Comments on: And What If They Are Cheating?

By: cheating partners

cheating partners — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 07:27:16 +0000

Early detection of cheating is very helpful for both partners. It may create a very severe emotional pain or solitude feelings but it is better to discover it earlier to give a chance to regain yourself and to lessen the burden of emotional devastation.

By: jaycarl

jaycarl — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 19:52:27 +0000

after ten years of marriage my wife started treating me like she hated me. I did everything a husband should be doing for his wife and family. after confronting her about it, she told me that is just the way she has become over the years and told me to get over it or leave. She wouldn’t even go to counseling with me. It seems she has forgotten what kind of man she married. I am by no means a push over. I love my kids and wife to death but I cannot be treated this way. eight months ago I left her as a last ditch effort to save my marriage and my kids family. For the first few weeks she didn’t take it seriously. one night after dropping off the kids she ask me “are you seeing anyone yet” of course I wasn’t so I said no. then she said “maybe you should”. this made me feel like my plan backfired and she was the one seeing someone else. since im not the woo-is-me type I did what any man would do in this situation and got on facebook to look up old girlfriends. I hooked up with someone that night, next day I hooked up with someone from my apartment building, few days after that I started dating a woman from my bank. My wife found out about these woman and started treating me with respect, go figure. three months ago she came to my apartment late one night while I had some over and started crying about how much she misses me. I sent my guest home so I could talk to my ex. My ex went on about not being a good wife and said if I will give her a second chance she will give me a life of happiness.

By: Ms. See

Ms. See — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 06:53:28 +0000

I think that there are a lot of cheaters, and people who have trouble communicating as well as people who don’t want to hear their partner’s needs. Many of them have all of these characteristics. Many people cheat for reasons they are unaware of. I believe most of it is deeply rooted; low self-esteem, malestation, abuse (not just physical), etc. Often times the victim can be a great wife or husband and try their best to please their spouse and the spouse still cheat.

I believe that before two people get married they are well aware of what they are getting themselves into be it good or bad. Everyone has a conscious and it will not lead you wrong. Some people choose to ignore the feeling they are having in their gut and then end up suffering the consequences.

Marriages will have its ups and downs and sometimes the partner will cheat, but not all of the time should we walk out. Some things happen to strengthen the couple and the marriage. If we learn to face “life” with a different attitude we can benefit from what it teaches us. “Always” follow your heart. Too many people get caught up on a “feeling” and most of the time our feelings will mess us up. Love is not about a feeling… It is about what’s “best” for us.

By: za

za — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 18:46:24 +0000

Confused wife. I think my husband is cheating. I searched his cell once and I found the disturbing message. I continued finding the messages from the girl expressing her love 4 my husband. I tried to find out who is the owner of that no. My husband phones that no almost every day. Towards me he is still the best. If I hadn’t found those messages I wouldn’t suspect anything. I asked him and he denied swearing that he hasn’t become intimate with anyone. He is a good and respectable man at home n in the community. I’m now confused whether to believe him or not pls help me.

By: Lorissa

Lorissa — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 07:30:02 +0000

I was with a Marine. We had so much potential. Unfortunately, he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I was hospitalized…he was off with someone else. He was gone fulfilling military duties, he got busy with someone.

We did try to work things out. Love always deserves a chance, right? But what I discovered was a side of someone that was too ugly to love. Blame games. Yes, darn me for being hospitalized. How could I have messed up his schedule with my medical issues. Blame games lead into control issues. Surprisingly, on his part, not mine.

Things continued on a downward spiral. I ran away from him. He didn’t know where I was. He asked my brother to report me as kidnapped, in an effort to bring me home. I never came back.

It’s great to seriously think before you leave, but for your safety, and the safety of children or pets, please watch for warning signs. I should have hightailed it the moment he began to control my life. He never hit me, but he was morphing into something I didn’t recognize. Verbal abuse should not be tolerated. A husband or wife is not an overlord. I understand why some people have commented on wanting to install devices to track what their partner is doing. If you feel you need to monitor all your partner does or says, sorry, leave now. You’re just going to push them over the edge, and drive yourself bonkers. A good relationship can’t happen when you’re behaving that way. Yes, they screwed up. They don’t need to be reminded of it every single day. That breeds resentment. That is a destroyer of relationships.

