And What If They Are Cheating?
“Is this Aunt B?”
“Yes, “ I say, stirring a batch of cookies.
“Do you drive a red Mustang?”
“Yes,” I say again, the mixing has slowed. I’m standing at attention.
“Can you tell your husband to stop sleeping with my wife?”
I drop the utensils, mutter something into the phone I can’t remember, what I do remember is that a storm gathered and rain fell from my eyes while thunder and lightening lept from my mouth and throat.
Betrayal is hard to overcome. Trust is difficult to rebuild. Those things we know. Marriages and relationships can survive this, and when they do, they often come out stronger. This is where you go deep. You have to know what you want in order to get through and how you get through is sometimes one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Before I confronted my spouse I had to know what I was prepared to do. Was I prepared to leave? Was my financial house in order? After the confrontation did I have a place to go? A safe space in case things went south?
I’d like to say I was calm, I wasn’t.
There are certain ground rules when it comes to confronting a cheating spouse. I’ll talk about them in the next post.
Let’s just start here.
Have your proof.
Think through the possibilities, have a plan.
Know what you want, ask yourself if you are ready to walk away.
If you think your partner is cheating curtail sex. You don’t know if they are playing safe and you don’t want an STD.
Is the internet bad for relationships?
- Aunt B
Lose that zero and get your self a HERO!!! He’s probably infected with Herpes Simplex Virus-1 or the AIDS!!! You never know…next time you make love you should check that boy out!!!
BEST of Luck Aunt B.
~Sandy V. Gina
my grandmother taught me not to belive anything i hear and only half of what you see. marriage is bast on trust, so if you face your spouse and they are not guilty you can damage that most important trust.maybe the other person is very upset and your spouse just happened to be the one they can trust to unload on.sex may be the last thing on thier mind. this very thing happend to me. so make sure the one calling knows what they are talking about, befor you do anything. you can put off sex for a few days by saying honey i’m just not up to it right now and that won’t be a lie.hope this helps aunt bea from miss bea.
Why is it when I read about a cheating spouse its always directed at a man. A woman can cheat too. I have friends whose wives have been unfaithful, but thats not the same as a man cheating. Bull****. A woman that cheats is as big “zero” as any man.
E. Bradshaw, it’s the same when anyone cheats. Just like B. Phelps said, it breaks the trust. That’s hard to recover from, whether it’s a man or woman that does it. It just plain hurts.
i am currently deployed in iraq and theings were going smooth during the first 4 months of my deployment when things started changing. she doesnt reply as much to my emails anymore and shen she does, she claims that she’s hanging out with our neighbors wives till wee hour of the night. we have 2 wonderful kids and i love them to death. about a few weeks ago she asked to have a divorce. she said that she is no longer happy and that she is gonna go home to her parents home and i can just pick up all my clothes when i get back. is this how you treat a person that sacrificed his time and effort to make sure that you are safe whan you go to bed at night? she wants to take my children and is not very clear on the visitation and my time for them. it has devastated me deeply and now that i only have few more weeks left before i return home she wants to get back with me and tells me that she loves me. i am so ready to move on but i think about our kids and how i cant live without them.
this goes to E Bradshaw,why cheating spouses are always directed at men is because they cheat the most and have little or no control over it but 95% women hardly ever think of hurting her spouse.i am in a relationship and am a woman i know that no matter what i would never think of hurting him but it isnt up to a month we visited our parents and lost visaul touch he is already cheating.my prove:i called him on my mobile and he couldnt talk in english rather he tried speaking a dialet only both of us understands so the other person wont know he is talkin to me and his voice sounded indifferent like he was talkin to a stranger i dont know if i should trust him anymore
Of course women cheat too. Who do you think the men are cheating with?
It takes alot of trust and when one cheats it can’t always be worked out in a relationship sense but; that doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends. I was having marital problems and ended up cheating on my husband.We tried to make it work and just couldn’t but to this day we are best friends.It has been almost 2 years.He has forgiven me and we love each other we just can’t be together.If anyone has children I hope for there sake that you can be friends.
RE: soldier of misfortune
First of all I know its off topic but I don’t agree with going to war just so we can subsidize oil prices and piss off more people in Iraq by getting all these so called terrorist which include small children(like I said its my own personal opinion disregard it in relation to this topic). Anyhow it seems to me when people are gone for long periods of time its one of two things when the relationship isn’t the same once that person had time to think maybe it wasn’t really all you thought it was cracked out to be to begin with when they realize they don’t want to do it anymore. Two in your situation which it could be multiple things like your wife got insecure at the thought of losing you or being alone during that period of time so she sought comfort else where and now your finally coming back for certain she feels better and more secure about the relationship and wants to continue.Honestly though only you know how things were between the two of you befor you left and if you really feel like the relationships done and she was cheating on you after you talk to her and you choose to stay with her knowing she did just for the children I recommend unless you can forgive her and move on don’t do it because you won’t be happy and your children will see the fighting ad disfunctional relationship and conceive that as a normal way of life.
Well I wish you the best of luck on resolving this issue take care!
I found out after only 3 1/2 months of marriage my spouse was cheating on me with his ex-wife and had been during most of our engagement. I moved out and left him. After being seperated for nearly a year he wanted to get back together. I really wish I hadn’t, because I found out whenever he went out of town on business he had a stand by secretary that would meet him after work and he started an affair w/a local woman who was married after only being back together 5 months. I don’t know what is his problem is but he will cheat w/any woman that wants him. The last one he cheated on me with is very overweight, works as a cashier at a convenience store and poor as a church mouse. Not to mention she has several tattoos, which he says he can’t stand on a woman. He usually cheated on me with overweight women. He even lost a good paying job flirting too much with a long time employee. I honestly think he’s not only a pathological liar, and a cheat, he is addicted to pornography and sex. He apparently has no guilty conscious, anybody and anywhere. How can anyone be so pathetic? He wondered why I wouldn’t have sex with him, can we say GROSS. I don’t know if he lacks confidence or his childhood was really messed up or both, but I have never cheated on him, not even for spite. I have higher morals and principals. To me sex is more than just doing it physically with just anybody. That’s so meaningless.
From what I have seen some women do cheat, but a lot more men appear to do so.
Re: soldier of misfortune
Studies actually show that in the short and long terms, children are better of when their parents stay together even when it is an unhappy situation. Find out for sure if she is cheating. I always encourage people to work atleast attempt to work it out, but with cheating sometimes there is no healing with that. I would encourage you to atleast give it a shot. Be different then everyone else who just throws in the towl.
Dear C.K.,
I do believe there is more than one school of thought on that. I have friends whose parents have remained together and they were unhappy. He spent most of his formative years wishing his parents would get a divorce. He learned to be uncommunicative and to withhold, he learned how to lie and cover up.
I do agree with the last part of your response. Make the those decisions from a place of love and compassion, for yourself first and then for your partner. Make a decision that leaves you with the least regrets. Cheating in a relationship can be overcome. Trust can be rebuilt. And some people are worth the effort.
Soldier of misfortune- unfortunately, military marriages have a very high rate of divorce, as well as cheating. Due mostly to the long deployments that initiate feelings of lonliness and abandonment. A lot of military marriages were on a whim in the first place, which barely gives you a strong foundation.
