or is happening to you, give the other spouse a little consideration, use some tact and let them know you are just as hurt, but let them know what is happening.
Heather, why ARE you staying with him? If he cheats on you constantly, makes you feel bad about yourself, makes you go to swingers clubs (your post makes it seem like that isn’t something that you like or that turns you on) why in the world don’t you leave him? You say you have no friends or family to turn back on. This guy sounds like a textbook emotional abuser. Likely he has, over the course of the relationship, caused you to drift away from your friends and your support system so you would be forced to rely exclusively on him. He says he loves you but he doesn’t. Someone who loves you respects you and wouldn’t hurt you for the world. This guy hurts you constantly. You need to get out of the situation. It will be hard, I won’t lie, but you will be happy in the long run. By allowing him to abuse you, you’re abusing yourself. You say you are beautiful, you can get another guy. You don’t need this loser.
Regardless of how other cultures express themselves sexually any relationship is a series of agreements & choices between 2 (or more) people. Choosing – and it is always a choice – to act outside the All agreement without mutual consent is cheating, betrayal & a break of trust. I put it to anyone who chooses to have an affair to be man or woman enough to declare their intentions to their partner first. Then you can have sex with whoever you want as long as you are courageous enough to accept what that might mean for your current relationship. Who knows, your partner might be totally into it if you are honest with yourself & them. Some people find that level of disclosure totally hot. At any rate, relationship agreements are always open for negotiation. I dare some people to try it – you might get everthing you ever wanted. The alternative to being honest & mature like this is to be an undignified liar & cheater who is an emotional coward. Now that’s just boring and ugly. No one with self-respect would want to have sex with that kind of spineless jellyfish. Unless it’s another spineless jellyfish who sleeps with other people’s partners.
i’ve been through the samething even though i am a young female. i have learned from my own anger. i been to the point or running but no where to run to and its hard. but if i may ask this question, what makes a man or woman think they can cheat on there spouse without beening caught, what gose through there mind?
I totally agree with everything everyone has said. Cheater’s can be very heartless. Can anyone give me advice in this situation I am in. I have been with my spouse for the past 4 years. Three years in and I find out that he is on a lot of internet dating sites and constantly chats sexually with woman. He even invited one of his ex’s over while he is at work and I found one of the messages that she left him that accused him of being an infidel because he tried to sleep with her. I confronted him about it and gave him a chance. I told him that if he started again I would leave. I did end up leaving for about a month and a half. I came back because he apologized on his knees crying and promised he wouldn’t do it again. There is just one problem he has started making profiles on internet dating sites and I fear that his ex is still coming over. I literally do not want to go to work for the fear of him cheating on me is ever present. I trust him as far as I can throw him ….. which isn’t very far. I love him and his daughter and I am finding it very hard. When I had confronted him (which I did at least 3 times in the past) his answer always was that it was just talk. What would you guys do? What should I do?
Dear Lady,
Leave him.
Your spouse is supposed to be the one person you can trust more than any other person on this planet. They are supposed to have your back in life or death situations. If they cheat on you, there is never going to be 100% trust again. Once an animal has tasted human flesh, it can never be trusted to not attack a person again. Same goes for a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
VB,
I hear a lot of this and even might have spouted it at one time or another. However, some marriages can and do survive an affair. I just don’t believe the all or nothing rule.
I am going through this exact thing right now. After 16 years of marriage, 4 kids, I have a nerve disease, I lost my nephew to murder about 1 year ago. He said “I left him out”. so he had a 2 week afair, so he says. I am having a really hard time looking at thim the way I did before. It’s an intense pain that doesn’t seem to go away. Before I had complete trust in him. Now, it’s completely gone. I’m at the point right now that I don’t know what I’m going to do. Is it even worth it anymore?
Dear RR.
Yes it’s worth it. His response was honest. Please hear him. 16 years is a lot throw away for a two-week fling.
Forgive, fold him back into your life, communicate about what you are going to need around trust and and move on. If this were an ongoing thine, I’d be giving you totally different advice.
Yes I said it. Move on.