To anyone who worries how much leaving will hurt. Oh it does. It can hurt financially, emotionally, and socially for a long time. But it hurts less every day. And when you find a person that respects you, and can talk with you openly and honestly, all the pain of yesterday seems to be from another lifetime. And don’t be afraid of military marriages. They can work out, but both parties need to be aware of what that lifestyle is going into the marriage. I once believed that all military marriages would end like the one I had with a Marine. Then I look behind me, at the wonderful Airman asleep in our bed, and I know there’s always hope for love…even when it’s an ocean away on a deployment.

By: Itisntsoeasy

Itisntsoeasy — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 13:48:06 +0000

The first thing that should be determined before any marriage (especially a 2nd one) happens is, “what are YOUR expectations”. Each side has a mental list of expectations of how they believe their partner should be during their life together. If the two sides were truly honest in creating their lists of expectations and the lists were to be compared prior to marriage, there would be a very small portion of the lists that would ever actually match. The problem with doing this would be that there is a good possibility there wouldn’t be very many people ever getting married. You would have a better chance of hitting the jackpot lottery than you would finding someone with a list that closely matches yours. Having a list of expectations to compare makes it easier to determine on which items you can compromise, and on which items you could never live with.

One of the biggest problems with marriages is that both sides automatically assume that the other person has the same expectations, or they hide their true expectations for fear that the marriage wouldn’t happen if they told the truth. They align themselves with the others expectations for fear of being alone, thinking that they will just ‘change’ the other after the marriage. Eventually the truth comes out and the marriage dessolves.

If men and woman were truthful about the lists, it would look something like this:

Man – My woman should be:
Attractive
Physically fit
Sexy
Adventurous (as in sexually)
Great Cook
Good Housekeeper
Fun to be with
Understanding
Obedient

Woman – My man should be:
Attractive
Hard working
Great Father
Open
Honest
Considerate
Attentive
Sympathetic
Comforting

Men and woman think so differently, that it amazes me the human race has not yet become extinct. Humans are animals. We like to think of ourselves as the most intelligent of all animals, but we really aren’t. It is true that we have the capability to be the most intelligent, but our most basic animal instincts always get in the way. War, crime, oppression, dishonesty, hate, mental abuse, physical abuse are not signs of a higher intelligence.

For all of those people out there with cheating spouses, it might be therapeutic to find out what is on your partners (truthful) expectation list, and for them to see yours. You both need to be bluntly honest about what you expect from the other in your relationship. Chances are, it won’t match. It won’t point out anything new that you didn’t already figure out bu now. However, it may help you greatly in your approach to the next relationship.

Then again, what do I know…Good luck with the lottery!