I suggest you get to the root of her unhappiness and if it turns out that she is not cut out for military life, then so be it; she is entitled to her happiness just as much as you are. Trust me, no one will ever put down what you do, and there is a lot of respect for it, no matter how people feel about the particulars of the war. But, when it comes to marriage, sometimes people don’t understand the full scope of things until they are in it, and they find themselves unhappy and want out. Life takes crazy turns, but another will soon come and if you guys don’t work it out, you will find someone that does understand it. As for your kids, just get an attorney (check with your legal aid dept through military, they have a lot of resources) and you will get plenty of time with them, if not have them live with you while you are here. best of luck!
Well Jen, first off..I have been deployed 3 consecutive time’s in Iraq and have done and experienced things regarding being separated and eventually lead to a divorce. Though you mentioned that you don’t believe in the war, just keep it yourself and do not put your 2 cents on why you don’t believe on this cause because the soldier that you just gave an advice to is a hero and these are the same people that will put their lives on the line for you and for anybody that threatens the same freedom you have, including the “2cents” reason you mentioned why we are at war. Maybe you should move to a different country were freedom of speech are being banned so you can fully appreciate what you have today.
While I appreciate a lively discussion more than most people, the topic at hand is about cheating. C-H-E-A-T-I-N-G.
Can a relationship recover from it?
Can you rebuild trust?
Should you leave?
Experiences welcome. Confessions welcome.
This is regards to men cheating..I was a Navy wife for 15 years..have three daughters by this very husband..now ex husband. Sometimes people find themselves in a situation where they are thinking with not the right part of their body. I divorced him because he couldn’t keep faithful to me. We tried the couples counseling and everything..that is what I would suggest about before making any rash decisions…anywho..to the person who stated that you should stay together for the kids..even if you arent happy..are you kidding me??? The kids catch on very easily that there is problems and that will effect them in the long run..All three of my girls remember the tension and the arguments..even though they werent in the room kids can sense the “bad” feelings. So all I can say that person who said that you stay together for the children doesnt have kids his or herself. Now my girls are teenagers and since they remember their father being such a bad guy, he admitted to the girls of his unfaithfulness, my girls are leary of the opposite sex because I stayed with their father too long. Hindsight is 20/20..I feel for the soldier guy..but be honest here..both sexes cheat. Just dont drag it out when the relationship is over. I have no regrets kicking him to the curb@!
I have forgiven my husband for his cheating and we have done the counseling. I have changed my ways in order to get my self-esteem back unfortunately I can not say the same for him. He still has the immaturity of not taking responsiblity for his words and actions. I know that I am on my way out of my marriage. The children do suffer and it will take more work to try and give the necessary tools for life to them if the focus of your family is an unbalanced uncommunicative marriage. My husband works out of town and comes in on the weekends but he is fine for only about two days after that honeymoon phase disappears. I see his working out of town as a blessing now because it has allowed my children and myself to heal to a certain point. I am happy and well balanced. Most importantly I know that I can not change others only myself and I am worth it. Along this journey I have taught them to be responsible for their actions and they are not responsible for the actions of others. I know they will be fine with my decision because I have also taught them to stand up for themselves and also to forgive their father because it is not forgetting but it is letting go of the hurt.
Hey Trying,
Letting go of the hurt is the hard part, but let me let you in on something, you’re really close. You’re not blaming, you know your worth and you’re modeling some really good things for your kids. Brava to you brave soul!
I’ve been on the planet a minute, I know this; it is in the crisis, in the hard parts, the hurts, that’s where we grow the most. We hurt, we grow and we find joy again. Really.
Hello everyone,
I stumbled upon this discussion accidentally but found myself intrigued. My spouse cheated with an ex-girlfriend that he insisted he just wanted to remain friends with a few years ago. Though the cheating wasn’t physical but over the phone/internet when he confessed I was devasted. It was very hurtful and very painful, but I also knew that I loved him very much and we both wanted to work through this situation. we spent hours, days and weeks discussing what had happened, discussing our relationship, discussing how we felt. one of the the things i found really helpful for my healing process was that he was willing to answer all my questions honestly and of course that he cut off all contact with this “friend” while I was in the room listening. He was willing to be honest and up front about everything and if I made a request of him ie. to call me at a certain time and tell me how he was doing during his day etc. he would in order to help rebuild the trust. we discovered a lot about ourselves and the mistakes we made, we were going through a difficult time when it happened and it made me realize that I had to take responsibility for my part in the relationship too. I hadn’t listened or taken seriously when he told me he wanted to address the situation he was frustrated with. and though he recognized that this did not excuse his behaviour, it made me realize that cheating happens for different reasons. the cheating is most often a symptom of a deeper issue. sometimes the cheater is a sex addict who needs professional help to deal with the problem of cheating and lying etc. often the cheater has low self esteem, they are afraid their spouse will leave or not love them etc. etc. and put tremendous amount of pressure on themselves. sometimes they feel unattractive or vulnerable and think that if a spouse gives them reassurance it’s kind of like our mothers telling us we look beautiful in an ugly dress, they have to say it because they are family (or so they believe) and therefore look to be affirmed or valued by someone outside the relationship. it doesn’t have to be sexual to be cheating, often times it starts out very innocently and on an emotional level and then becomes sexual if the feelings or issues aren’t addressed and intesify. sometimes if the partner is away for extended periods of time the cheating spouse may feel abandoned, lonely and vulnerable and look for affirmation and consolation with someone else. it’s important to understand that the cheating is only symptomatic of deeper issues in the relationship, and if both partners are willing to work on those issues honestly and sincerely to repair the relationship and the trust healing can happen, the damage can be repaired and more because if you deal with the rot that’s hiding under rug instead of repeatedly sweeping it under you clean house and stregthen your bond by rebuilding on healthy (or at least healthier) communication and attitudes. it takes a lot of work and years later we sometimes ask ourselves if we make each other truly happy…but when we become frustrated it’s a sign that its time to stop and talk and figure out what is bothering us so that it can be dealt with before it cause any serious harm. I am glad to say that three years later we are more in love than ever. when i think back on that time it still twinges of pain for both of us, but that is just a reminder to keep on top of things as they come so that we don’t let it happen again. if you truly love the person your with don’t let fear and anger stand in the way of rebuilding your relationship. it is possible to overcome. but I also agree with the previous comments, if you are truly unhappy it is best to go your own way and find your peace elsewhere life is too short to spend with someone who for whatever their reasons can’t truly love and respect you. good luck to all…
Gina,
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I think my post: (http://blog.mamashealth.com/2009/12/16/et-tu-tigre-and-you-tiger-an-open-letter-to-elin-nordegren-woods/)
offers good advice too!
Thanks for chiming in.