Brenda
I pledge to never use or keep plastic bags again. i will only use reusable bags.
- Robin F.
My husband cheated on me about 2 years into our marriage. I was angry and stupid in my response. Luckily we where able to work through our issues. We’ve been married for 10 years now. I can tell you that the trust can come back, but it does require a leap of faith. I am in no way saying that it doesn’t hurt, because it hurts like crazy! I am saying that it can be worked through and forgiven, it takes time, work and honesty from both people. You have to be prepared to hear things you don’t want to, and so does your partner, both people have to change. I could go on and on but I should stop.
All.. Several thoughts. I am a firm believer that God destined one man and one woman.. but in our human weakness, we screwed it up. The emotions and intimacy that are to take pace between a man and woman are supposed to be above any other earthly relationship.
I was married i the military and found my first wife was involved with a single guy i had invited over for thanksgiving from the base. then she accused me of carrying on with a woman whom i had been friends with for many years, and was in another state. She divorced me and .. well, after five different marriages she has gone through, i only talked with her at our sons marriage, and only briefly. The other woman and i maintained a distant friendship on and off for many years. I was remarried a few years later and worked hard to grow through some issues of my own, and tried to change to be a good dad and husband. mind you, my wife was a stay at home mom, very talented and bright, but we chose for her to raise the kids, and i brought home the income. Later in our marriage, i developed cancer. Not an excuse, cancer. If anyone has ever looked down the barrel of a gun, that’s the one. You make choices and decisions based on a new paradigm, and after 20 years, (more dispassionate years, sort of “getting along” for the commitment), i became involved with another woman. It was actually on the trip i took to say goodbye to friends and family. Sort of the “farewell tour”.
This could get much longer… Ill try to get to the point…
I am not a philanderer. I believe in the value of commitment., Our culture has devalued so much, and i feel cheap when i think of what i’ve done (my wife) (we are married but i filed for divorce) says she wants me to come back. I am not satisfied in being the only one who has to change, and she has a type “A” personality and is controlling to boot. I married the wrong woman.. Twice…
No, I don’t feel good about it. I feel i married the wrong woman, and even that the cancer is a manifestation of the wrong in our relationship. I am sorry for the hurt that this has caused in so many lives, and i wish things could be undone, and there were such a thing as do-overs and we knew more then than we did but we cannot go back. dunno what to say more than ive already said.. it hurts so many more ways than we think…
My wife had an affair with my best friend. Not one of her exs. Not a coworker or random stranger. My friend that I actually could talk to! Needless to say I am at a loss. I’d like to think that I can forgive her and try to save our marriage but I can’t get the image out of my head. The betrayal here is just too much for me to take. How do I ever trust her again? I’m afraid to leave and miss out on so much of my kids’ lives. I can hardly look at her and have no desire to be with her sexually. Will my kids notice my disgust? Is it better to have divorced parents or witness the broken relationship day in and day out. I keep going back and forth. Any thoughts or advice.
Been in what I thought was a monogomous five year relationship, had no idea my man was cheating until I had a pelvic exam.I was told I had a nasty infection called trich a cureable std but a std none the less.At first he tried to lie but moments later he confessed to a one night stand. We have always had a trusting relationship until he ruined it. I love him and he had always shown me he loves me, If it wasnt for the exam I would have never known.This is very hurtful so the question is do I forgive and try to forget and always practice safe sex or should I stay in a relationship who was a selfish liar and cheater.Should I end it while Im hurting and get it over with or do I stay and hope he doesnt do this to me again he said he wont but I dont believe him and I want to.
The answer to the question, “How can I trust again?” is very individual, and depends on a lot of factors.
In my case, I found I could not, and I moved on. Someone with children might well feel differently, though.
A very basic question is: “Will I be better or worse off without my spouse?” And also: “Do I want to try to reconcile, or not?
A book I find very helpful for working out our own answers to these questions is:
Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, Ph.D.
http://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm
It addresses issues like flirting, having an emotional affair without physical intimacy, having a sexual affair but not “going all the way”, and also an affair with full intercourse.