By: Audrey

Audrey — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 06:05:12 +0000

Being a 45yr old woman, married twice, cheated on both times……..I hate to admit this but have to agree with “itisntsoeasy.” My first marriage which lasted 11 yrs, I let myself go physically due to sheer exhaustion of raising 2 boys, working full time and still unable to make ends meet. However, my second marriage I was determined not to make the same mistakes. Still, it didn’t matter. Both were “good” men with supposedly high morals whom everyone loved because they were such “good ol’ boys.” Although I made sure I kept myself up, centered my life around him, loved him like I’d never loved anyone before and gave him my full trust, it didn’t matter in the end. Men are pigs. The only way to keep them happy is never to expect much from them emotionally, but be patient, forgiving, and understanding when they’re going though a crisis……….even if they’re one of the “good” ones, I don’t think men are equipped to be faithful…….not unless you can remain a sex goddess 24/7 and can always make him feel as if you’re a challange. IMHO, it’s too exhausting and impossible to achieve unless you’re extremely forgiving and have force yourself to have amnesia when your trust has been shattered.
I’m sure I sound bitter, but I’m actually not. Just resigned to the fact that there’s no such thing as perfect life long soulmate….at least not the kind I’d hung my hopes on since I was a little girl. Relationships take work. HARD work. CONSTANT work. No time off, no time to relax. Both have to be committed or the resentment will build. Sounds bleak, huh?
Well, now for the good part. I’m not against love, relationships, marriage and/or commitment but feel the way to a successful relationship is to accept change. I’ve had many friends over the years and have drifted apart. I never had the desire to slit my wrists over that fact. Doesn’t make them any less special. They were people who came into our lives at the perfect time, but it was time to move on. Same might hold true for spouses as well. As the famous country song goes, “No when to hold ‘um, no when to walk away.” Love changes. Don’t fear it. Change with it and if that’s not possible, have a back-up plan to ensure you’ll be financially secure so you can leave without as much fear. Your perceptions of how you look at your life is your key to happiness and the only real way to keep it.
For those of you whose lives are miserable because of a failed love….change your perceptions and look at it from a different viewpoint. Get help. Realize you couldn’t hold on to them because you have no control over them and never did, only yourself. Stop wallowing in self pity. It’s doing no good and only reinforces to the cheater in your life that they were right to leave you. No one admires the weak . Try starting a new chapter and get excited about it! The only other choice is to lay down and die. Grow or die, there’s no inbetween. Your spouse cheated? Shame on them for throwing away something that could have been rare and special. Stay depressed and afraid for the rest of your life? Shame on you. Do what ever you have to do to get your self esteem back. Why? Because you don’t get what you want in life, you only get what you think you deserve!!!!!!!!!!!! Before you run off and make another mistake with another partner, get your self esteem back or you’ll be in for another round of misery, guaranteed!
For those of you who are cheating on their spouses now, please listen carefully because I know what I’m talking about here. YOU CAN’T BUILD HAPPINESS WHEN IT’S BASED ON THE MISERY OF OTHERS!! That kind of love is built on self centeredness and isn’t strong enough to last.
For those you who’ve been cheated on? Have patience because the love they think they found in someone else’s backyard won’t last because it was built on pain and the broken hearts of those they so carelessly tossed aside out of selfishness. All you have to do is sit back and wait. Might take a while, but everyone I’ve given this advice to has thanked me for it. Your best revenge is building your own happiness without them. Believe me, somehow/some way, they’ll see what you’ve made of yourself……ok, I’ll admit, it may be anti-climatic since by then you could care less what they think of you, but it’s a good motivator to start changing yourself for the better now!
It’s sad to see so much pain out there. I wish all of you the strength to find the happiness within yourself. Wish I could give you a step by step plan on how to do that, but a good way to start to do something different with your day, even if it’s taking a different route to work. Nothing can happen until you take that first step. I’m not going to lie, it aint easy………but I can guarantee you this….. Living with a cheater is WAY harder than starting over. You just have to get over the fear of the unknown. I’ve never once met someone who left an abuser and/or cheater and wished they’d stayed. In a nutshell, get your head out of your a**. There’s a great big world out there. If you’re lonely, get out and find people. There are lonely people everywhere you look who would love to meet you. Turn yourself into someone who you’d want to be with instead of trying to find someone to cater to your fears. I’m sure there’s someone out there where this advise may not pertain. However, if that’s the case, I’d sure love to meet you because you’d be one in a million. Good luck and take care.

By: Itisntsoeasy

Itisntsoeasy — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 22:04:51 +0000

I have been married for 22 years and I am not very happy at all. I will never cheat on my wife because it wouldn’t be fair to her to do that. Besides, I would just be getting into another bad relationship with a different woman.
Men want to live the rest of their lives with the woman they dated and fell in love with. You know, the one that wears tight clothes and sits and watches sports and will do just about anything for their man. Unfortunately, marraige gets in the way. The words ‘I do’ have this drastic effect on woman that turns them into machines. They forget how to look sexy, or care about their spouses interests, or pay attention to the man at all! Then, when the man leaves them, they lose 30 pounds, fix up their hair, get new sexy clothes and start having new interests to meet other men. Did they ever think that had they done that while married they might not have lost the man they had?
All men are are pigs! Some can control it better than others. It is the truth. Many will publicly deny it, and some may even hide it all very well, but deep down men are pigs. They crave conquest. Sex is often the end result. Sad, but true.

That said, it does not give anyone the right to hurt another by cheating on them. If the spouse is unhappy then get a divorce, move on, and let the other person move on. Just understand that finding a new man may not be any different if the effort used to attract him is discarded once you have him. You may want to put that same effort into keeping the one that you have. You have to remember why it was he married you in the first place. Don’t be afraid to ask him to do the things he used to do to make your relationship special.