B–
Gina
I am going through the same situation at this moment. I am engaged and my fiancee’ met her old boy friend through what else Face Book. Although the relationship was over 15 years ago they reconnected this past September. I knew something was going on but she insisted that they were just friends. I had to catch her by recording her while on the phone while I work the night of October 30th. She only admitted this after she was caught but can’t remember certain things that was said over the phone only her climax. While I was admitted over night to a hospital (10/10/2009)for anxiety, after endless questioning she admitted that he was at our house that night but nothing happen. Even though I counted the condoms and one was missing. What a mind game. I can’t remember if my counting was off. Yes we bought a house together, got engaged a year ago. And believe it or not her friend’s wife ended up in the hospital for a week two days later and was put in an induced coma for asthma treatment. My Fiancee’ would call him every morning to wake him up. He also is unemployed with 4 children and married for 16 yrs. I even lent him a portable heater and went over to meet him and his children. She still insist that it was not physical only what I have heard on the recording is what happen. Yes it was phone sex and you can imagine what I heard at the end. We are 11 years diference in age and she is an LPN and was stuck by an infected needle on September 30th. Was on meds for HIV for 30 days yet she is still testing negative thank god. I also have a lot of guilt for I am an Alcoholic and am over 6 months sober after a 4 year binge. She also was my next door neighbor and was aware of this. We also have been living together for four years and we both drank pretty heavy for awhile until she went to school for nursing. I just didn’t stop. I never was phsically abusive but I can whoop you down with words like any drunken fool. I have been divorce since 1994 and have two grown children. And you guess it yes for mainly the same reasons. We are going through everything you have mentioned and I love her more than words can tell. I know she feels the same. She won’t leave me and I can’t leave her. We are both in counciling together and on our own. I joke about going to family counciling without even being married. I also joke about that if I was in an open relationship I just can’t remember all the woman I had. LOL!!! No we are not in an open relationship, at least I wasn’t. Yes the trust is broken. It makes me think if this was the first time. She always said that ” Oh he’s just a friend” I believe there is a rap song with that line. We haven’t set a date yet for the wedding and I think I’ll wait on that for awhile. Again Gina thanks again! Believe me I wouldn’t of type this if it weren’t for what you have wrote. So she isn’t communicating with him no more that I know of or any of those so call friends. We spend alot of time together. Things are better as long as I just don’t think. And oh yes. I did have a little talk with his wife a little while after she was out of the hospital and feeling better.
!
P.S.
You gotta love Face Book!
Jen – Why would you put your personal political views on a message to a guy who is in obvious pain? Although I do not think that all soldiers are heroes – I was one, and married one – I do believe that what he is doing is honorable and you totally disrespected that and him.
I have enjoyed reading this blog. I caught my husband cheating on me this past September. He hit me with another bombshell the day I confronted him. This was the second time he had cheated. We were married in Jan 09. Its been four months of me trying to get over the hurt and pain. We are still together and although I have forgiven him, I do not trust him. I check his e-mail,search his phone and installed a program on his cell phone that allows me to read text messages at a later date(thats how I caught him before). I’m not proud of my actions but feel it necessary as he is in the Military and constantly travels. He is currently out of town and my fear and gut are telling me that he is going to cheat. Will my feelings of distrust go away or will I be like this for the rest of my life (at least while I am with him)? I love this man and am trying to trust him but it’s hard.
I just happened to land on this site and is very intrigued by the whole cheating thing. I am presently engaged to a military personnel and honestly i dont trust him at all. i really want to but it is extremely difficult. we have been together for 10 years, during that time he cheated with one of his collegues while in afghanistan, she became pregnent and bore him a son. we broke up for two years, and he stuck by her and she bore him another son. so now, he has two kids by her. During those two years apart, she began abusing him physically so he decided to leave. when he left ,she threatened to kill the kids and would not allow him to see his kids. The police was called and the rest is history. He cam back to me begginbg for forgiveness and eventually proposed. I still do love him,have forgiven him but i cant bring myself to trust him. TO JWB, what is the name of that program you installed on his phone to be able to read his text message. I think thats a brilliant idea to protect myself, because if i ever finds out that he cheats, i will surely kick him to the curb. He normally tours afghanistan and iraq and that’s where the trust issue gets comnplicated. Sometimes , men and women cheats expecting to get something better out there but there is nothing better out there if you cant love and appreciate the one that is right there with you.
I have not been in such a position, so it is easy for me to say. My focus is on my relationship with my husband. If its going well and we are happy together and I can get his attention when I need it, even if he has an affair, its not really my business. I’m his partner, not owner.
On the other hand, if our relationship is going bad and I can’t get his attention when I need it, even if he is not having an affair, he’s not being faithful to our relationship. I don’t need avoiding only certain kinds of hurtful actions. I need for us to be happy.
I love the line, “I’m his partner, not owner.”
By the way, I do know that women cheat. I’ve seen it done sloppily by both parties.
What we are talking about here is trust. What do you need in a relationship? Is it a relationship when there is no trust? Can it be rebuilt? I believe it can and it takes commitment and the willingness of the cheating partner to be open, completely open, while the cheated on partner, works through anger, betrayal, shame, and those things that might’ve been brought up by the cheating partner. Not easy, but it has been done.
Question what you tolerate.
B
Truly strange I should stumble upon this blog at this time in my life. I’ve been married for 7years to date, have to adorable kids(girl&boy) and love them to death.
Problem is, even though I spoke to my wife many times regarding what makes me unhappy in our marraige she just don’t seem to take any heed. To date, she NEVER would approach me for intimacy and if it don’t come from my side it simply just don’t happen, making me feel very unwanted. Also when it does happen I feel I’m in it alone & seems to me like it’s an obligations to her. It left me frustrated and alone with nobidy to talk to as this subject is very personal. Until recently myself and another female started talking because somehow we could relate to 1 another’s situations. It was all good to be able to speak to somebody about everything until recently where our conversation stretched beyond the norm and we realised we developing feelings for each other. At one time we kissed passionately but nothing beyond that. Believe me this was neither of our intentions, but must be honest being together makes us both smile even though we know it is wrong. Point I’m trying to make is, not all CHEATERS are guilty of cheating! And I’m not using this as an excuse, but sometimes partners, being it male or female are pushed towards commiting adultery by their unattentive spouses.
I know this discussion is about cheating and my experience may be a bit off-topic, but what do you think about the person who has cheated and is feeling guilty.
Though I have not exactly cheated on anyone, I have been feeling terribly guilty for last 6 months. I am soon going to get married which is an arranged one – meaning – my parents and the girl’s parent have arranged it for us. The problem is – 2 years ago I visited a call girl (I could have used the term prostitute as well), however, I have not told this to my prospective wife. I did tell her about a previous girlfriend I had.