If you choose to try reconciling, she offers ways of working on that, to rebuild honesty and trust. There is also a section for how to help yourself heal alone, if your spouse will not work with you, and you go separate ways.
My breakup was decades ago, before this book was written. I wish I’d been able to read it back then, as
I found reading it helpful, even now.
If you are on a tight budget, see if you can get the loan of a copy from your local library – most of them take requests.
I definitely recommend Not”Just Friends” as a helpful resource.
I found myself 4 years ago beginning to see little signs of my husband of 38 years cheating…phone calls from a woman and him hanging up immediately, late from work with lie after lie, lying about every topic we would talk about. As he worked with computers at his work, he becam obsessive with our home computer. He put every internet block on it to keep me from seeing what he was looking at (not like I couldn’t guess). I did find some porn pictures. When I finally had enough of the fighting over the computer and took it out of the house, he told me that I took his life away when the computer left. ???????? To my great suprise one evening after intimacy, he got up and announced that “he was getting out of here somehow”. I was so shocked that I didn’t even respond, just started crying. A couple of weeks later he announced to me that “we would never have sex together again”. Soon after, the abuse started. Verbal abuse first, calling me every name he could think of…obnoxious, sick, stupid idiot, mental, rediculous, etc. He would scream these things to me over and over. He was trying to make me look like I was the mentally ill person to cover his own affair. He even got our own daughter into believing that I was becoming a mentally ill person. Soon both daughters would have nothing to do with me because he was trying to convince them that I was mentally ill and making up all this stuff in my head that was happening. Losing contact with my daughters broke my heart even worse than the abuse from my husband. Next came the physical abuse. On our 40th anniversary, I was pushed down in the basement on the concrete floor and a rib was broken. My husband got in his truck and drove away, leaving me lying on the floor. I drove myself to the doctor’s office. He next began pushing me around knowing I had the broken rib (of which he said I broke my own rib to make him look bad). Police reports were made, but he never stayed in jail. The law is surely not in favor of the woman in abuse cases!!!! Emotional abuse was next, laughing at me when I would say things like Tough Cookies Don’t Crumble, and I won’t crumble no matter what you do to me. He would have a very devilish laugh, one I had never before seen in him. Next he began mentioning that maybe it wasn’t a female he was with – maybe it was a male. He then began hiding something of mine like my car keys making me think that I was so stupid to loose my own keys. He then hid my GPS unit from me, finding it two weeks later in my undrwear drawer. The names he called me for that went on and on trying to make me think I had actually hid it in my own drawer. He then got his mother involved by telling her some awful lies that I had been an adulterous wife for all our lives. She lit into me like a wild beast accusing me of all this bizarre stuff which was obviously fed to her by my husband to try making me look like an even worse person. She even told my grown daughters about these so called affairs. I was also locked in the basement only to be screamed at to “get out of this house” when he finally let me out. He rammed into my car with his truck one day when he couldn’t get out of the garage to speed away in an angry fit of rage. After living through this for three years, I finally left home. I could take no more. A few months later, I filed for divorce. I tried many, many times talking to my husband as to why all this was happening and did he want to get help for ourselves, etc. but no response from him except calling me a rediculous, obnoxious stupid idiot and that I was the one that wanted this divorce, not him.
Folks, I am telling you all this because I was the last person on this earth to ever think my husband would do something like this. We have been Christians for years and years and he was a deacon in our church. He was the most mild mannered, calm, quiet, sweetest man there ever was. I thought I had my knight in shining armour. The divorce has just been finalized, 3 1/2 years after it all began. I have found a new home and have a good job, but the reality is that even after all this, I miss him terribly and still love him very much, but I don’t know if I could ever trust him again. So far we have had no contact with each other. I know what the Bible says about divorce, but I don’t believe the Lord wants us, male or female, to live under such conditions of abuse. I feel very lonely, sad, angry, betrayed and hurt beyond measure. I hate living alone and sometimes during my crying spells wonder if I did the right thing by leaving and filing for divorce. The pain just seems unbearable at times. I know I will have to be near my ex during holidays, birthdays, ect. Will I ever feel comfortable around him or will I always be scared of him and totally broken hearted? I am trying to learn forgiveness as God demands us to do, but boy is that hard-the mind just won’t let it go. Is it possible to completely forgive and forget the horror of this horrible situation? Could someone give me some thoughts if I did the right thing and will forgiveness ever come? Thank you !