I can’t really speak to everyone’s situation as I said that some knuckle-dragging men have less control over their primeval urges than others do. He may never change. If you have been paying attention to him you should know whether your changes would have any effect on him. If try to make yourself as attractive to him as when you were dating, and he doesn’t change, or isn’t willing to change, or continues on cheating, then there is no hope. Leave him.

I could go on, but I’m sure I have angered enough people already…

By: just me

just me — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 12:02:55 +0000

these posts mame me feel like im Not alone. my father cheated ON my mother when i was a kid and it was horrible. my motherjust fell to pieces jnside but tried to keep a strong front. i hatedthe fighting but iguess thatwas berree than the unknown. carolyn jackson’s postreminds meof my mom. same age. keep your heart open and focus ON the good inpeople. i find volunteering at church or anywhere is a way to meet kind people who can help you feel connected.
i felt a lot of shame andhated my father for hurting my mom. thats no way to live.

By: Stuck

Stuck — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 06:09:02 +0000

Hello All,

I might sound a little naive because I sure feel like it. This may be a long story but I will try to keep it short:
I met my b/f a year and some months ago, ended up becoming pregnant a few months later because of precautions we obviously did not take. I found out when I was 3 months pregnant that he had been with his manager RIGHT before me (after much pulling and prying the truth out of him). She’s not the most attractive or nice and he said he was down and out @ the time and ashamed to tell me.
I get that.

Problem is: He is now in rehab for using (and has lied about it our entire relationship and my pregnancy) and I know the addiction has made him lie about money, and drug use but I am wondering if he has been unfaithful to me too…because he lied about the manager, the money, the drugs and I want to learn how to trust him again but I don’t know. Also, got an STD check right when I found out I was pregnant through the state. Clean. After I had my baby girl went back for a follow up, they said I had an abnormal pap. Then found out I have low risk HPV and that I could’ve gotten it @ any time. Now I have like a red bump under the skin..down there…and I looked up & it said Hpv warts can show up 3-8 months after contact. I have a doctors appointment but can’t sleep worrying over this silly b.s What do I do, assume he’s cheated? I ask him and he swears no, but he also swore he wasn’t doing drugs again….Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you!

By: Aunt B

Aunt B — Tue, 18 May 2010 02:48:56 +0000

The question is… are there are lot of cheaters? Or are there people who have trouble communicating and people who don’t want to hear their partner’s needs?

By: Kelley

Kelley — Mon, 17 May 2010 02:04:54 +0000

To the people beating up on soldier of misfortune about his being in the military, another poster was right. The subject here is infidelity — CHEATING — not whether war is right or wrong, or any other political views.

These people never cease to amaze me. It can be a blog about how to rid a dog of fleas and people will interject something about politics or the military. If that’s your slant, then start writing letters to your congressmen/women, senators, etc. And there are plenty of blogs out there for you.

I stumbled on this blog and found it interesting. What saddens me most is that there are SO many cheaters out there. I just don’t understand this. The writers have provided so many insights and offered solutions. Others have simply made me cry.

I wish everyone here the very best, and hope that happiness eventually comes your way.

By: Unhappy Housefwife

Unhappy Housefwife — Thu, 13 May 2010 22:05:50 +0000

Thanks, Aunt B, I’ll remember that. And as for my children, my oldest, Rachel, who’s twelve, I know she’ll care for my two younger twin sons. I thank you and this website for all it’s help. Goodbye for now.

By: Jeff

Jeff — Thu, 13 May 2010 18:04:15 +0000

The moral fiber of what could POTENTIALLY lead to a long and happy marriage are no longer present in society. And NOT just the women. Marriage has become, due to the degradation of our society, a passe undertaking. Marriages usually fail and usually hurt only children. Yeah… I would “want” this woman I “loved” to participate in penis jousting or having strangers burying their faces in your breasts to lick candy off at the bach party.. or worse. Riiiiight. Here’s Wishing you all a Happy Divorce! I say to ALL MEN! Think 2 words! “Prenuptial Agreement!”

By: Aunt B

Aunt B — Thu, 13 May 2010 05:12:39 +0000

Dear Unhappy Housewife,

Only you know what is best for you and your family. I understand the hurt and the sense of betrayal you feel.

Please take a moment to read this:

http://blog.mamashealth.com/2009/12/16/et-tu-tigre-and-you-tiger-an-open-letter-to-elin-nordegren-woods/

Please take care of yourself and your beautiful children.