I am not a sex addict or anything like that. I did it when I was with friends and treated it like an adventure (misplaced morals I know !). Do you people think that it is wrong to withhold this from my wife?? (By the way, the act with the prostitute was protected and I have got myself tested for all STDs many times – am negative for all of them)
Believe me I have been through everything that all have mentioned in their post,and you should never blame your partner if your feeling neglected and make that your excuse for cheating.My Mother always said once a cheater always a cheater! I was married for 15 years and I would have to say that through out the years,I caught him cheating numerous times and we went through the whole thing he was sorry and would not do it again,but believe me it doesn’t stop,in 15 years I caught him cheating 9 times and yes he was addictted to porn.I also found out he is bi-polar and also as a child he went with his father and sat on a porch as a child while his father was doing the nasty and cheating on his mother…So and ended up with a half brother and sister,who he has never met.I really do believe for some men and women it’s the fascination of something new and looking for the ultimate sex partner,but they find out what they had at home was the best,and always wants to come back.Take my word of advice “seriously” after all those years wasted and being seperated for five years he is still asking me to take him back.He also was in the millitary for a while but cheated worst when out of the millitary.If someone cheats on you,it’s not your fault no matter what,went through counseling ….helped me understand he had a serious problem and it helped him denied that he had a problem.We are talking about a man who cheated while I was In Intensive Care (ICU) and almost died. I had a Pulmonary embollism (blood clots in lungs) and that didn’t stop him,so please do not stay in a relationship because you love him,or for the kids because it makes it worst! When I was in ICU at the hospital I told myself that God was giving me a wake up call and put an end to it and I did! It was the BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE! My daughter and I live a quite peaceful life and she doesn’t stay sick like she did when him and I were together,so…..it takes a toll on your kids too! A year and ahalf later,just the thought of getting back with him makes me physically ill,so just imagine what kind of toll it takes on your health by being in a messed up relationship. So take my advice and Run like hell when a partner tells you they are cheating or if you catch them,Run………….and don’t look back! Believe me…..I can tell you some stories of how I embarrassed him in front of coworkers and in front of his women he cheated with and even he pulled time for the some of the incidents between us, but looking back now……..I wasted a lot of time and energy that I shouldn’t have.For example he worked night shift and would get off at 8:00am so I took and bought a huge dildo and super glued it to his car hood and attached a note ” Maybe your new girlfriend might want to ride something she can feel” Well all the employees walk out at the same time and he had to eventually take a bat and knock it off the hood.I must have glued it pretty good! What I’m trying to say……is he is still today asking me to give him another chance, five years later and believe me……I would never go back there!
Gina-
I felt like I was reading my own story! My husband did the same thing–with our next door neighbor. What saved my sanity and our marriage was counseling and his willingness to make it work. Our counselor was very clear that he (my husband) was in for a tough ride, because having destroyed my trust in him, he was going to have to put up with the suspicion and questioning for a long time. The “average” he said that it takes for a couple to rebuild trust is 2 years. That’s an average and if there have been multiple betrayals…. It’s been two and a half years and I still have flashes of “hmmmm…”, but our relationship is about 500x better than it EVER was.
ya so my husband never tecnically cheated on me. however i once found the web site ashley maddison on our computer, and I threw a fit. I ran into the living room the the craziest wife you have ever seen. the look on his face and u would have swore he craped his pants. that gave it away. he denied ever going on the web site. i went back into the office and continued to search my history till i finally came to his web page. his email and everything was there. his birthday was still the same date however he changed the year. Then i really tirpped. i confronted him again and he still denied it. he denied it for days untill i told him. say it. say that you really did it or i am leaving you. stop lieing to me and yourself and say it out loud that you did it. and he did. It broke my heart but him lieing to me made it a million times worse. good news. ashley maddison charges you so you cant really do anything unless you pay. so girls with cheap O husbands we luck out for once. but my eyes r definatley open now. Before I never suspected a thing. now………. i suspect everything.
As someone who’s suspected that they’ve been cheated on (and broke off that relationship)- I’m rather curious as to why anyone would get engaged or married to someone they didn’t trust. Having a legal record of your relationship on paper won’t make trust issues better. To those of you who love your partners, I would suggest sitting down with them and having a conversation (hopefully calm), if you have no reason to stay with them- find a way out! There IS someone out there who will love you for who you are and not leave you. Furthermore- think about it- you don’t NEED someone else to make you happy- though sometimes it can help. Find the things that you love to do and do them. Be yourself- and people will find the beauty in you.
ok, so i have been cheated on by a soldier. 3 months before we were to be married and a week before my birthday… lucky for me!! i was devestated at first but then i thought to myself that if it wasnt meant to be then it wouldnt be. this happened to me for a reason. I am still friends with this man, but dont conversate with him that often. Sooner or later you move on and find better or someone who is meant for you and you just kinda forgive the past and look to the future… what im saying is that life is too short to worry about cheating partners, live your life and and that special someone will find you either way. i still love this man and he will always have a peice of my heart but my daughter has my whole heart and she is the main reason i am where i am today… so to eveybody that has been cheated on by the person they love or think they love, just dont worry so much about it, if its meant to be it will be!!!
I got sic k, ended up in intensive care, spent 18 days and lost part of my colon. 2 days after being admitted my hubby gets his own checking account, own p.o. box, even though mail is deliver to our house, gets a truck to leave where he works for running back and forthe home (supposedly) quits wearing his ring. Then 5 months after my surgery he tells me HE had ME followed, planted audio and video and got me with some guy, etc. One we haven’t got the money for the P.I. he claimed to have hired, two I was laid up about 3 1/2 of those months, he cut off all funds for my care and my folks were pretty much supporting me, and he claims I was cheating, swears he wasn’t etc. Just what the heck is all this, Was he cheating? wanting to cheat? I know his cell usage went up almost double for several months.
To ASH ON…….
what bull! Blaming your spouse for YOUR cheating. Only you make that choice!!!!
When u marryed it was for better or worse right?!
So u didn’t get attention boo-hoo!!!!!
Grow up guys!!!!!
Okay.. Here’s the deal – i have been with my 2nd husband, (widowed from the first), for eleven years. this man has continually cheated on me with ex-girlfriend, co-workers, friends of friends, my best friend.. well, ex-best friend & not only does he continually lie about each and every incident BUT he also, with much effort, breaks me down emotionally – verbally abuses me – openly ‘notices’ other women (making sure eye contact is made) – and discredits me as a good person, a good mother, and a mentally stable woman.
seems like a no brainer, right? not exactly..
i have two amazing children with this man. one of which is definitely struggling as a result of the distrust, dishonesty, tension, and scary, immature displays of anger (by my husband) such as breaking things and punching walls. yeah, i know.
but now for the real dilemma… i do not have a degree in anything, i am jack of all trades, master of none. i am currently blessed enough to stay at home and raise my babies because i don’t want someone else doing what God intended for me.
i suffered an accident a few years back, & have constant pain and difficulty working. i am not written into any distant, millionaire relative’s will AND because of my inability to work, the stress of an abusive, dishonest, cheating spouse..among other everyday stress/anxiety/depressive inducing feelings – i have been medicated by my physician. i am only 35.
when i finally broke down and threatened divorce, my threat was met with one of his own… proving me to be unfit ..(antidepressants, financial instability.. oh, and did i mention he is intentionally trying to make me believe i am going insane?).. yeah, that too.
i can’t be without my babies. they are my life. i am so very afraid of the risk.. what would you do???
@ soldier of misfortune.
I read about your situation and must ask you to get re-united with your wife and kids asap.
We men in South Africa were under a conscription for two years at a time and know about what longing and heartacke can do to a family
Protect your family unity at all cost. Its the most important thing you can do. Shalom
during the burial of my mum i saw a text message which read;despite the fact that you re busy and yr mind is filled with other things,you still take the time to call this gurl whom you love so much but who loves
you much more!av a good nite rest baby(luv)mimi luv.he has denied it of course and called me insecure and that the girl is in an office where he goes to for business and that shes trying to harass him.hes outgoing calls show me that within a space of two weeks,thirty calls has been made to her number.am i still being unnecessarily suspicious?