9-1-2010
I was cheated on and took the woman in question back; I had known her for 10 years and been with her for two, and had also known that she had cheated on every man she’d been with. I was the only one she ever told, and she told me the morning after it happened, and that is the only reason I (eventually) took her back. We made it work for a long while, I eventually was able to forgive her, and we had a lot of good years before it ended (for completely unrelated reasons). So it can work out for some, but like everything else in life it’s really based on the people involved, the situation, and how much you’re willing to put up with. This woman was (and still is) one of my closest friends, and at the time I was deeply and completely in love with her. And her cheating did not make me doubt how much I knew she loved me. There is a LOT going on in any individual person, cheater or not, and nothing in a relationship is ever remotely that black and white.
For those criticizing the women who are singling out men, try to understand where they are coming from–they are hurt and vulnerable. I had a tough time for a while trying to believe that any woman could be faithful, which logically I knew was a stupid, stupid thing to believe but I couldn’t help it. It’s a lot to expect of someone who has been emotionally crushed and betrayed to be understanding. They’ll get there eventually (and kudos to Taz, your response was patient and understanding).
RK–cheating is bad because it is cheating, it is breaking a bond you have with someone, a trust. An open or poly relationship is different, as you are not actually cheating by having sex with someone else. And, just like a monogamous relationship, they aren’t for everyone. At the end of the day whatever makes people happy is what they should do, but not at the expense of other people (i.e., do as thou will, just make sure anyone it could effect knows and is ok with their place in what you’re doing).
For the record, I have been in several relationships. I have never cheated on anyone. That was the only time I was cheated on. And before that, I had once been the “other guy” (the girl wasn’t married, not that that makes it a ton better, but still). I’ve seen or been involved in a lot of sides of this issue. I don’t know if I would forgive again, but I do know I’m glad I did then.
Hope this helps, and good luck to any of you going through this right now. Stay or leave, just make sure you do it because it is what is best for you.
My ex cheated on me and our marriage ended. This was after we had been married for 19 years. I was clueless, but after the divorce I heard from one of her very close relatives that she had cheated on me earlier during the marriage multiple times.
When my ex was in the affair that actually ended our marriage, I would not have known about it except she came down with a bad infection that was a form of an STD. She told he doctor that she got it from me and the doctor insisted that I be treated also. My ex made a very big point about how I needed to be treated for the STD that I had given her. Well, I don’t know if it was a case of her thinking if she believed something hard enough it would be true, or what. But in fact, I did not lose my cool over the accusation — I stayed cool and went and got professional advice. The advice was to hire a private investigator. Of course, within three days the investigator had the facts…she was cheating on me with a co-worker, and doing it very stupidly. The investigator stayed on the case for another week and compiled an entire notebook of evidence (photos, etc).
Then when I confronted her, of course she went ballistic, accusing me of (a) spying on her, (b) of cheating myself, and (c) of being such a poor husband that I forced her to have the affair. I simply did not want to be in the marriage anymore, but we had a child and I was worried about him. But I worried for nothing — the divorce was the best thing that ever happened for the child and for me.
Although I lived in a no-fault state, the evidence that the investigator compiled was more than sufficient for the court to decide I was the more stable parent, and so I was awarded physical custody of our child. (He saw his mother a lot.) In addition, as a result of putting the pressure of the failed marriage behind me, my career blossomed and I received a major promotion that resulted in a huge difference in the standard of living I could provide for my child. Finally, three years after the divorce was finalized I met the most perfect woman, truly the life partner I had prayed for. We have now been married for 13 exceptionally happy and fulfilling years. Our communication is fantastic, partly because I have learned from the unfortunate lessons of my first marriage.