Hello to all, Fist I would like to comment on the soldiers story. Thank you for all you have done for us, your service is very much appreciated!! I really hope things work out for you since you’ve been through a lot already, without having to deal with family issues on top of it all. My brother was deployed to Iraq/Afgan three times and the third time while away, he found out that his wife had been seeing another man. While he was deployed his wife moved back home with her family and my two nieces and that’s when she met another man, at her job. Needless to say, they divorced and my brother says that he and his ex get along better now than when they were together, for the children’s sake also. When he calls me to vent I always tell him to think of the children because they are the ones caught in the middle! The innocent ones who don’t deserve to see mommy and daddy fight, and yell at each other. Dr. Phill always says that children are better off in a single parent home with no fighting and yelling than with two fighting parents. I also speak from experience. My first relationship of ten years was wonderful until our daughter came along and then things changed for the worse, lots of fighting and yelling so when my daughter was just 6 months old I left him because I knew that our daughter was better off living with me with no yelling or fighting than if I were to stay in an abusive relationship.
Now I would like to respond to Jada, I feel for you honey but you can stand up this man and take care of your children without that man in your life. There is help out there! As I said earlier, I am also a single mother, to this day, and my daughter is now 11 and she’s happy and loves time with me since she’s always been my number one person in my life, she has all my attention. Well that is until a few years ago when I started dating a man that I’ve known for 15 years and ended up getting pregnant with a beautiful baby girl who’s now 18 months old. Well, the day after I found out that I was pregnant and so happy, even though it’s out of wedlock but I feel was meant to be since I’d always wanted one more. Back to the day after I found out I was pg I found out that the man whom I’d know for so many years had been living a double life. I found this out from the woman that he’d never broken up with. I was absolutely crushed because I really thought that he was the one! The past two years have been a living HELL for me because I keep catching him in his lies. I’ve talked to the other woman several times over the past two years to see if they’re still seeing each other and everytime I call…he’s still seeing her! I’ve also checked his phone many times, which he now keeps hidden from me, and he calls her several time a day. I know it’s studpid of me to stay with this guy but a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s my baby’s father, even though he’s a piece of dirt for what he’s done to me. I even found out that while I was in the hospital, after giving birth to my second child, that he spent the night with the other woman. When I found out I confronted him and he said that he needed to be in someone’s arms!!!Can you believe it, what a dirt bag, although I’d like to say a lot worse. Anyhow, this weekend I plan to tell him that it’s over, we’re done…however I’ve told him this before but he wouldn’t leave and I had his things packed for him! But this time will be different because I no longer have feelings for him, I can’t stand being with him anymore. Yes, he lives with me in my house with my 11 year old and baby. I will be strong and do this because looking back I’ve wasted two years of my live with this jerk who continues to cheat on me! I regret the last two years with him and wish everyday that I could turn back the clock because he’d never have had a chance with me if I’d known then what I know now. I believe now that it’s true what they say “Once a cheater, always a cheater”! This guy is never going to change and I will never forgive him for what he’s done to me…all the lies, betrayal, infidelity. I will never trust him ever again even though I’ve tried and given him too many chances, he’s taken time and happiness away from me that I’ll never get back. So when you think about taking back a cheater always remember that the time spent with them, you’ll never get it back, especially if they continue to cheat! And, this man still claims that he loves me, even though he never tells me. We, those of us who’ve been cheated on need to get a backbone and stand up to the cheater and move on because we’re so much better than they are and we deserve better too!!!
On Christmas Day is when it started. My husband of 7 yrs started an emotional affair w/ someone @ his job. Several calls and texts but always too busy to talk to me. I found out and confronted him and called her. She said that she had told him that he needs to make a choice between her and me(his wife) and said that she told him to work things out w/ me(how nice of her). We have two daughters that are medically ill almost all the time and a lot has happend but is that a reason to leave and want someone else? I can’t stop thinking about it and I’m tired of pulling things out of him, you’d think I was the one that went elsewhere! What to do?
I’m 39 and have been a stay home Mom and love it but is it worth it?
dear jada so you are on anti-depressants and cant work through illness. you tell him to just try take them kids off you. cos i dont think so. this man is a aggressive bully,you take you and your kids away from him now. you dont want them to see this behaviour nor do you want him to knock you don any more. gud luck and i hope you have the strength to stand up to him xxx
i realy believe the is no need for any one to be in a relationship for the sake of…i don’t think it will be worthied to say i have lover while being unhappy. the main thing required in life is happiness. There is nothing painful more than having the STI while knowing that u have only one sexual partner who was healthy when you first met. Any cheater deserves a divorce whether a lady or a gentleman, cause its just 50:50 they all cheat evenly. I advice everybody to be on a safe side than regreting at the end.
I am a man of twenty but i hardly love someone what do i do?
Dear Egba,
Love yourself. Love every thing that makes you, you.
Aunt B.
I am 64 and getting a divorce after 44 years.I moved out and got an apartment.I love living alone.I have raised 4 kids and a grandson.My husband has cheated on me several times,I stayed because I knew I could not raise the kids alone, no skills or education, also I loved him.This time its only me to think about.It has been about 12 years since he cheated on me. My daughter showed me his cell phone bill because I didnt think he was cheating,He had not been able to get an erection for the last 6 years. The last 6 years he has not kissed me or hugged me, was home every night.I thought the sex part of our marriage was over I accepted that because he is 15 years older than me.My daughter told me she opened a package that came for him April a year ago,it was viagra He was calling or being called 5,6 or 7 times a day.I could not trace the cell phone because it was a pre paid one..I told him he must love woman,He swore it was just sex and he loved me.My marriage was over,I knew if I went back I would loose myself.Well I got sick and over dosed on valium, I wanted to join my daughter who died 8 years before.I was found and spent 11 days in ICU I had double phenomia.While I was in the hospital he told me who the other woman was, he had an affair with her about 12 years ago,he also told me it was only sex and it was me he loved.When I think for the last year with the help of the little blue pill he was having sex and never even kissed me.I filed for a divorce,I colored my gray hair, lost 21 pounds,had an expert show me how to do my make up.Bought a new wardrobe and am so lonely ,I have no friends and dont know where to meet people.Money is no problem because I took 50 k when I left.He calles me every day and will do anything for me,I tell him we are good friends but will never live as a married couple again.In the 44 years of our marriage I never cheated on him.Can anyone tell me how to meet someone,I have a lot of love to share with someone special.I live in Houston,Tx. a very large city.Do you think its to late to find someone to love? Thanks for listening to me.
let me tell you, i have been married for 28 years, i have been married, my hub, who i admired and loved decided that he would have an affair with a co-worker… i found out, and have never been this devestated in my whole life.. I have lost loved ones, pets, but this is overwheming. I feel like i want to die. I am 63 and never in a million years would believe i would have to start my life over again. We are seperated and i am trying to exist in this world. why?????? i will never fugure this one out… I pray alot that God will give me the strength to overcome this battle inside myself..
Suz,
Was this a short time thing or has this been going on for years? Here’s my best advice. If this was a short time affair and you two have 28 years under your belt, forgive, forget and move on… together, with the man you admired and I would surmise, still love.
Aunt B.
hope u can follow my story. cos iam confused at the moment. my present partner of six years n i met while he was working at a family house. i was spending 2wks over at the time.my partner at this time was preparing to separate from me for a number of reaons(nt cheating). my partner is 10y younger he lies to cheat on and steal from me i was going to tell the story but it pisses me off when any situation i choose to tell rings alarm bells i was not niave jus thought it happens but he is pathological. my 2 ptevious relationships had no resemblance, and at the time i looked at it as a new experience(he instigated it, i was nt thinking about going out with a younger man). there was acohol involve not drunkness. jus on a little buzz while he worked, i must have missed the signals. alot of our relationship was distanced as well as living together for a year at a time. we lived in 2 different countries. he asked me to stay this time round 17mths now this is the first time we have lived together for so long on our own. its been toturous at times. we have no sex , no proper communication,out everyday, coming in late night, always broke (for me but live lavish with friends and strangers),wont do repair or help out, its always a battle to get money for bills. he lives with me in his country (i have few family left there now). we have broken up for the 3rd time in over 8mths.
in my absence alot of my things has gone missing, money,clothes appliances etc
i jus couldnt acknowledge what was going on. he is a pest. i cant think of it as its very early. i need to recognise a bad thing and no its not worthy of trying.jus say no
@ Vince: your reply to Jen was rude & illogical. You don’t shut up someone’s view just because they happened to be different, while at the same time promoting your views and talking about FREEDOM OF SPEECH! Like – hello?! Freedom of speech for you only? Plus she gave her opinion because the original poster gave his. But yes, the topic was different (yet in life everything is mixed-up and linked, nothing is off topic)
Anyway, great topic, and I like how intelligently Aunt B writes about it, the questions she asks. I cannot wait for her continuing the story and see her thoughts and decisions.
I myself was cheated on, and learned all details about it a week after he left me and our kids for a woman who he was cheating with for at least two years. Found it all in his e-mails etc. So I do wish looking back that I’d spent the energy I did on figuring it out before, and not after he left. Then I would not waste a few years of my life with a cheater who lived with me just for the convenience of it.
Also, the thing I’ve learned about cheating – when it is possible he/she will change, and when it is almost warranted to re-occur. If the cheater finds the excuses why he/she did it, move on with your life. As an earlier poster ‘Trying to be Happy’ said, “He still has the immaturity of not taking responsibility for his words and actions” – exactly the sample of a person who won’t change – because he didn’t do anything wrong, it was someone’s fault, or wrong situation, but not him, so why bother to change? Or as another poster said about herself, “I was having marital problems and ended up cheating on my husband” – the same story. It’s not her, it is marital difficulties that led to it . The same with my Ex. He didn’t know that I learned of 2 women he had affairs with, so when I confronted him, he guessed one of them, and was saying, “Bud f@#$ deal, I was drunk, and it happened only once” (even here he was lying too – more then once… It took me a while to move on, and now I am now careful about how men assess their past.
I am a thirty five year old housewife with three beautfiul children. I found out last month that my husband was cheating on me with his secretary at work. She was one of those big breasted blonde women that i cant compare with. i found a pretty sensual email from her on our email account. (he forgot to erase it on time) and confronted him, demanding how he could do that after eleven years of marriage. and u know what he did? he shrugged. thats all. i left him the next morning with my three children and moved back in with my mother. And now he wants to get back together. im a little lonely without him, and even though he cheated, sometimes im tempted. i need someones help!
Dear Unhappy Housewife,
In the article, “What if They Are Cheating Pt.2
http://blog.mamashealth.com/2009/06/25/and-what-if-they-are-cheating-pt-2/
I talk about confronting a spouse/partner who cheats. Your shock, your disbelief are all normal.
This is a time that you need to be the most reflective. Was this a long emotional affair or a couple of quickies at the motel (please don’t take me literally here)? Are you really ready to listen to why he did this? Are you ready to hear what your faults are in the marriage? Are you really ready to leave? Do you have a plan? Are you financially able?
Can I just say that having an affair is not the answer. Period.
You have three children. They are watching you. Think about how you would want them to respond if this ever happened in the future.
Marriages can survive this and come back stronger.
Whatever you decide, let it come from a place of quiet reflection, think through the possibilities. There’s no prize for doing this quickly. Take your time while you take stock of the marriage. Save the angry venting for this blog or another trusted friend.
This is a tough one. Pull on the big girl panties, go full tilt with reflection and move forward. The worst part is over.
I feel persons cheat because of the want to things they cannot get from there present partners. be it love, enough sex, money, attention and many more other reasons. But both men and women cheat – research has found that men cheat more than women do.
On other hand men are just too lust and big eyes because sometimes their wives/ woman have a good respectable job, good looking, full and a complete woman and still the men go for the little gurls or even something WORSE than the present wife/woman. Many people have more wants than needs and they have to sit and put their priorities right.
i man should never consider leaving his WIFE with children for another woman, the woman of her self should consider taking that man from him wife and children.
BUT ALL MUST REMEMBER WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND
Sue,
I don’t advocate cheating out of revenge. I do advocate talking, self reflection and listening.
All i know is that i called the computer guy and told him to look up these emails. TWO YEARS. and i think they were more than just a couple of quickies at motels. this was a full fledged sex affair. they even TALKED about sex, what they were going to do the next time, how much harder it was going to get, and how much she couldnt wait to suck on his (!!!!!) it disgusts me and thanks for your advice, but i dont think this is the case this time. thanks for the support, but i dont need him anymore.
Not that i dont love my children, and i dont doubt that he loves them to. but i think me taking them away from this all together is best.
Dear Unhappy Housewife,
Only you know what is best for you and your family. I understand the hurt and the sense of betrayal you feel.
Please take a moment to read this:
http://blog.mamashealth.com/2009/12/16/et-tu-tigre-and-you-tiger-an-open-letter-to-elin-nordegren-woods/
Please take care of yourself and your beautiful children.
The moral fiber of what could POTENTIALLY lead to a long and happy marriage are no longer present in society. And NOT just the women. Marriage has become, due to the degradation of our society, a passe undertaking. Marriages usually fail and usually hurt only children. Yeah… I would “want” this woman I “loved” to participate in penis jousting or having strangers burying their faces in your breasts to lick candy off at the bach party.. or worse. Riiiiight. Here’s Wishing you all a Happy Divorce! I say to ALL MEN! Think 2 words! “Prenuptial Agreement!”
Thanks, Aunt B, I’ll remember that. And as for my children, my oldest, Rachel, who’s twelve, I know she’ll care for my two younger twin sons. I thank you and this website for all it’s help. Goodbye for now.
To the people beating up on soldier of misfortune about his being in the military, another poster was right. The subject here is infidelity — CHEATING — not whether war is right or wrong, or any other political views.
These people never cease to amaze me. It can be a blog about how to rid a dog of fleas and people will interject something about politics or the military. If that’s your slant, then start writing letters to your congressmen/women, senators, etc. And there are plenty of blogs out there for you.