Best of all, my son is now in a graduate program at a major Florida university and is serving as an intern for a Fortune 500 investment banking firm. He has a very bright future ahead of him and he maintains a very close and loving relationship with his mother, as well as with me and my wife. The divorce did not hurt him at all, from what I can tell, and may have helped him.
My whole point is to tell you that had my ex not cheated on me and had I not taken the aggressive role to find out about it, I might very well still be in that terrible marriage with that faithless partner. Instead, as a result of her affair, I was forced to take action, and that action saved the rest of my life. Maybe you might think it is unfortunate that it took her affair to wake me out of my slumber, but I am not second-guessing—-I’m continuing to move forward with my life, and I’m thankful everyday for my current marriage and for the love of my wife and my son.
If you are angry or frustrated or trapped because of a faithless spouse, then perhaps you don’t have a real marriage either. Consider using the affair as a catalyst for moving on, moving forward, saving the rest of your life. I did, and I am glad I did. As crazy as this sounds, the man who had an affair with my ex did me the best favor I have ever received!!
Anytime a person cheats on their spouse it is an indication of a deeper problem in the relationship. The problem may be solely with the cheater, or it can be a symptom of the physical, emotional, or financial stability in the relationship.. When a person asks, “What should I do?”, it really depends on the situation at the time, the character of the person cheating, and how you truly feel about the relationship.
In the case of Heather, she should have been out of the relationship a long time ago. The man does not love her, he loves that she allows him to do anything that he wants. He will fight hard to keep her, because he knows he may never find another woman crazy enough to let him get away with it.
In the case of the person whose spouse had a moment of weakness when they were sick, you need to decide whether the relationship had signs prior to being sick. If you both had a bad year, maybe it is worth the attempt to fix. There is no one correct answer.
I have never cheated on my wife, and don’t plan to start now. However, I can admit to having flirtatious conversations with other woman at work, or out and enjoying the attention that they paid to me. I could see where it could easily have gotten out of hand had I not had the fortitude to control myself. My wife doesn’t look at me like that any longer. Quite frankly, she is not the woman I married. She thinks that she is, but never really cares to find out what I think. After 20+ years, she has pretty much taken me for granted. She treats outsiders with the greatest kindness and consideration. She then comes home and dumps all of her anxiety, fears, guilt, anger and frustrations on me. She assumes that it is my job as her husband to be her therapist. I don’t mean that she tells me what a bad day she has had. I mean that she just dumps her anger about everything to make herself feel better. People always tell me what a wonderful person my wife is and I believe she also thinks of herself that way. She has no clue how differently she treats me, even though I have told her. She doesn’t know anything about the person that I see on a daily basis.
So, imagine that I deal with that every day, then one day I am out somewhere and an attractive woman starts paying attention to me in ways that have long since been forgotten by my wife. Things could go wrong in a hurry. Everyone has a different ‘breaking point’. True, if I gave in to it, it would be my fault. I would be the cheater. Yet, could it have been avoided if the relationship I had was better?
It is important to understand that what may seem like a wonderful relationship to one person, may not be a view shared by the other. I don’t say this to justify the cheating, because I don’t think it is right. I say it to demonstrate that some of these situations could be corrected, or prevented with better understanding and hard work from both sides. There are a lot of factors that go into someone’s final decision to cheat and there isn’t any one answer to fix them all. Sometimes it is a complete lack of morals (are you reading this Heather?). Sometimes it is just a bad mistake at a bad time, when things were at their worst. The mistake may be corrected, with a lot of hard work and understanding. The bad morals is a lost cause. Move on.
Marriage is hard work. Many people have told us this, but few of us really understand what that means, especially when fiorst starting out. I believe that men and woman get married for completely different reasons. We both look at the relationship through our own eyes and don’t really see the forest through the trees. Both sides need to work hard to do whatever they can for the other person in the relationship (and that doesn’t mean driving them to swingers clubs). If only one side is working hard at it, then it will NEVER work. Just don’t ever assume that you are the one that is doing all the hard work.
This applies as much, if not more to the people that don’t have (or know of) cheating spouses as to the ones who do.