I stumbled on this blog and found it interesting. What saddens me most is that there are SO many cheaters out there. I just don’t understand this. The writers have provided so many insights and offered solutions. Others have simply made me cry.
I wish everyone here the very best, and hope that happiness eventually comes your way.
The question is… are there are lot of cheaters? Or are there people who have trouble communicating and people who don’t want to hear their partner’s needs?
Hello All,
I might sound a little naive because I sure feel like it. This may be a long story but I will try to keep it short:
I met my b/f a year and some months ago, ended up becoming pregnant a few months later because of precautions we obviously did not take. I found out when I was 3 months pregnant that he had been with his manager RIGHT before me (after much pulling and prying the truth out of him). She’s not the most attractive or nice and he said he was down and out @ the time and ashamed to tell me.
I get that.
Problem is: He is now in rehab for using (and has lied about it our entire relationship and my pregnancy) and I know the addiction has made him lie about money, and drug use but I am wondering if he has been unfaithful to me too…because he lied about the manager, the money, the drugs and I want to learn how to trust him again but I don’t know. Also, got an STD check right when I found out I was pregnant through the state. Clean. After I had my baby girl went back for a follow up, they said I had an abnormal pap. Then found out I have low risk HPV and that I could’ve gotten it @ any time. Now I have like a red bump under the skin..down there…and I looked up & it said Hpv warts can show up 3-8 months after contact. I have a doctors appointment but can’t sleep worrying over this silly b.s What do I do, assume he’s cheated? I ask him and he swears no, but he also swore he wasn’t doing drugs again….Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you!
these posts mame me feel like im Not alone. my father cheated ON my mother when i was a kid and it was horrible. my motherjust fell to pieces jnside but tried to keep a strong front. i hatedthe fighting but iguess thatwas berree than the unknown. carolyn jackson’s postreminds meof my mom. same age. keep your heart open and focus ON the good inpeople. i find volunteering at church or anywhere is a way to meet kind people who can help you feel connected.
i felt a lot of shame andhated my father for hurting my mom. thats no way to live.
I have been married for 22 years and I am not very happy at all. I will never cheat on my wife because it wouldn’t be fair to her to do that. Besides, I would just be getting into another bad relationship with a different woman.
Men want to live the rest of their lives with the woman they dated and fell in love with. You know, the one that wears tight clothes and sits and watches sports and will do just about anything for their man. Unfortunately, marraige gets in the way. The words ‘I do’ have this drastic effect on woman that turns them into machines. They forget how to look sexy, or care about their spouses interests, or pay attention to the man at all! Then, when the man leaves them, they lose 30 pounds, fix up their hair, get new sexy clothes and start having new interests to meet other men. Did they ever think that had they done that while married they might not have lost the man they had?
All men are are pigs! Some can control it better than others. It is the truth. Many will publicly deny it, and some may even hide it all very well, but deep down men are pigs. They crave conquest. Sex is often the end result. Sad, but true.
That said, it does not give anyone the right to hurt another by cheating on them. If the spouse is unhappy then get a divorce, move on, and let the other person move on. Just understand that finding a new man may not be any different if the effort used to attract him is discarded once you have him. You may want to put that same effort into keeping the one that you have. You have to remember why it was he married you in the first place. Don’t be afraid to ask him to do the things he used to do to make your relationship special.
I can’t really speak to everyone’s situation as I said that some knuckle-dragging men have less control over their primeval urges than others do. He may never change. If you have been paying attention to him you should know whether your changes would have any effect on him. If try to make yourself as attractive to him as when you were dating, and he doesn’t change, or isn’t willing to change, or continues on cheating, then there is no hope. Leave him.
I could go on, but I’m sure I have angered enough people already…
Being a 45yr old woman, married twice, cheated on both times……..I hate to admit this but have to agree with “itisntsoeasy.” My first marriage which lasted 11 yrs, I let myself go physically due to sheer exhaustion of raising 2 boys, working full time and still unable to make ends meet. However, my second marriage I was determined not to make the same mistakes. Still, it didn’t matter. Both were “good” men with supposedly high morals whom everyone loved because they were such “good ol’ boys.” Although I made sure I kept myself up, centered my life around him, loved him like I’d never loved anyone before and gave him my full trust, it didn’t matter in the end. Men are pigs. The only way to keep them happy is never to expect much from them emotionally, but be patient, forgiving, and understanding when they’re going though a crisis……….even if they’re one of the “good” ones, I don’t think men are equipped to be faithful…….not unless you can remain a sex goddess 24/7 and can always make him feel as if you’re a challange. IMHO, it’s too exhausting and impossible to achieve unless you’re extremely forgiving and have force yourself to have amnesia when your trust has been shattered.
. Try starting a new chapter and get excited about it! The only other choice is to lay down and die. Grow or die, there’s no inbetween. Your spouse cheated? Shame on them for throwing away something that could have been rare and special. Stay depressed and afraid for the rest of your life? Shame on you. Do what ever you have to do to get your self esteem back. Why? Because you don’t get what you want in life, you only get what you think you deserve!!!!!!!!!!!! Before you run off and make another mistake with another partner, get your self esteem back or you’ll be in for another round of misery, guaranteed!
I’m sure I sound bitter, but I’m actually not. Just resigned to the fact that there’s no such thing as perfect life long soulmate….at least not the kind I’d hung my hopes on since I was a little girl. Relationships take work. HARD work. CONSTANT work. No time off, no time to relax. Both have to be committed or the resentment will build. Sounds bleak, huh?
Well, now for the good part. I’m not against love, relationships, marriage and/or commitment but feel the way to a successful relationship is to accept change. I’ve had many friends over the years and have drifted apart. I never had the desire to slit my wrists over that fact. Doesn’t make them any less special. They were people who came into our lives at the perfect time, but it was time to move on. Same might hold true for spouses as well. As the famous country song goes, “No when to hold ‘um, no when to walk away.” Love changes. Don’t fear it. Change with it and if that’s not possible, have a back-up plan to ensure you’ll be financially secure so you can leave without as much fear. Your perceptions of how you look at your life is your key to happiness and the only real way to keep it.
For those of you whose lives are miserable because of a failed love….change your perceptions and look at it from a different viewpoint. Get help. Realize you couldn’t hold on to them because you have no control over them and never did, only yourself. Stop wallowing in self pity. It’s doing no good and only reinforces to the cheater in your life that they were right to leave you. No one admires the weak
For those of you who are cheating on their spouses now, please listen carefully because I know what I’m talking about here. YOU CAN’T BUILD HAPPINESS WHEN IT’S BASED ON THE MISERY OF OTHERS!! That kind of love is built on self centeredness and isn’t strong enough to last.
For those you who’ve been cheated on? Have patience because the love they think they found in someone else’s backyard won’t last because it was built on pain and the broken hearts of those they so carelessly tossed aside out of selfishness. All you have to do is sit back and wait. Might take a while, but everyone I’ve given this advice to has thanked me for it. Your best revenge is building your own happiness without them. Believe me, somehow/some way, they’ll see what you’ve made of yourself……ok, I’ll admit, it may be anti-climatic since by then you could care less what they think of you, but it’s a good motivator to start changing yourself for the better now!
It’s sad to see so much pain out there. I wish all of you the strength to find the happiness within yourself. Wish I could give you a step by step plan on how to do that, but a good way to start to do something different with your day, even if it’s taking a different route to work. Nothing can happen until you take that first step. I’m not going to lie, it aint easy………but I can guarantee you this….. Living with a cheater is WAY harder than starting over. You just have to get over the fear of the unknown. I’ve never once met someone who left an abuser and/or cheater and wished they’d stayed. In a nutshell, get your head out of your a**. There’s a great big world out there. If you’re lonely, get out and find people. There are lonely people everywhere you look who would love to meet you. Turn yourself into someone who you’d want to be with instead of trying to find someone to cater to your fears. I’m sure there’s someone out there where this advise may not pertain. However, if that’s the case, I’d sure love to meet you because you’d be one in a million. Good luck and take care.
The first thing that should be determined before any marriage (especially a 2nd one) happens is, “what are YOUR expectations”. Each side has a mental list of expectations of how they believe their partner should be during their life together. If the two sides were truly honest in creating their lists of expectations and the lists were to be compared prior to marriage, there would be a very small portion of the lists that would ever actually match. The problem with doing this would be that there is a good possibility there wouldn’t be very many people ever getting married. You would have a better chance of hitting the jackpot lottery than you would finding someone with a list that closely matches yours. Having a list of expectations to compare makes it easier to determine on which items you can compromise, and on which items you could never live with.
One of the biggest problems with marriages is that both sides automatically assume that the other person has the same expectations, or they hide their true expectations for fear that the marriage wouldn’t happen if they told the truth. They align themselves with the others expectations for fear of being alone, thinking that they will just ‘change’ the other after the marriage. Eventually the truth comes out and the marriage dessolves.
If men and woman were truthful about the lists, it would look something like this:
Man – My woman should be:
Attractive
Physically fit
Sexy
Adventurous (as in sexually)
Great Cook
Good Housekeeper
Fun to be with
Understanding
Obedient
Woman – My man should be:
Attractive
Hard working
Great Father
Open
Honest
Considerate
Attentive
Sympathetic
Comforting
Men and woman think so differently, that it amazes me the human race has not yet become extinct. Humans are animals. We like to think of ourselves as the most intelligent of all animals, but we really aren’t. It is true that we have the capability to be the most intelligent, but our most basic animal instincts always get in the way. War, crime, oppression, dishonesty, hate, mental abuse, physical abuse are not signs of a higher intelligence.
For all of those people out there with cheating spouses, it might be therapeutic to find out what is on your partners (truthful) expectation list, and for them to see yours. You both need to be bluntly honest about what you expect from the other in your relationship. Chances are, it won’t match. It won’t point out anything new that you didn’t already figure out bu now. However, it may help you greatly in your approach to the next relationship.
Then again, what do I know…Good luck with the lottery!
I was with a Marine. We had so much potential. Unfortunately, he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I was hospitalized…he was off with someone else. He was gone fulfilling military duties, he got busy with someone.
We did try to work things out. Love always deserves a chance, right? But what I discovered was a side of someone that was too ugly to love. Blame games. Yes, darn me for being hospitalized. How could I have messed up his schedule with my medical issues. Blame games lead into control issues. Surprisingly, on his part, not mine.
Things continued on a downward spiral. I ran away from him. He didn’t know where I was. He asked my brother to report me as kidnapped, in an effort to bring me home. I never came back.
It’s great to seriously think before you leave, but for your safety, and the safety of children or pets, please watch for warning signs. I should have hightailed it the moment he began to control my life. He never hit me, but he was morphing into something I didn’t recognize. Verbal abuse should not be tolerated. A husband or wife is not an overlord. I understand why some people have commented on wanting to install devices to track what their partner is doing. If you feel you need to monitor all your partner does or says, sorry, leave now. You’re just going to push them over the edge, and drive yourself bonkers. A good relationship can’t happen when you’re behaving that way. Yes, they screwed up. They don’t need to be reminded of it every single day. That breeds resentment. That is a destroyer of relationships.
To anyone who worries how much leaving will hurt. Oh it does. It can hurt financially, emotionally, and socially for a long time. But it hurts less every day. And when you find a person that respects you, and can talk with you openly and honestly, all the pain of yesterday seems to be from another lifetime. And don’t be afraid of military marriages. They can work out, but both parties need to be aware of what that lifestyle is going into the marriage. I once believed that all military marriages would end like the one I had with a Marine. Then I look behind me, at the wonderful Airman asleep in our bed, and I know there’s always hope for love…even when it’s an ocean away on a deployment.
Confused wife. I think my husband is cheating. I searched his cell once and I found the disturbing message. I continued finding the messages from the girl expressing her love 4 my husband. I tried to find out who is the owner of that no. My husband phones that no almost every day. Towards me he is still the best. If I hadn’t found those messages I wouldn’t suspect anything. I asked him and he denied swearing that he hasn’t become intimate with anyone. He is a good and respectable man at home n in the community. I’m now confused whether to believe him or not pls help me.
I think that there are a lot of cheaters, and people who have trouble communicating as well as people who don’t want to hear their partner’s needs. Many of them have all of these characteristics. Many people cheat for reasons they are unaware of. I believe most of it is deeply rooted; low self-esteem, malestation, abuse (not just physical), etc. Often times the victim can be a great wife or husband and try their best to please their spouse and the spouse still cheat.
I believe that before two people get married they are well aware of what they are getting themselves into be it good or bad. Everyone has a conscious and it will not lead you wrong. Some people choose to ignore the feeling they are having in their gut and then end up suffering the consequences.
Marriages will have its ups and downs and sometimes the partner will cheat, but not all of the time should we walk out. Some things happen to strengthen the couple and the marriage. If we learn to face “life” with a different attitude we can benefit from what it teaches us. “Always” follow your heart. Too many people get caught up on a “feeling” and most of the time our feelings will mess us up. Love is not about a feeling… It is about what’s “best” for us.
after ten years of marriage my wife started treating me like she hated me. I did everything a husband should be doing for his wife and family. after confronting her about it, she told me that is just the way she has become over the years and told me to get over it or leave. She wouldn’t even go to counseling with me. It seems she has forgotten what kind of man she married. I am by no means a push over. I love my kids and wife to death but I cannot be treated this way. eight months ago I left her as a last ditch effort to save my marriage and my kids family. For the first few weeks she didn’t take it seriously. one night after dropping off the kids she ask me “are you seeing anyone yet” of course I wasn’t so I said no. then she said “maybe you should”. this made me feel like my plan backfired and she was the one seeing someone else. since im not the woo-is-me type I did what any man would do in this situation and got on facebook to look up old girlfriends. I hooked up with someone that night, next day I hooked up with someone from my apartment building, few days after that I started dating a woman from my bank. My wife found out about these woman and started treating me with respect, go figure. three months ago she came to my apartment late one night while I had some over and started crying about how much she misses me. I sent my guest home so I could talk to my ex. My ex went on about not being a good wife and said if I will give her a second chance she will give me a life of happiness.
Early detection of cheating is very helpful for both partners. It may create a very severe emotional pain or solitude feelings but it is better to discover it earlier to give a chance to regain yourself and to lessen the burden of emotional devastation.