My parents have been married for 32 years, and although my had cheated on my Mom quite a few times earlier on in their marriage, but for him to do it again, and deny it over and over to her, to my siblings and I, is just unthinkable. Several times we have caught him on the phone with his mistress, who in fact is close to both my parents, her and her husband of 10 years. My dad works overseas and so does the evil mistress, while my Mom stays here at home with me. He comes home every year to us.
We confronted him twice already about this issue, yet he kept denying it. He loves my Mom and our family, and we do love him too, so we forgave him. And he promised my Mom to never more communicate with that evil woman. Btw, she cheated on her husband twice now.
Yet, just recently, my sister saw that my Dad called the woman and again, and my sister even saw my Dad’s phone when the woman was calling! Again, my sister confronted him about it and he got mad at her for making an issue out of it again….as if it was my sister’s fault that he got found out again!
This time, my Mom and I decided not to say a word about it. It has been a week since that incident, and my Dad hasn’t even called my Mom yet to explain or whatsoever. It breaks my heart to see my Mom’s pain and anguish
I really don’t know what to do or how to help her, I only know that God is able to bring out beauty from the ashes.
Well, been in this marriage for 26 years, with the most smart so ever guy, you read all the symptoms, you know when he lie, when he just came back from a visit, verbal abuse day after day, but the best he do he discredit me in front of my kids. Blame me for the little tiny things and make a big deal out of it. His GOD without any mistakes,
I rather die as to go on. time over.
to try ? again again and again nope…..been there done that 100000000 times
Thank you, Itisntsoeasy. I understand your point and I think you’re right. Although it’s been hard, I’ve come to the decision that I love him and want to be with him, but I don’t want to be married to him.
I found out that my husband was having an affair a year ago with a girl half his age, which is 46 , from work. The relationship had been going on for three years, I found out because he very cleverly bought a cell mobile phone, which was the exact model of his works mobile. With the high level of trust I gave to him he knew if I found it would not even look at it, until this particular morning when he left it by the kettle in the kitchen, while waiting for the kettle to boil something told me to pick up the phone and start to look at his in box. I gasped for air as I read text after text of I love you’s arrangement for meeting at their hotel, meals out, thank you’s for gifts and flowers etc. We have been together for 23 years and married for 17 and we have 2 children. Pain, anger, betrayal, hurt there are not enough words in a dictionary to discribe the way I felt. He begged me to try again and said how stupid he had been and how he knows now he was just acting out a school boy fantasy. On reflection he can see that he had risked loosing the best relationship he will ever have and the love of our children, for the sake of fulfilling his selfish sexual needs and the sense of pride he felt about his ability to attract and keep a girl of her age. He justified it in his mind at the time, with various excuses like I didnt really want him. He also felt our sex life was boring and all I cared about was our children, my friends and my problems at work.
,So why am I still with him, because I don’t trust my feelings right now, yes I know it sounds lame but its true, I am a person who always thinks things through and then go by feelings, which usually happens really quickly. But in this instance I cannot seem to come to any clear decision, in which I have to decide what is best for myself the kids and our relationship. My husband has committed to rebuilding my trust of him by letting me know where his going when he leaves the office, takes pictures of the places he has to visit for his work, he sends me emails of meeting which have been requested of the people he has to meet. He brings me visitors passes to the places he has visited. He takes the children to school every morning and comes home at 6.pm every evening. He wrote a letter to my mum, dad and sister to appologise for his behaviour and sends me poems by text most days. He has fixed and bought things for the house which I have always wanted, but had constantly said we could afford it. All in all he is doing every possible thing to make this work. Our sex life improved for a while because I was determined to show him what he was missing. But I still feel hurt and numb inside and so Im stuck in this limbo. I do still love him, and there are days when memories of that feeling of love returns and we have a great family day out or spend quality time together. But I have really terrible mood swings now and he says they are what he is struggling to cope with, because we will have a beautiful day together and then we’ll go to bed and I’ll start with the questions and long discussions about the affair. I would truly appreciate any feedback anyone has about my situation. As you are outside my circle of family and friends who know the two of us, and maybe women who are/or having the same experience I am in.
when a trust has been broken its never easy to build another one.in response to the request put up by anyanswer,I know to err is human and to forgive is divine.I may not have much to say but if you are convinced your husband has really changed,then ask God to help you forgive him,then get the past behind you,forgive him and enjoy your marraige.Just hand your marraige over to God I can guarantee him making it work out for you good.
anyanswers, I feel the exact same way. I totally know what you mean. its been 8 months, and I still can’t let it go. The affair lasted two weeks, but I’m still stuck. I wish I could tell you more, but I’ve been the same way ever since. All I know is that I’m tired of feeling miserable.
Thank you Marshall nwa and RR for your responses. I do believe in god and I have tried occasionaly to ask for his help, and I do feel his love inside of me for a while. But I think my anger gets in the way and I don’t maintain my prayers. However, I will try and pray more. As for RR I can only pray that our feeling of pain and betrayal will leave us before it consumes both our lives. I know you said you could not go into it, but you know something, I have never wrote on any form of chatroom before, but I came across this website and I just started to type. I felt a sense of release when I was writing, hence my long write up. It did help me and having you guys response makes me feel that I am not alone in this and someone impartial took the time out to read and answer me, so I can’t be crazy. So I thank you with all my heart for your reply.
I am concerned being online with a particular Canadian Guy who keeps wanting to exchange more pictures, talking about sexual issues, emails. But I keep getting the notion he is already in a committed relationship and just looking for someone to past some time with or just play me because I am overseas. He is planning to take a trip out to see me in China. As you say, I constantly get a uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and making me feel that all he says to me is too good to be true. I do not want to be the home wrecker but I feel he has a relationship already or has a wife and kids.
Been there done that. Cheaters cheat because they can…the onus is on the person being cheated on to either stay or move on. I moved on and I do have some good days and not so good days. I believe that I am worth more than someone else’s door mat. Things would have been easier though if the people involved were more honest from the beginning. I look back and I see myself so very hurt and nothing anyone would say would make it better. Am thankful now that I could wake up and appreciate the good things about living.
I hate cheaters….I have one sitting in front of me typing away….always pretending that he is doing research for his new paper or whatever….but he usually looks for “teen porn”on the internet….he is 10 years my senior….I think he is a disgusting man…..since his daughter is 24 years old….and to be looking at porn with young people in it is dispeakable….he is a self obsessed …who goggles himself atleast 50 times a day….after just having written one book he thinks he is famous…..the only people who may have read his book are the people whom he gave his book to….he does write well though…..but he is so fake….he wrote about how prisoner abuse is wrong in Iraq….but really he should write a book about how he abuses his wife and kids…how he lies all the time….how he always wants me to put up a “happy family” front in the presence of his bosses etc…I always pray to god to give me the courage to just walk out on my husband for a better life for my kids and me…maybe oneday I will get the courage from god.
As I sit hear reading all of the many different comments my mind goes back to the day that i found out my husband cheated on me. I was devastated, angry and extremely hurt to say the least. I yelled , screamed and lashed out at him because even though I had busted him he still continued to lie. After finally having no choice but to admit that something was going on which he regarded as just a friendship I decided to forgive him and move on because I promised to love, honor, respect etc until do we part.Needless to say it has been 12 years and he is still messing with this same female. At this point in my life I have nothing but anger and hatred towards him and her. She knew about me ad continued to have this affair, I blame both of them and myself for allowing it to go on for so long. My children have lived through this nightmare and are all grown and indivdually harbor anamosity towards their father because of his affair. Like Aunt B said I am now weighing my options of what choices I have in moving on I feel the only way to be free of the anger and hurt is to be free of my husband . I am tired of arguing and the emopty promises that mean nothing I will never be able to trust him because my heart has been broken so many times.Hopefully I will be able to recover from this and trust another man in my future,right now I don’t see that happening any time soon. I also agree that both men and women cheat so I’m not just male bashing I am only speaking about my very own experience.